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POCD! Please help


Cjacks20
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Hi everyone,

I'm new to this site but thought it might be of some help. I was recently diagnosed with OCD a few days ago and its making my life a LIVING HELL. It was a sudden onset of OCD, which means I haven't had this my whole life, rather the last 2.5 months. I'm a straight female in my early 20's but after reading this magazine article awhile back I became convinced I was gay. The thought wouldn't go away and I started doing mental checks to make sure i wasn't attracted to other women. Than after 2 months, the thoughts about being gay suddenly stopped and transitioned to me thinking i was a pedophile. Those are the thoughts I have now and they are making HOCD look like a walk in the park.

I am now avoiding children and get really anxious around them. I try and look up pictures of kids to check if I'm attracted to them or not. I have NEVER looked at kids in a sexual way, fantasized about them, etc and have always liked men my own age, and my fantasizes are still about grown men. But I feel like I'm turning into a pedo overnight and its scaring the crap outta me! Can a person really just turn like that?? I also have the thought (which truly disturbs me) to look up kid porn to test myself. I haven't actually done that, don't want to do that, and am fully aware its illegal. But i feel like i have this urge to look now and i don't know if its out of curiosity or just another mental check. Either way, its an urge I'm fighting everyday and I'm disgusted with myself since this is all so sudden and I never had these types of thoughts before. I started seeing an OCD therapist but I'm struggling everyday and feel like I'm gonna end up in jail or something. I'm so overwhelmed and feel like this is never going to end. I really wanted a family but now i don't because I'm terrified I'm going to want to molest my own kids :( please, please help

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No, a person can't really "turn" like that, and at some level, you're even aware of that, because you can observe yourself well enough to see the transitions in your OCD. My suggestion is not to make any life-changing decisions while you're in this state of ... urgency. One thought is that the feeling of disgust is part of the fuel for the urgency, that's why you'd change your obsession to the worst thing you can think of.

Have you tried to contact your new therapist after hours, or is there any arrangement that would allow you to do so? On the other hand, paying attention to the obsession may only feed it. I suggest doing what your therapist recommends. Calming exercises and deliberate distraction might be things you could try as well.

Has anything happened to you in past few months, prior to the onset of the symptoms, that might be a source of stress or pressure for you?

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Thank you for your reply. I know I would never molest a child, so I'm trying to take comfort in that. I was prescribed Zoloft and have been taking that the last 3 days, and apparently it makes you very impulsive which might help explain this huge urge to look up that type of porn even though I know it makes me anxious/uncomfortable. And to answer your question prior to the onset of symptoms my life was going through some big changes. My parents are in the middle of a divorce yet we all still live together. I had graduated college yet am having a hard time finding a job and was down about that.

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For what it's worth, there are a number of mental illnesses that, in my layman's observation, seem to arise when a person feels a lack of control over their environment.

Impulsivity is something to watch out for. Feeling like that is a good time to "phone a friend"; other people are unlikely to think the impulse is that good an idea. And of course, you can handle it so they don't know anything about the impulse. Just use the conversation with them as a distraction, maybe even go out and do something with your friends instead of thinking about this stuff.

I'm sorry you're in the middle in a divorce (and it's very hard for the children not to be in the middle). I'm divorced myself; it's not easy. Are they at least respecting your boundaries, like not forcing you to take sides?

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Their respectful. Its just an awkward situation with us all living under one roof. I really hope the urge to look up that stuff goes away you know? I never, ever even thought about that kind of thing before and Im so scared I'm gonna crack and watch it, and end up in jail. Im going to stop taking Zoloft because it makes me feel very jittery/impulsive which is definitely not helping anything

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CJ, please check with your doctor. Tell them how it makes you feel, and let them decide. For one thing, they may be able to suggest an alternative; many people have to try more than one psychoactive drug before they find the one that works best for them.

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