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rubies
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i don't know what to think or do, i'm scared, sorry, this is just a cry out, because i can't think and but i'm living so i don't know what to do, my body is unfamiliar, i know that i'm responsible for it but i don't know how to live, what i should do, all i can think of is that i don't know what a person should do, i'm just so so so apart from everything, i see pictures of this body rotting and i know that it sure will come but i don't know what i should do until then, i don't want to die at all, it's just that i'm so apart from everything, i am shaking and until now i had this unbearable feeling of nothingness (?sorry, i don't know if there's a word for that sorry) so now i'm typing and it's so strange that words come to me because i have no idea of anything, typing kinda ties me to this body or i don't know, i start to feel this overwhelming thing, i don't know what this is, i'm shaking, i don't know i'm so apart yet i can't express it because all we have is these words that i still can use, oh i don't know how to express this but i'm in a kind of panic of my own existence, i repeat i'm not suicidal, i don't feel anything related to experiences or anything, all is wiped, i have memories and things and it's strange that i have but i'm in horror of my existence, in horror of that my body is apart from me and there is a part which i can't even name, sorry, i just couldn't bear this, i had to express somehow, if i stop typing i don't know what to do, i start shaking i don't know but i can't find more words i could only repeat myself, sorry sorry, i just had to express

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Hi rubies, sorry you are in so much discomfort. You are bearing with it so that is a start. It is good that you took the time to express yourself. I just wanted to write that I see you are suffering. Can you try to just breathe and be with yourself? Eventually you will feel calm again. I have had this feeling before, you are not alone. I hope that helps, please try to be gentle with yourself.

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Rubies, I'm sorry you are in such distress. :( It's good that you are expressing yourself. Maybe it would help to breathe and find something to help ground you? Perhaps something to hold and connect with might bring you back to you. We are always here and welcome you reaching out. Asking for support when you need it is one way to take care of yourself. Is someone there with you who can support and help you? I hope you are feeling better.

Edited by IrmaJean
grammar fix
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  • 1 month later...

I understand some of what you feel; the not knowing that drives one batty. Sometimes it helps me to remind myself that with OCD, you cannot think your way back to reality, it is exactly the opposite. By NOT thinking through the questions/feelings, your self will return. The more you can distance yourself from all of this, the more you will be restored.I hope you are feeling better!

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