My Wife cheated with Dissociative Disorder - I'm now depressed

[Sammy]

I need some Help with my Depression after my wife cheated on me a second time. The biggest part of what I am feeling is wrong is how I’m sleeping I haven’t really gotten much sleep or quality sleep when I do from when she told me 4 weeks ago. I guess it is because my mind is still running over what options I have. But to a little history of what my marriage has come to at this point.

My 10 year anniversary is coming this Friday so that added to an emotional point already.

We placed our first child for adoption in high school back in 2002 and worked our way to getting married the spring after school ended still caring for each other after being friends for the 6 years before that. We had our oldest son 10 months later and to me a happy couple. But as our son starting doing things on his own my wife had mild depression kick in and mixed with young couple doubts this guy flurted with her at work and she ended up following him home.

She came to me about this and I thought it was a mistake with everything else. But she had the balls to tell me she screwed up so I do believe people can learn from their mistakes so I gave her a second chance. That was nuts the first time.

3 months later she got pregnant with our second son and life was moving on I thought she was doing better. So we were happy until her postpartum depression kicked in with our fourth son just before our 8 year anniversary. She got into a crazy way of life and I was concerned of her cheating again but she assured me she wasn’t so watching her email and texts I thought I was sure she wasn’t. Until A few weeks ago when she was all sad and depressed again when she told me she had cheated on me again while she was crazy from her postpartum depression.

I was mad, disappointed, frustrated, pissed, happy, hated, and every other emotion for a few days. I mean I have never wanted to hit her and I almost did (what a bad thing for me and my respect for women). The Ice breaker is when I caught her crying about how she was afraid to loose me over her mistake that she can’t quite make out in her head. So we decided to send her for some mental help.

After the second appointment with the therapist she was telling me he was thinking she has dissociative disorder (the modern term for multiple personality disorder). This complicates things on the woman I love. Because “my wife” would have never cheated on me again. But her alter ego was more than willing. Or at least that is how I am being told I’m not so sure I believe it.

So with all that I now am depressed and I’m not sleeping well if at all to go with that general mood of bla….

Now any help on how to deal with my mood would be helpful.

[IrmaJean]

Hello, Sammy, and welcome.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you considered getting support and speaking with a professional yourself? This situation sounds very distressful for you.

Does your wife have any trauma from her past that you know of? Was she being treated for her postpartum depression? Maybe it would also help to gain as much information as you can about what she is struggling with.

In the meantime, I think it's very important for you to look after your own needs. I have had some trouble with insomnia recently and I know this can have a very negative effect on one's ability to function. It helps me to have a relaxing routine before bedtime. Are you able to have some quiet time to yourself before you go to sleep? Do you have any family that can help with the children?

Sammy, I hope you will keep expressing yourself, if you find it helpful. We are here to listen.

[Sammy]

Have you considered getting support and speaking with a professional yourself?

I have been thinking of seeing a therapist or something, so thanks for the push on a different opinion on that matter the other thing I was thinking of doing was talking to the Doctor about an anti-

Depressant.

My wife is seeing the therapist for the 4^th time tomorrow and I will have her ask some general questions on if he thinks I should see him or a different type of mental help.

Does your wife have any trauma from her past that you know of?

As far as trauma goes her father went to court over molesting her older sister at 3 when she was 2 so who knows if anything actually happened. Another issue she told me about was when she was 5 or 6 playing with the family friends and/or childhood babysitter she remembers playing something a little more than “Doctor” if you get what I mean. She was also telling me today about some misleading trust stories about her half-sister from her father’s first marriage that still to this day claims he molested her as well.

Was she being treated for her postpartum depression?

We had her on a 50mg dose of some anti-depressant before she had the baby and bumped it to 100mg after he was born. It didn’t seem to help much or just made it worse.

Are you able to have some quiet time to yourself before you go to sleep?

That depends on the night. Tonight Yes! I went into work extra and came home early. So I Have a while to unwind, that is when I found this site and time to reply without beeing disturbed. Or just my normal nurdy stuff I like to do.

Do you have any family that can help with the children?

I have my wife watching the kids during the day or the older two are at school. Part of my sleeping problem is I work almost a true graveyard shift (4pm to 4:30am) so sleeping all morning is normal but like last night I crashed about 2am and was awake at 8am. This is a normal thing on my days off for the last few weeks. Where before I was sleeping in until 10am most of My days off and now I'm awake by Noon on the days I work If I get to sleep before 6 am if not I'm awake until 8 or 9 and still only get 5 to 6 hours of sleep.

So thanks for your help and advise I will be looking forward to more from anyone even if it is just a story of how they cope with their spouce and there dissociative disorder.

[IrmaJean]

I'm glad you are considering getting support for yourself, Sammy. I think it's very important to always remember to practice self-care.

Sexual abuse that occurs during a person's childhood can be traumatic and have a deep effect on a person's emotional health. It's good that she has opened up to you about some of this. It's also very positive that she is seeing a professional. If your wife is still struggling with postpartum depression and the prescribed medication has been ineffective, can you return to the doctor and tell him/her about this? It's possible she needs a different medication or an adjustment in dosage.

It's good that you had time to unwind after work. Relaxing activities that ease tension can be very helpful. The graveyard shifts can wreak havoc on a person's sleep cycle. I have experienced that as well. Lack of sleep can wear you down after a while, though. Any idea what might be causing you to wake sooner than you did previously?

Take gentle care of yourself, Sammy. I hope you feel better.

[malign]

One thing that hasn't been addressed so far is that a diagnosis, any diagnosis, is not an excuse for a person's behavior. You're entitled to be angry about your wife's behavior. At most, a diagnosis might help you understand her behavior, but forgiving and trusting again are not automatic. If mental illness really voided all of a person's responsibilities, who would ever want to get well?

I haven't experienced DID firsthand, though I've talked to a few people here who had that diagnosis. It's definitely not easy for them; it's generally the result of a great deal of pain (and the only way their minds could find to get away from that pain.) She will need as much love and support as you can find to give her.

And, so will you.

[Sammy]

She isn't having Post-pardom depression any more our baby is 2 now (yes she waited two years to tell me "grrrr", Or is it she couldn't remember for two years?). So seeing the Doctor for different meddication isn't really usfull at this time. She is more willing now to not have any more kids because of our bickkering over the last two years on how her mood was at the end of the pregnancy because I just don't want to see her like that again.

As far as Me wakeing up sooner I'm still not sure but I know stress has a big factor on that because if you go to bed with somthing on your mind your dreams will fill with them. So who knows really.

I thought she just had post pardom dippression possibly even Postpartum psychosis definitly not Dissociative Disorder. That Diagnosis is recent and isn't confermed yet she just started seeing the theripist for mental help 3 weeks ago. So she wasn't using it as an excuse just more of an if it helps to understand why. She knows she screwed up and was totaly understanding if I was going to leave her over this.

I totaly agree Trusting again isn't easy and won't ever be quite as much as it was before. No matter how she trys or what she does.

[finding my way]

Hi Sammy, just found this other thread. So sorry you are dealing with all of this

So glad your wife is getting help!

I have a struggle with dissociation that is not to the extent of DID, I do not lose passages of time or not know what I am doing, but I just want to share that it is extremely threatening to me when it occurs. I experience it as a loss of my very self-- I don't have access to me and I am doing all I can to survive. Those are dramatic words, but experiencing it is a terrible feeling. For me, getting quiet in a safe place with no sounds or demands bombarding me can usually work to getting me back on track so I can pick up the thread of me again and carry on.

I do not know how others experience it, or what your wife experiences, but it must be challenging at times for her! Hopefully with some therapy she will get to know what works for her so she can heal.

I am not judging you for being angry over her behavior, I would have trouble trusting too. This is a process that will take some time.

[Sammy]

If I was actually angry with her over the situation then I wouldn't still be with her so that was really only the first few days and you can't trust yourself to make clear decisions in a situation like that so I waited and thought it over and decided leaving would hurt more than staying. As we look into things more I'm thinking the first time was a dissociated situation but not quite the alternative person so something more like what you go through.

I do believe she wasn't in complete control so that didn't really help. Then you add in an outside push and everything turns sour. Creating the perfect mix that still makes my head spin.