I just need to spill this...

[dhole]

Here goes nothing… this is going to be lengthy

I found this support site this week. I’m glad I did. It’s a faceless way to get out some of what is bottled up. So readers if you will, kindly lend me your (digital) ears, I need this!

I am 32, divorced, a little overweight and just living day to day. I’m not suicidal or angry at the world for my physical body. I accept the hand I’ve been dealt, and I will play it until the end.

But, I am indeed one of the little guys and sometimes let my self-consciousness get in the way of lots of normal day to day things. I avoid a wall-less urinal like the plague. I won’t tuck my shirt in unless it’s for a funeral or a job requires it. From a “peter-gazer’s” perspective, it’s very obvious that I’m small. I constantly find myself at the laughing end of a joke or wisecracks, and the worst part is it’s usually at work. I have two jobs and get shit from both places. I’ve given up friendships due to constant ridicule. People are cruel, but I find myself not always letting that get to me, I’m human and admit I also like to have fun and be sarcastic and throw around offensive jokes at others expense also. It’s all fun and games right? I am extremely open minded person and often understand that people don’t quite realize just how incredibly inadequate they make me feel as a human being. But sometimes, the jokes cut me so far to the core I could just curl up and die. But I try not to feel sorry for myself as I have two jobs, a roof over my head, food in the pantry. I have all four limbs, I’m mentally competent, yada yada yada… But sometimes it’s really hard to cope with this one thing.

Recently the cracks taken at me have increased and affected my overall mood and ripped open a gaping hole in my self-esteem. I’m a little depressed about it. At the company Christmas party, The Operations Manager took a jab at me when a few of us guys from work were all standing in a circle and he grabbed his junk for whatever reason in the middle of the story he was telling and immediately canned his story to jab at me saying, “Sorry, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable since you can’t do this [grabbing his junk and shaking it at me].” Then the other two guys ganged up and just let me have it also grabbing their junk. I do what I always do and just make like that just didn’t happen and I just mosey on somewhere else. About 20 minutes later I’m at the fire pit and the operations manager took another jab. Someone was stoking the fire and he said “That’s a nice poker” and then leaned my way and said “You wish you had a nice poker, don’t you?” Again, I just walked away. The guy was drunk and I thought about letting him have it the following Monday, but he’s having to deal with a very ill sister and it’s hitting him hard. So I left it alone.

One night at my second job, the boss/owner took delight in saying how he just watched the Hangover sequel and how his favorite scene was the part where the monkey was chewing on what turned out to be the Asian guy’s penis and the cast was baffled as to what that little thing was poking out of the blanket... “He said what did you think about that, funny huh? The little monkey chewing on that tiny penis…” and laughed in my face. Typically you’d think I was just being paranoid and that he really wasn’t directing that at me but one of my ex-girlfriends works there and she has diarrhea of the mouth. She constantly says things that unintentionally offend people so yeah, everyone there knows. She’s a friend of mine and has been since we met, but jeez, think before speaking!

I know you might be thinking why don’t you just walk away from these jobs, go elsewhere, find professionalism? Well, the economy is in the crapper, the town I live in thrives on tourism, good year-round jobs and leniency at both work places is just too hard to come by and that leniency will prove useful when I start school in August. I’ve had corporate jobs and corporate rule can suck, though they have the organization that I crave in a workplace. Both my jobs are so loose that they aren’t quite doing as well as they could if they had more structure, organization and even discipline…

The people who “poke fun” are good people and we all get along, they just don’t realize they are hurting me deeply and I literally just don’t have the balls to say anything to them. I even have a longtime friend that calls me “willy lump-lump” and “skeeter-dink”… but believe it or not that doesn’t bother me, his junk is little too. HA! Not as bad off as me but, hey…

I don’t believe that I am a candidate for therapy and I damn sure won’t have a therapist write me medications. I am a firm believer in only taking meds if you are dying. I am mentally competent. I have relationship experience and will again someday, it’s just not my focus since divorce.

I just came here to dispense this to you all for the support. There seems to be a lot of that here from what I’ve read…

[Notdoneyet]

It's unfortunate that you are enduring this sort of behavior at an adult age.

I, too was treated this way back when I was in high school when I attempted to play

football and basketball on the high school teams. My way of handling it really

didn't prove to be the best since it caused me to be dismissed from both

for fighting with team"mates". It was my loss as well as both teams since the only

small thing about me was my penis and the rest was a well toned body capable of

administering a lot of pain to those who deserved it.

I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but I'm afraid my method of dealing

with the abuse wouldn't be appropriate in today's world.

I do know that if you could find the time to improve your overall health and

physical condition, you would begin to feel better about yourself and this

would be the man others would see, as well.

[Jessie]

So sorry to hear that man- well done for bearing up so well.

Im a bit alarmed that people can tell through your clothes you are small.

Can girls do that? So the girls at my work know Im small???

Im not so sure thats true because most of the girls I dated were suprised at how small I was- shocked even- so they couldn't tell through my trousers.

How did the people at the 1st work find out?

As for your 2nd work- thats why I would NEVER date a work colleague- the humiliation would be unbearable to me.

I say change jobs as soon as the economy allows.

Its one thing having this terrible handicap but quite another for others to disrespect you because of it- thats bullying and unacceptable.

I understand why you cannot complain or retaliate so get out- ASAP.

Good luck.

ps there was a similar thing last year when an airport guy tested a body scanner and his male and female colleagues ridiculed his size.

He actually punched the main tormenter- i forget if he was sacked or not...

[dhole]

Well NDY, I have been overweight 2/3 of my life. I've battled it before and succeeded. But I got married and got comfortable. It came back. Since divorce I've tried several times but have yet to succeed. But I am working on it again. Time will tell. And yes fighting (popping the aggressor in the jaw has crossed my mind) is considered assault these days. Lame.

Jessie, maybe its just me but I can spot the little fella right away in any pair of pants I own! Flaccid, the little guy looks like a little birdy poking its head out of a nest. (Erect, it's not terrible. About 5.25"-5.5" been a while since I measured.)

At my day job, I work at a place where I knew half the crew before I ever worked there and I live in a small town. At the second job my ex-girlfriend is an ex from 12 years ago. I've only een employed there for 2 years.

[Girlfriend-here]

Im sorry to hear you work with freaks but as a female we can't spot your size from looking at a mans crouch as its tucked away. My experience with a small man, he was paranoid ppl could tell by looking at his crouch that he wore the same shorts most days cos he thought those particular shorts hid it well, but weather he had swimming shorts or boxers on I didn't noticed.

I know that size is on the forefront of ur mind everywhere you go, perhaps u feel that when u walk into a party or a room ppl will look at u and automatically think ur small, however soooo many ppl out there don't realise that this world exist and wouldn't think twice when looking at a man.

Also dhole, 5.25 is a great size..., perhaps work on other areas of your self to make Ur self better plus why do they think ur so small when that's average?? Has this all come from ur ex?

[Jessie]

yes 5.5 maybe not be big but its not tiny.

its way bigger than me.

i know girls tend to say 6 or even 7 is average but magazines tend to say 5-6 these days.

even if the girls are correct 5.5 isnt THAT far from 6...

what on earth has your ex been saying????

[IrmaJean]

Hi, d, and welcome.

I’m sorry the men at your workplace are being so cruel. I know how I feel about myself inside can make me more vulnerable to feeling hurt by others. Are you able to separate yourself some from their comments? Their behaviors reflect on them and not you.

But sometimes it’s really hard to cope with this one thing.

I hear that this is hard for you.

The guy was drunk and I thought about letting him have it the following Monday' date=' but he’s having to deal with a very ill sister and it’s hitting him hard. So I left it alone.[/quote']

It was kind of you to consider his feelings even when he was being cruel.

The people who “poke fun” are good people and we all get along' date=' they just don’t realize they are hurting me deeply and I literally just don’t have the balls to say anything to them.[/quote']

Is there one person there who you could safely confide in?

It’s good that you are open to the positive aspects of your life. I'm wondering why you don't think you are a good candidate for therapy?

Take care.

[Bundy]

Respect for being a much bigger man than myself, if I would find myself in such a situation, it would have undoubtely ended with me killing all these motherfuckers.

[dhole]

Hello all, thanks for listening... Bundy, I laughed pretty hard, so thanks.

Well I failed to mention, that for a guy I carry with me the "junk in the trunk"... I have a bubble butt, and it tends to pull my pants a little tighter in the front with all that space being occupied in the rear. It's not because I'm chunky either, when I was skinny, I found my rear was being checked out by the ladies. Anyways I believe it's extremely obvious [for me] through most pants and I don't dare wear gym shorts, sweat pants, or any pants with no zipper... we're talking dead giveaway! I don't fret so much about erect, it's flaccid that kills me. I'm what I read once as a "grow-er not a show-er"...

It (the thought) is something that is always there, but I do well at not letting it get in the way of my life. I don't have a social problem where it keeps me from venturing out. However, when my wife and I split I was left feeling inadequate as a person, not because of size but because the way the relationship ended. My ex-wife had 6 sisters and half of them we drug addicts, and eventually she fell into that. She became addicted to crack amongst many other things. I had no idea any of it was going on until a couple of weeks before we split. After it was over I was left in shambles and I felt like everything was my fault. I felt I drove her to using. I felt I wasn't good enough, the typical mental reaction to a split of that caliber. I did think it was my size on few occasions, but I knew better, we actually clicked well intimately. But I've never been left with such a feeling of zero self worth. It had it's toll, but those days are behind me and I'm doing well with life aside from the anxiety from my short comings...

Irma, thanks. It's not just the men, well in a sense I guess it is... there is a (manly) lesbien and she bought a couple of the guys sex toys for Christmas, and said she almost got me a penis extension. I was floored. I honestly couldn't believe this was said to me in the workplace! But then I remembered where I work and this place is like a 12 person dysfunctional family... I thought about going to the operations manager, but I guess [after reading my original post] you could see why that didn't happen. As for reasons for not thinking myself a candidate for therapy, my answer is simply pride. But yes, I do have a friend whom I spent almost 90 minutes taling with last night after posting here. It helped. Most amazing friendship I've ever had. We've been friends since high school. Our parents went to church & school together and our granparents went to church together. This guy is an amazing person and we've helped eachother through many of bad times, and in a way he's like my therapist.

All in all I think myself a pretty good looking dude, and I've been told on several occasions that I'm a great preson. So I don't [always] feel hopeless in life, and I try to keep my chin up. Could be better, could be worse.

Again, thank you all so much. It is nice to have a place to share with people who can relate.

[Jessie]

well i say you should be thankful for your 5.5

honestly if i had that I suspect I would still be in a relationship with any of the 5 women I have been intimate with.

as for the 'extension' gift- I can see why that hurt in the workplace.... mind you I had it worse.... I had a girl say that to me too... but she was my girlfriend!! and she was deadly serious....!

I felt physically sick for weeks and months

Anyway I think you are a pretty lucky guy- I have heard women say countless times its the size when hard that counts and you possess humour and intelligence, and from what you say, good looks.

You can have your cake and eat it my friend. Leave those jerks at work ASAP and never look back.

[dhole]

Thanks Jessie. The extension remark was probably serious. But to tell you the truth if I had a girlfriend ask me that I would be willing to give it a try. Granted she would have to have approach the situation the right way. I believe intimacy is about mutual stimulation. With both parties onboard, you can work together to achieve that.

I don't know your mental standpoint as I'm new here, but don't let it slow you down too much! I'm willing to bet with a good attitude paired with proper communication can land you a great girl.

This place is pretty helpful. My spirits are lifted in time for the weekend, and I'm off from my 2nd job all weekend. Double score! Thanks again Jessie, have a great weekend!

[Victimorthecrime]

dhole you should get a lawyer & sue this company for hostile work environment.

[dhole]

Sir, I do not believe that suing is the answer for me. I do not hate these people. I believe that I am going work up the courage to confront each person individually and let them know just how they made me feel.

I understand the concept of a joke. You laugh at it and move on. From their perspective, the joke is long since over. If I bring to light the fact that I carried that joke home with me and it still stings, each offender should realize and understand how I feel.

I am confident that I can resolve this easily. I literally came here for the support. I am extremely down to earth and understanding (most of the time). I do not wish to have agnst toward any one in the long run. Life is too short to carry a chip on my shoulder.

Having said that, I mean no disrespect towards anyone hear who might be angry. I understand why they might be, this is not something that is often easy to deal with. I've been there.

[dhole]

Ok! I have been away from this site since February. Working two jobs has me hemned up. Constantly with little down time.

So last time I was here I said that I think confronting my tormentors would stop the harassment... two weeks ago, I did just that. It wasn't easy to just out right confront this as it is something that I do not feel comfortable doing so. But my tormentor has zero problem with it. Any time a chance arises, he punches on it. Often! In front of everyone, completely ignorant to the fact that the person on the laughing end of the joke just wants to jump off a building.

At the end of a hectic night shift, I pulled the guy aside and laid everything on the table. I told him how every time he cracks a small joke it makes me feel less than a person, unworthy of existing, etc. Afterwards, he apologized. He said he had no idea how it made me feel. He thought it was all in good fun as we all crack on eachother constantly through the night to keep us sain. I had to spell out how foul it is to hit below the belt. He said it hurt his feelings knowing how bad he was making me feel. I was flustered beyond belief immediately after. It was not a comfortable conversation. But I woke up feeling good! It was an enormous weight off my shoulders. Its been two weeks and everything is fine. We are still friends as its how I wanted it. I don't hate anyone over it.

It's the whole "walk a mile in my shoes" thing. It's all about perspective. If you can help show someone a different side of a situation (assuming they are a normal person, with feelings like you and me), then you can coexist.

Well any thoughts from you regulars? I'd like to hear your perspectives!

[newguy]

Respect for being a much bigger man than myself, if I would find myself in such a situation, it would have undoubtely ended with me killing all these motherfuckers.

I like your style lol if I was living in a country a wash with guns probably would have done it years ago lol

[Jeep]

.

[Perseverance]

Excellent post Dhole!

So glad you stood up for yourself. I've been saying that for a little while on here we all need to do that. People complaining about being treated sub human. Take it back! Let people know we are going through living hell and its not acceptable to crack small jokes just as its unacceptable to make fun of autistic children. It's hurtful and childish.

[newguy]

dhole you are an incredibly strong person.

It would have been a trip straight to casualty or the morgue for me, do not pass go.

Jeep dude ... Is it me or do we as British live in a more of a highly sexual country where 95% of girls have had many lovers before the age of 20 and 75-85% have kids before the age of 20 ... The female youth here seem to have got this image from media that a penis is not a penis unless its 8inches .. lol think I need to move to thailand ... As each generation comes along feel more and more that generation hates us small guys more and more .... Feel like I am sooo missing out on the "normal" young single lad life of every other brit in this country I should be off to spain for lads holidays not here crying over my tiny size

[Perseverance]

Lol I don't think it's just the Brits that have to deal with this. It's just as bad in the US. Especially in the area I live. Right on the shore with clubs everywhere my area is more than highly sexual. Its almost famous for it.

[Jeep]

.

[malign]

"I pulled the guy aside and laid everything on the table."

Great job, dhole! :-)

I once had to pull a guy aside too. He was bigger than I was, but I guess I'd have to describe myself as more committed. I didn't know him very well, but we both got hired by a drug store about the same time, so I had to work with him. For some reason, he had decided to call me "nerd" everywhere we went. Not that I wasn't one (or am not still), but that it was clear that it was meant to bother me. It didn't help that he was still in high school and I was a few years older.

This wasn't a case where it was going to end amicably, though. If pressed, I'dve fought him over it, and as I say, I was more committed than he was ... Of course, in typical bully style, he didn't take me up on the offer. He did keep calling me "nerd", but only where he thought I wouldn't hear about it, and I let it drop because I knew which of us had backed down.

I had been a pacifist during my own high school years, letting stuff go and trying to pretend it didn't bother me. But when that same mentality pursued me out into the real world, I just wouldn't let it. Right after challenging him, however, I had a very strong wave of fear, not that he might have hurt me in the fight, but that I probably wouldn't have stopped until he was dead. It gave me a new orientation about what I was capable of, and one I wasn't particularly happy with.

[dhole]

Newguy, I don't think the US is any different. People are very sexual because of how everything is marketed to us. People here are very sexual. I'm with perseverance. I live in a coastal town where its famous for people coming here on a moral hiatus to get slap crazy.

Jeep, thanks for the "strong person" compliment. I have my bad days. I did not become this positive until after my divorce. After I got passed the pain of how I lost my ex to her drug habit and stopped blaming myself, then I had time to focus on me. It has been a rocky road, but I'm still alive and doing better than ever. This doesn't mean that when I meet a new lady that I won't be faced with the terror of having to deal with the first sexual encounter. The fact that it's a 50/50 chance that she'll be in k with it, is enough not to fret it too much. Like my new hero, firefighter said in another thread, you just got to go for it!