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Hi I am currently a 21 year old female who seriously sometimes feel like I want to give up. I don't even know why I am feeling this. Ever since my relationship, at first I was happy because I kind of controlled everything but then things went downhill when i feel that I am almost never in control anymore. I mean if the other person really cares about you then wouldn't it make sense to kind of give in to the thing that you want the person to do? I mean for simple things like, I made his lunch and since he said he wants to eat little i gradually decreased the portion to make sure that he finish it but it just seems like that he won't finish it on purpose just to make me upset. It's not like that I have so much time to spend the time and effort on his lunch. Seriously, every morning I wake up at 4 am just to make his lunch no matter how tired I am and I don't even get a thank you. I mean he can just work it off later by exercising or something. I seriously feel that the person do not care about me. Also I have weight issues and ever since I started this relationship I cared less about my weight. Actually I used to have major self depression and my way of trying to ameliorate it is through making everything perfect including recleaning my room, organizing everything, refolding my clothes, and eating little and taking lots of diet pills and take laxatives every time I eat so I can control my weight. Then i just feel like everything is perfect. But now I feel so horrible because my room and bathroom and house is not as clean as i wanted it to be ever since he moved in and I just feel like my life is a mess and I can't control myself as much as before. What makes it worse is that he doesn't even appreciate the things I do by even doing smt for me or even something as simple as finishing his lunch. I mean what is the big deal?

I'm sorry if anything I said made anyone uncomfortable or insulted anyone indirectly. I just really feel like I want to die right now.

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Welcome, sakura. Wanting control (at least, some amount of it) is a pretty normal wish, but relationships with other people are perhaps the most obvious place where control isn't possible. I'm sorry if that's difficult to hear. Can I ask how controlling your environment (like, say, refolding your clothes) protects you, and from what harm? Are you aware that some of the behaviors you describe could be seen as somewhat obsessive-compulsive (and that OCD is treatable?) If you felt less anxious, would you feel less need to control things?

Can we look at the "making lunch" process with the roles reversed? If he made your lunch a certain size, even if you felt you weren't that hungry, would you eat it all just to please him, even though you're watching your weight? Another question is, does he expect you to make him lunch, or is that just something you decided to do for him?

Every relationship has a period where the couple negotiate their respective needs (because every pair of people are different), and set minimum standards between them for the things that bother them. But compromise is never easy (I've heard it defined as exactly that situation where neither side is satisfied); you might find that he is unwilling to follow the standards that you consider minimal. Hopefully, that wouldn't be a reason to die, but maybe to find a different relationship?

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I know a person who compulsively leaves a little food on her plate no matter what size portion she started out with. I'm not sure why this is her habit, but some people may have the habit to do this instead of the habit to eat everything on their plate.

It's not easy being 21 sakura, I hope you can be a little easier on yourself as you adjust to the big wide world. :o

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