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still trying to heal


mscat

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Thank u ! yes, I am for sure glad that is over ! Yesterday, i did not do anything cause of the day before.... But now my brother is giving me hell. He is starting to make critizing comments about me, and i do not like it. Saying that i am crazy, and i use to be so much different, then he says like when u did this... Geez I am really the same person I was before ! I don't think i have changed that much.

THere just has been so many things that has happened in the last 5 1/2 yrs. Almost 6. Why can't he see that? Instead of being rude and judgeing me? I wish I had enough nerve to tell him off. Or at least tell him what i think about his lousy remarks.

I don't go around telling him crap. He is a asshole at times. And sometimes it really gets to me.

Well today i am going to try and put the laundry away, and the Christmas Tree has to come down... Yeah, I know it should have been done already, but things seem to be monumental .... A burden to be done, and there is no motivation.

I did go back on the meds, to help the severe depression. But, I don't know how long that takes to actually start helping. SO as for now things are a pain is the ass to do.

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What?!! Taking the tree down before February?! What's the rush?:rolleyes: Don't let your brother bait you. Siblings are always doing that.

Hey, I just wanted to say that I learned some stuff from you sharing your story with us. Today I was having a rough time, thoughts looping in my head, and it was all centered around strong feelings I was having that I really can't do anything about. I thought of you and said to myself, I've got triggers too. This stuff is too much for me. Somehow that helped me gain perspective. Anyway, thanks:)

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Finding My Way , thank you ! It helps me feel better knowing I could help someone by sharing my story. I am glad that you were able to get through it and stay strong.

Yes, my brother is something else, but i am getting stronger so I can come back at him now. If he wants to be rude, then i am ready, i'll get him back, hey what are big sister's for? He comes to my house to assist me, so I am not going to tolerate his rude uncaring comments. I do not ask what he thinks, he just tells me, and a lot of times he is not nice about it. He just does not understand no matter how much or how hard I try explaining to him. That is what is frustrating to me.

Again today was anther day of not doing much of anything. Oh well... It is Sunday, who like s to get things done today? :eek:

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This is why I hate going out...

my pup is ill, and I have to take her to the vet, I get in a car accident on the way over, we are ok, thank god. Then , at the vet he tells me that the cost to treat her is aprox. $500.00 . I don't have that kind of extra money lying around. SO out of desperation I call my father for financial assistance. He proceeds on lecureing me instead on how I do not manage my money and crap. HE has not talked to me ever since.

I can't even drive when the anxiety is through the roof and the stress . ... And then I find out that my counselor had seen me in the mud in the field at the accident, oh fuckin well... I never talked to him yesterday anyhow.

I want to SI so badly right now.. However, can't because my son is here, and i do not do that when he is . SO stuck , stressed and tempted to over due nightly meds ... Just fed up, and hate the world esp. myself right now for being such a screw up, white trash idiot. Perhaps a little vodca with those meds will work tonight... :eek: No I really will not do that, just the thought of it though is comforting.

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I was thinking of you strongly yesterday, now I know why! So nothing positive came out of seeing your therapist? What's wrong with the pup?

I've been learning from here that who we are emerges out of our relationships with other people. Well, the crazy thing is, what if other people are mirroring back negative things to us? Initially you can feel that who you are, then, is something trashy. Can I just say though, that maybe you're stuck in a situation where some of your close ones are negative people? If you were around more positive people you would have better feedback. I'd also like to say that in spite of all the crap you were getting, you DID hold it together, you DID reisist negative coping actions, and you DID reach out to us. That is worth something mscat!! Keep separating yourself out from negative people if you can. You may still have to see them occasionally, but keep their ideas separate from your ideas and limit your time with them.

I hope you have a better day today.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi mscat,

So, you had one of "those days." Well, we have all had them. But, I really think that we talk ourselves into viewing these days as terrible. Yes, your dog is sick and, I know, that gets very expensive. Of course, your Dad was being predictable: lecturing you when that is the last thing you need or want. As for the car accident, that was "icing on the cake."

I assume that your dog will be OK and that you will get through this. I hope you told your dad how unhelpful he was being. The worst thing is to get angry but the best thing, sometimes, is to make the other person feel guilty.

My grandmother was the master of making others feel guilty. I am not saying that is a good thing to do all the time but, sometimes, Oh Yes.

Allan

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Thanks you so much for the feedback !

My puppy is holding her own, so far so good. Yes it was very expensive , the accident, and the vet bill . :eek: But, what can I do besides try and deal with it all? I know the accident was my fault and i could have very easily rolled my car, killing my son, and puppy. i had turned around for a split second , got distracted by my child, and ran off the road, then proceeded to over correct, turned the wheel back too sharp, spun the car around and landed in the field, caked with mud. I took out two tires, off the rims. We are ok though !

As for my father, well I never like to have to ask for financial assistance, ever. However I was not expecting him to judge me either. Telling me that i sent my money on tattoos, and not able to manage my funds. Well the tattoos were so people would stop staring at my burn scars! He is so judgemental, and just too far religious for me. I did not apreciate him treating me like a child. If I chose to get tattoos then I can, it is not his concern. I wanted to tell him to raise a kid on his own for 15 yrs. Let's see him save money and be so perfect. I absolutely hate people who judge others and feel so much superior then anyone elese! NO I did not say anything back to him. I never been able to stand up to them. He has not talked to me since. i may send him a email.

i think we are going to stay at home today , money is tight for the rest of the month anyway.

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My LIttle Yorkie , Suzi, is doing great now :o She gave me such a scare . i never thought i could love a puppy as much as i do her. She has helped me so much already. to me, i think a depressed person ought to go and get a puppy. They are marvelous healers. I don't think anyone can stay too sad after hold ing a puppy who licks you in the face, and stay on your lap.

I have to give Suzi meds still, but, she is well now. I am even a member of a group that is all about Yorkies. and, I also have tats of paw prints . :o

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi everyone,

If any of you have read my articles then you know that I am a big pet person. They bring such comfort and relief that they are therapeutic by themselves. I am glad to see that some of you have pets. Even though they can become ill sometimes and give us some anxiety, that passes and the comfort they provide far out weighs any problems they may have.

Allan:)

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I have always loved animals . Suzi is my first puppy I have ever had on my own. I usually stay at home all the time and not social.

Family members want to send my son and to Disneyland in March for three days. A Christmas gift... Problem is that I am the way I am, and really do not want to leave home, or Suzi. Now, my son is all excited about it, and i am so stressed . I'd rather be at home, safe with Suzi and my son, and now I am torn up about what to do. These people do not know me well, and although the present is nice, it is not something I can handle right now. the thought of going, and then having to leave Suzi is too much to deal with. However, then everyone will be pissed if I decline. Something as big as this should have been discussed over with me first, beforehand.

My father is already talking to me about how I don't know how to save money and thinks I should always have money for emergency's. Yeah, right , a single parent having emergency money! SO I'd like to tell them that i'll take my son to Disneyland when I can financially afford to! To me this is so unfair ! To have to do this when I believe it is going to be very stressful, and I am not strong enough to handle all the people and crowds at Disneyland!

AM I just being selfish? Putting my needs first? Thinking of the Puppy before my son? Unreasonable? this is stressing me out to no end, and feeling like a terrible person, and parent ! Then I am angry that the family decided to plan this trip without asking me ? They are aware that things have been difficult in the last couple of months, However, they felt like this was a great idea .

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I talked to my brother just today, and he is will to take cae of all of my animals... Especially Suzi. Suzi is my Yorkie and the one that i am very attached to. She is my baby, and the one I really am worried about. bUt, my son is very excited to go, and it will be fun to take him. I do not have a lot of people in my life , so no, their is not anyone else who I;d ever allow take my son that far away. I am protective to all my family members. Mainly becaause i have nobody else.

Suzi will be ok , with my brother looking after her. He knows how i feel about her. Even so, I still have not decided if it is a good idea to go.

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It is natural to feel afraid to leave a safe spot. Safety and Security is the second tier of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. We crave it. It is certainly understandable to be afraid. Who knows what can happen?

But in the end, who knows what could have happened anyway? Maybe this experience will be the best of your life. Maybe having that kind of fun will give you something more. Give you one more step to life. The uncertainty is constant and can lead to bad places, however, it can also lead to good places. So, please pardon my candor, and I know it this is MUCH easier said than done... but you should grit your teeth try this experience. Because it would be a shame to miss this.

As Greenleaf said near the end of his life - "Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: "What might have been."

- Anonymous

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i will have to take Matt to Disneyland in March.... I'll lay specific ground rules for my brother who will take care our precious pets. YES, it is a matter of safety and security that I feel at home. Their has been a lot of trauma and heartache recently in our lives, and this is what is difficult.

The Puppy has brought in our lives unconditional love and acceptance. I have to know that she will be taken care of well and no harm will come to her. I'd rather die then to see something tragic happen . Why always think the worse? I do not know?

It will be an experience of a lifetime for Matt. He has never been to Disneyland. And me, I have not been there since a little kid.

The feelings Of self harm have been pulling me towards that direction. I catch myself planning on it. Oddly, I want the lighter, and cigars to burn the skin and flesh... To feel pain is to know one is alive and still exsisting. That is what Self injury does for me.

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I remember a long time ago, when I first came into this place, You and I came to that conclusion of why you choose to injure. To feel alive. Sometimes in the despair it's hard to discern. It's hard to see the forest through the trees. Unable to see life, because everything about it is coming at us. I understand. However harming ourselves does us no good. Where do you end up? What happens to you? It is hard to break a habit, but the great thing about a vacation, is it allows us to take a break from the forest. Forget about the troubles and sorted trees, so that finally you can come back as see the forest as a whole.

I think that this trip will be good for you. Until then, cope by remembering that this vacation is coming, and you will get a well deserved break. That is what a vacation is for.

And always remember that we will be here when you need it. That is what this place is for. People who just need somebody to say, I understand, and I'll help you through it.

Well, I understand. And I'll help you through it.

- Anonymous.

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