new... not sure where to post

[IzzyBee]

I'm 24 years old. Have always had a short fuse but can be patient when I want to be. Here lately I feel like im losing my mind... I'm overweight and have been fighting to lose weight. But I'm even angrier when hungry. I have no confidence and I feel repulsive. I have a gorgeous boyfriend who is great to me. But it did take me a long time for him to want to be with me. For the longest time he told me we had no spark and that he didnt think we would be good together... Well fast forward a few years we are still best friends and joint at the hip and he decides I'm finally good enough to call his girlfriend. He's seriously the best guy ever. The only thing that i hate about my relationship is that he never looks at me longingly and I don't catch him admiring me like I do him. I have a healthy sexual appetite but he has sex with me maybe once a month. It drives me so crazy to the point its all I think about sometimes, he laughs and calls me a nympho. I just feel gross and ugly cause I feel my boyfriend does not want me. He says he does not want anyone else and that he thinks I'm attractive, but i feel stupid for being like that. I love being around him and we hardly fight and he's so great when I have my anger fits he basically ignores me which is better then him getting angry at me. Here lately I hate everything. I have horrible back pain and cannot exercise to lose weight and im so unconfident and insecure. I snap at everyone and I feel bad for my grandma and my boyfriend the most because they deal with it the most. Everything irritates me and I cry a lot. I try not to talk to my grandma because I don't want to burden her and when I talk to my boyfriend he just tells me it will be ok and to chill out. He's such a mellow person and I feel so stupid for being so angry and frustrated all the time. I say "f$#@ my life" and "I hate everything" "i hate myself" and stuff like that a lot and I know people don't wanna hear that. I have a good personality and can talk to people well I just get so angry and stressed out. I wanna lose weight and feel better about myself and maybe my boyfriend will show more interest in me. I think that would help a lot but I'm pretty sure I have problems.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome, Izzybee.

I'm sorry you are struggling. It's good you are reaching out and expressing yourself.

Irritability, frequent angry outbursts, sadness, and negative feelings toward oneself are all symptoms of depression. Have you ever talked to a professional about your feelings?

A few times in your post you mentioned how nice your boyfriend is. You also mention that he has laughed when you expressed your needs, he called you a name, he ignored you when you were feeling upset, and he was dismissive of your feelings. Maybe just something to consider and think about...

The factors involved in controlling a person's body weight are numerous and complex, making it very challenging to lose weight. I hope you can be kind to yourself as you continue to try. Is your boyfriend willing to share in this with you? Maybe exercising together or preparing meals together would help you to feel supported.

Take care.

[IzzyBee]

Thank you so much for replying. I have never talked about these feelings to anyone but my boyfriend, and writing these things upsets me a lot but I have to talk to someone. No I have never thought about seeking help until now, I feel like I'm at my wits end and I'm getting worse. You are right about my boyfriend, trust me I wish he was a little more emotionally concerned and connected to me. But that is just not how he is, I have always known it and that is what attracted me to him. He's a sweet person but when I am a babbling sobbing mess he does not know what to do. I don't think it should depend on something he does. This is my problem and I should be able to handle it. I'm usually such a strong person and I have never needed the help or approval of anyone else. I feel so stupid and guilty when I have my fits because there is no reason for it other then I'm going insane. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have said I'm depressed for a while because I see the anti depressant commercials and some mention feeling out of control. The only time I feel calm and normal and able to think is when I smoke marijuana. But I don't do that much, I probably should. It seems to work as an anti depressant for me for a few hours. With the weight thing. Im definitely not gonna ask him to diet with me. He's 6'4 and can eat whatever he wants and he works very hard. He's about 220 lbs and would like to put 15 lbs back on that he lost. We have talked about running and working out together but I have had such terrible back pain for about 6 months now I can't do too much. I try to be active for a few days and I'm useless for a week. My boyfriend and I have horses and I have not been able to ride in months. I spend time with the horses and I love them but it does not give me exercise when I can't do anything.

[IrmaJean]

I feel so stupid and guilty when I have my fits because there is no reason for it other then I'm going insane. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I think it's good that you recognize and acknowledge your feelings. I also hope that you can be gentle with yourself through this. Life can be challenging. It is for me too. We're all human and I think we all struggle at times. Feeling out of control can be frightening. I'm sorry you have been feeling this way. Is there anything you can think of specifically that sets off your anger? Often times, anger is secondary and there are deeper feelings beneath it, such as pain or fear. Trying to become very self-aware might be helpful, though I know that can be challenging. If you come to know what upsets you and you sense your body and emotions getting to that point, you may be able to take a step back and breathe before becoming overwhelmed by the emotion. These are things you might work on in therapy too, if you decide to go.

We have talked about running and working out together but I have had such terrible back pain for about 6 months now I can't do too much. I try to be active for a few days and I'm useless for a week.

I'm sorry your back has been hurting. :-( My husband has a similar difficulty with back pain and response to activity. The chronic pain and inability to be active can really get him feeling down at times. Do you see a doctor or chiropractor for your back? This does seem to offer him some relief. I'm not sure what your injury might be and you would want to consult with a doctor first, but possibly there are some specific exercises that might help build your strength?

What comforts you? I enjoy listening to music and writing poetry or expressing myself. I have been meditating recently as well. It helps me to slow things down and focus on my needs for at least some part of the day. Maybe it might help you too? I don't know if anxiety is in the mix of what you've been feeling or not, but that type of stress can lead me to have some emotional meltdowns at times.

I hope you feel better, Izzy. Take care.