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what am I?


Kurdah
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I'm not sure if this is the proper place to put this, or not.

So, pretty much I'm an 18 year old that doesn't leave my house due to extreme social anxiety I've got low self esteem insecurities through the roof, family has a terrible mental health history both mom and dad's side, I've dealt with depression since I was a freshman in high school, it gets better and gets worse, I've only ever been suicidal once never attempted it though, sorry getting off topic, I want something real, I want marriage, kids, the whole deal, I'm a virgin and I only want to be with one person through the course of my life, but i can't seem to make it work, I've got a lovely girlfriend that helps me deal with all of my issues she looks them over and helps me stop when i get bad. I'm not abusive or anything I just start fights a lot over very small things, I'm extremly jealous of even small things like if a guy talks to her i think they're flirting, and i get angry and start a fight I over analyze every possibility of every situation and i always pick the worst possible outcome then act as if it's already in stone. I've noticed that something inside me likes it when we fight for whatever reason, something urges me to make us fight but once we have i hate myself and it always works out but it's so tiring fighting over such small things, i'm too controlling i guess. She never really complains but i know it's getting to her. It has to be, does anybody know of anyone like this, is like this or what this would be called? I'd really like a name to put to this condition so I can do some research and hopefully better myself.

Sorry for the wall of text, and thank you for your time I'll provide more information as asked.

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Welcome to the community, Kurdah. :)

Your post is just fine here. We don't worry so much about where posts are. The important thing is you reached out for help.

Social anxiety can be tough. I've struggled with this myself in the past. Are you completely unable to leave the house? Maybe it would be helpful to work on how you are feeling about yourself. Feeling secure and okay with who you are may help with many of the difficulties you are describing. Have you ever talked with a professional about your struggles?

I over analyze every possibility of every situation and i always pick the worst possible outcome then act as if it's already in stone.

Hmm. This does sound familiar. I do this, too, sometimes. I've been trying to work on being more present and looking at situations differently. Also, I've been working on my coping skills so I don't fear any challenges that might present themselves. Definitely not easy. Maybe it helps to know you aren't alone.

I've noticed that something inside me likes it when we fight for whatever reason, something urges me to make us fight but once we have i hate myself and it always works out but it's so tiring fighting over such small things.

Has there been a lot of fighting in your home environment? It can take some time and practice learning how to interact and each person you interact with is different too. Would it feel stimulating to have engaging conversation with your girlfriend instead of arguing?

I can't say what you might be struggling with specifically since we don't diagnose here. A professional would be able to help you with that. I do hope you can be kind to the person you are. Life can be a challenge and all of us struggle from time to time.

Take care.

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