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Grasping at straws here, decided to try a forum.


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Hello, fellow internet-goers. You may call me lotophage.

As to what brings me here, it's rather simple: after exhausting all of my remaining offline coping methods, I've thrown in the towel and decided to try my hand at a forum.

I've been in and out of therapy since approximately age 6, although when it started it was virtually all outside referrals (teachers and parents; I was a "problem kid" and they were looking for justification). However, around age 13, my real problems started to rear their ugly heads.

I unfortunately do not have an "official" diagnosis, as 1. I have not stayed with a therapist long enough to receive one (mostly due to financial difficulties), and 2. The few "tentative" diagnoses I have received were frequently shot down by the next therapist I would see.

However, the verdict seems to be that I have:

Severe depression with suicidal tendencies,


Gender Identity Disorder,

PTSD (various abuse),

and either Schizotypal or Borderline Personality Disorder (these are highly debatable).

I won't dump my exhaustive life story on you guys, as the real issue here is the fact that I've suppressed, ignored, or outright denied these conditions, some of which impact my waking life to a crippling extent.

That is why I am here. It is becoming more and more difficult to make it through the day without a self-abusive and/or violent episode, I'm failing my spring classes (again), and I can't hold down a job.

My family has given me two options: more therapy, or it's back to the psych ward. I'd rather not repeat the latter.

As a result, any and all help and/or advice I receive here will be greatly appreciated. Thanks a ton.

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Hello, lotus-eater, and welcome aboard. {Tempted to ask if you're narcoleptic as well, but ... never mind.} ;-)

It's interesting that you're aware that you've "suppressed, ignored, or ... denied" things, which in turn lead to self-abusive or violent episodes. Is that just a Freud-derived explanation, or can you actually perceive the links between suppressed stuff and the outbursts? I guess I'm asking what triggers the explosions, if you can see the trigger, at least in hindsight. Quite often, the triggers are the place to start looking for alternatives ...

I too came out of my psych ward experience with the preference not to repeat it. Has therapy become a more financially viable option? If so, are you interested, and have you done any work in setting that up?

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