Frustrated.

[Perseverance]

Hopefully this thread doesn't get highjacked like the last one I made.

Frustrated that with my problem I deal with that part of my therapy is just having sex. Not having enough opportunities to get better and learn her body more is getting to me. And like I said before I've been working out extremely hard and running alot and I'm young so it's not like my testosterone levels are low here. Last weekend. No sex. This upcoming weekend no sex. I know it for a fact just based off out plans. So I'm going to go three weeks without sex. And during that time my mind drifts off in a very unhealthy way. Ugh. Like I said many times before. I genuinely love spending time with her I have lots of fun being around her. But I also want her. I can't talk about it anymore. We've had to many discussions about it because I always try to advance when I know it's my only chance. And when she denies me or says shes running late I get upset. I pretty much promised I'm not going to ruin the end if a good weekend any more by doing it. So I guess before I see her sat I'm goin to have to masturbate. I could see if I wanted sex every other day but come on going three weeks is insane. If its not one thing it's another. I have no desire to fuck around either. I'm faithful and I only want to be with her.

I've considered signing up for jujitsu just so I can take out my frustration on other people.

[Cece.dedesl]

From a woman's point of view, men can occasionally make a relationship primarily about sex and they forget to connect with their partner in an emotional way.

Men feel wanted when their partner is sexually active. Women feel wanted when men are attentive on an emotional level.

It's the men are from Mars, Women are from Venus syndrome.

If I feel pressured to perform sexually, it feels like a chore. About as emotionally and physically satisfying as washing dishes.

I usually read someone's previous posts before offering my input but I didn't have time to do so here so, I apologize if you've tried re-connecting with your significant other and this is redundant advise.

[Cece.dedesl]

Oh yes... Telling her it's unacceptable would be HUGE help. Lol

Low sex drive could be an issue. How old is she?

[Cece.dedesl]

You have to have some tact. This isn't a one night stand. Whenever you put someone on the defensive, chances are they will come out swinging.

[Cece.dedesl]

There is always an underlying issue when people drift apart sexually. In a committed a relationship anyways...

He seems to love her, he seems committed. Drawing a line in the sand will only push her further away.

Using words like unacceptable won't help. Opening the lines of communication, finding out why she's uninterested will.

My earlier post was just a suggestion. Like I said I haven't had a chance to read all his posting yet. I don't have his story yet but I can guarantee telling her it's "unacceptable" will find him single sooner rather than later.

[IrmaJean]

It's possible there is some reason for her not wanting to have relations that has to do with her. You mentioned she had just started birth control. There can be physical issues with a woman's body while adjusting to the medication that might make her feel uncomfortable with having sex. I don't know if that's a factor or not.

You said you have discussed this with her? Have you asked what her needs are and also expressed yours?

[Perseverance]

She's in her mid twenties. She told me last night she can't wait to see me tonight. I hear things like that all the time so it's not like shes drifting away from me. She's pretty hard to get close to anyways. I have trouble cuddling and being close with her. She said she was never like that. So even if I got to cuddle with her and watch a movie that would be good. So I go for sex most of the time instead. I feel like I've been getting shut down all over the place. But it's not like we aren't having sex at all. It's just every 2-3 weeks its not enough when you couple that with the lack of affection I get in between. We still hang out, laugh, talk about how excited we are for our trip and all the other good stuff. This doesn't help with the fact I immediately suspect it has something to do with my penis.

[Cece.dedesl]

People show affection differently. She seems to be able to communicate her enthusiasm for you vocally but I can see where the lack physical intimacy in and out of the bedroom would be make someone's insecurities rise.

Irma said in her last post that she just started birth control. That can really mess with a woman's hormones. I had to try 4 different types of pills before I found one that didn't make me feel wacky.

If it helps at all... Given her enthusiasm verbally it seems like she's really into you. Maybe she's not a naturally physically affectionate person.

The only thing that's going to really help here is if you can get her to openly communicate with you. Just be careful not to put her on the defensive.

[Perseverance]

I've brought it up a few times in the past month or two. She said shes tired of having "a problem, or a talk" every time we end our weekend. She said she wants it to go back the way it was. Which I agree. I bring it up. Mostly because its just not happening. She told me a while back that shes going to try harder because she acknowledged there was a drop off. Just seems like now there isn't much change.

This is what really set me off. You know we were having lots of sex and then once is dropped off big time my mind started blaming myself.

Birth control could be the problem but I just can't see myself bringing it up again. No doubt we will have sex sometime soon but I'm definitely tired of the one initiating it.

[Perseverance]

BTW. I think I've said this before bit I feel extremely confident that if the sex went back to the rate it was at before. At least once a week. That I wasn't the only one initiating it all the time. Maybe once and a while I was told the sex was great. That she went down on me so I felt like she really enjoyed my penis. I wouldn't be on this board anymore.

She stated before she never had to deal with this problem before which is great so now I assume I'm the smallest shes ever been with.

Can't tell you how many times I purposely take a shower last because I hope shes laying on the bed naked waiting for me. Or that I hope ill get a random blowjob outta no where.

There's things that will make me feel sooo much better. But it really kills it if I have to ask. If it happened naturally I'd no longer need to be here.

"Babe you never buy me flowers"

The very next day the knucklehead shows up with flowers.

Not really meaningful

[Cece.dedesl]

I get frustrated when my partner seems indifferent when it comes to sex and 99% of the time I have to initiate it as well.

A while back, our therapist had us take sex completely off the table. We weren't to talk about sex or have sex. We had to get close to each other emotionally not physically during that time.

It really helped us to take the stress out of our sex life. He was more attentive because he didn't feel the pressure to perform sexually. I stopped feeling that desperation that if we weren't having sex there was something wrong with me or our relationship.

It helped to remind us that our relationship wasn't built on sex, that sex was a byproduct of the love and intimacy we shared. We had lost track of that along the way.

He still doesn't initiate it as often as I would like but he's more responsive when I do. I've changed the way initiate as well. I'm more subtle and less aggressive. He prefers morning sex so I take advantage of this when I can.

He has learned the highest peak in my libido is during ovulation so he makes sure to meet my needs during that time frame.

Funny thing is, I hated it when my ex pressured me for sex then, I turned around and did the same thing to my current boyfriend out of my own insecurities. Once our therapist pointed that out, it was really easy to change. Lol

[Perseverance]

Yea I'm not sure if I could do that. What's left? I can't even get close with her if we are laying in bed watching a movie. I'm going to have to bite the bullet this weekend and not even bring it up or hint at it once. Maybe she needs to know we can have a good weekend together without it happening. It's all guesswork right now cause I'm not going to date bring it up again so soon. I really have no idea what's going on in her mind.

I feel like we act like we are an old couple now. We are in our twenties. We should be messing around. We don't have a house yet she lives at home, I rent. We don't have THAT many responsibilities. Wish we could take advantage of having minimal stress in our lives. It's not like we don't have time.

How many times she comes over. We go out. See freinds. See a movie. Grab some drinks. Then come home put on a movie and she passes out. Then wake up in the morning and leave and expect me to be ok with that.

If I knew she wanted something from me that made her happy I would do it.

Why does this have to be so difficult?

Ill be going over there tonight to see her. She told me she misses me and so do I. Maybe we'll go out for coffee or something. I really can't wait to wrap my arms around her when I see her. I look forward to that all week.

[Perseverance]

Was super positive last weekend. Even though we had the perfect opportunity to have sex I didn't press the issue. She wanted a good weekend without having to talk about anything. So assuming I got rejected I'd prob be upset and we'd end up talking about it like we always do.

So I kept my promise. We had a good weekend without any sexual conflict.

Now I'm going on week three since we last got intimate and I know Friday and Saturday are busy days I have a feeling I might end up going a month without sex.

So upsetting since I feel like I can't bring it up. I'm expected to just wait until she comes around? I know having those talks got to her. So maybe she doesn't feel as comfortable.

Hopefully by me showing her I can go a weekend without wanting sex will show her the relationship is more than sex. Which I agree it is. But at the same time I'm dying to be intimate with her.

Then I start doubting myself. Does she even enjoy sex. (Even though she says she does) is it the size of my dick? (Which I have no idea how she feels about it)

Today has been a stressful day so I'm not doing well in general.

Work, bills, responsibilities and as man I need my release with the one I love.

[Cece.dedesl]

I think you did the right thing not pressuring her. I certainly understand your frustrations and insecurities. I go thru the same feelings in my relationship.

It's hard to be in relationship when libidos don't match up. I can tell you, all relationships go through fluctuations in the bedroom. Sometimes you just have to ride it out when your partner is worth the effort.

[Jessie]

forgive my indelicacy but your right hand could come to your aid here....

ps Did I recall you saying that she always had regular sex with her exes? or am I confusing you with another poster?

[Perseverance]

I really have no clue what she did with her exes. All I know is at one point she felt neglected. Her last BF never really touched her.

I'm not even sure if its libidos not matching up. The first 5 months of sex was great. But then it died down. I dunno if it wore off for her or not... It certainly did not for me. I really don't know what it is just yet. But if I go into this weekend and end it without sex I would prob consider it being a little unnormal. 4 weeks? She'll be getting her period soon so that turns into 5 weeks.

Nothing is strange in this relationship otherwise. I get no indication whatsoever that something might be wrong other than maybe she hasn't gotten over our talk yet.

[Jessie]

Oh ok- well hang in there..... Keep it light... See how it goes...

[Perseverance]

Yea I'm trying. I'm even masturbating less now. I kinda of feel like I'm shutting down. I see no reason why we can't have sex. We have perfect opportunities and she doesn't even seem to give it a thought.

This is the kind if things that piss me off. My birthday we get a hotel room. We have dinner plans and were meeting up with friends. Time was a little short but we knew the only time to do anything was as soon as we got there. Nothing. So no sex even on my birthday.

I'm not going to feel better until we get into a better routine because even if we do manage to be intimate this weekend I'm left wondering so what is it another 3 weeks?

[Bundy]

maybe she just isn't a sexual person? I don't know much about relationships, but isn't it usual that sex slows down during these things?

[Perseverance]

That's the thing what we have done in bed indicates she is sexual. It's not like the sex we are having is basic. We've ventured into some different waters together. I don't think it's usual to go a month without sex in a relationship in your twenties. I don't think it's normal personally. I get the vibe she could live with sex once every two months at this point.

Our weekend is shaping up to be set up for no sex this weekend. I'm very very unhappy about that. We are doing a day trip tomorrow. Then it's staying at her house. Sunday is Easter so that's at her house too. My hope is Saturday she wanted to come over my house. And I have received no indication she wants to do that.

So scared to bring up sex anymore with her since the last two times resulted in her not being in the mood and me getting upset about it. Usually because it has already been two weeks. That turns into a conversation and she gets upset they we "always have to talk" we can't jut have a good weekend and go with the flow like we used to.

[Perseverance]

Right before the first time we had sex she told me how bad she wanted to fuck me. I never hear that anymore. So upsetting. Ya wonder why I signed up on this forum?

[Bundy]

hm, that's rough, I'm sorry this is so unbearable to you.

Doesn't this sound like a communcation problem? Obviously, you have sexual desires that you feel like are being denied, seems like something that can only be talked about, since from reading your stories it doesn't sound like she's going to come around by herself, but at the same time, these kind of talks seem to upset her. Maybe the only way is to still try to find a way to talk about this, even with the chance of conflict appearing?

Either that, or you'll grow resentful and suspicious towards her, which I'm sure isn't how you want to feel towards a loved one?

[Cece.dedesl]

It's hard P, (no pun intended) but if she's having problems with her libido I can guarantee she is beating herself up over it just like you do when you're insecure.

There isn't any real help out there for women who suddenly lose their sex drive. There's no magic pill. I begged my Dr for help when I lost mine for awhile. I was actually in tears. There was simply nothing he could do.

I had to wait til my hormones got back to normal. If the pharmaceutical world could ever come up with something to help women. That break through would be worth billions!

[Perseverance]

The communication is what created the problem. At first I felt resented. She fully acknowledged at first she needed to improve. Ok fine. But I didn't see it so out came my penis insecurity which I poured on top of her. That made things worse. She said she needed time to feel comfortable again. I did my best to put it behind me meaning I stopped my emotions about my size. I did my part. We've had sex since then but it's just less and less. I brought it up when she had her period two weeks ago. I said well that doesn't mean we still can't mess around. She said she feels gross because she just got back from the gym so as she is about to leave I showed how annoyed I was. So that's when she said how she hates how we can't just have a weekend without having to talk about my feelings. Talking about it is the last thing I want to do at this point.

I want to feel wanted. We jut talked and i pointed out Saturday is up in the air and that I haven't been home lately. Like what really you don't want to come over.? No cause spending the entire weekend sleeping in separate beds is much better after 3 weeks of no sexual contact. Ugh

[Perseverance]

So annoying I have these feelings with no outlet. I can't be "all in" on what we are doing for the weekend with these feelings I can't release.

I really don't think I'm overreacting. I'm not demanding sex every other day. I'm not even at once a week. I understand if a weekend gets messed up but two weeks is where it starts to get to me. Makes it worse when she doesn't even seemed to be bothered with the prospect of going a month without sex.