Im trying to leave a friendship of 5 yrs

[Luna-]

And that just makes me want to reply to you! I hope you can see how strong you are.

[Confusedaily]

Yes I do. Thank u. Together we will push him out. And show him how weak he really is. It took years to get where I'm at. So time will heal me. With alot. Of work. I didn't hv a boyfriend during these 5 yrs. He never allowed ppl to get that close to me. Expecially men. I want that again. But not until I'm ready. I miss people. Conversation. Laughing. Crying with someone. Cooking cleaning. Doing it cuz I want to. Not cuz I'm programed to. Man this sucks. Where do I begin.? Crying wont fix anything. I as the lord for guidence. He hasn't answered me yet.

[Confusedaily]

Yes I do. Thank u. Together we will push him out. And show him how weak he really is. It took years to get where I'm at. So time will heal me. With alot. Of work. I didn't hv a boyfriend during these 5 yrs. He never allowed ppl to get that close to me. Expecially men. I want that again. But not until I'm ready. I miss people. Conversation. Laughing. Crying with someone. Cooking cleaning. Doing it cuz I want to. Not cuz I'm programed to. Man this sucks. Where do I begin.? Crying wont fix anything. I as the lord for guidence. He hasn't answered me yet.

[IrmaJean]

It's okay to cry when you hurt, cd. I'm sorry for your pain.

Maybe you begin healing by practicing healthy self-care. You already have a resilient and encouraging inner voice and that is wonderful.

Thank you for accepting my care. That always means a lot to me.

We're here to listen.

Take good care of yourself.

Edited April 21, 2013 by IrmaJean
grammar

[Confusedaily]

This weekend was bad for me. I thought about him constantly. Most of all what I was allowed to do and not allowed. I think I even asked permission to go to the bathroom. All the does and donts of being his friend. Its all I thought about. I couldn't even paint. I woke up this morning knowing he had court. I found out 1/2 hour ago. He will be reliesed. Lack of evadence. I guess I'm only witness. He has several on his side. That man is coming out. Wow. I pray I'm far enough away so hr can't find me. I'm yrying to focus on healing. Its hard. I want to see him. But then its crazy. This man hurt me. What the hell is wrong with me.. my emotions are everywhere. Its like I'm right back at square one. Its not fare. This man was born with no emotions. He steals them from me and I'm feeling guilty cuz I left. Everything is wrong with that. I can't let him back into my life. I'm scared once again.

[Luna-]

You will probably have setbacks like this on your journey to healing. Not every day will be good.

Are you in a different town now, from him? I'm sorry to hear he got released. I hope you will be safe.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you feel scared and upset, Cd.

I'm thinking of you and offering my care.

[Confusedaily]

I'm in same town. And I'm miles away. Last night I. Slept alone here in my home. No one was here or outside. My protection was gone. While eating this morning I got mad at myself then relized. So what if I see him. He can't hurt me if I don't allow him in. Right? I'm my own protection. Keep doors to my mind closed and he can't enter. I come to far. I'm going for a walk this morning to gather rocks. I'm starting to paint on them. Today will be a good day. :-)

[Confusedaily]

Today I was at the park collecting rocks. I heard my name. I froze. I knew that voice. Yes it was him. I turned around and he was standing few feet away. I said u look good and healthy.I waited he said nothing. He came cloaer. And stood over me. I said come sit. I kept telling myself. Keep ur doors closed. He's a lier and can't be trusted. He sat down next to me and reached out for a a hug. He said not cool. I said why are u here. I hv nothing for u. Do u know how hard it was to sit with him. After everything. He didnt even bring it up. He did say are u ready to come home. I told him I am home. We went back to my apt. Ya I showed him where I live. He would of found out if he didn't already know. I made us lunch. U tried speaking as little as possable. I didn't want to give. Him anything. After we ate I told him hr looked tired. He needed to go home and rest. He got up said he was then headed to my bedroom. I paniced. I said where are u going. That s.o.b. didn't even stop or look back. He sat down on my bed. I sat next to him and told him he can't sleep here. This is my room. My bed and its always off limits to u. I waited for him to say something.all he said was ok. He got up and left. He left the apt. I dont understand what that was about. He. Never once asked me abt putting him in jail. Nothing. What the hell? He hasnt. Been back. But I know he will. I'm scared. I'm mad. I'm confused. Sad. Feeling sick. I need advice. What do I do when he returns. I don't want go back. I wish I was stronger so I can fight him. Some one help me please!!!

[IrmaJean]

I'm here and listening. I'm sorry this is all so painful and confusing for you.

What do I do when he returns. I don't want go back. I wish I was stronger so I can fight him. Some one help me please!!!

You could tell him you don't want to go back. Maybe not allow him inside the apartment, call the police, get a restraining order? It's okay to take care of you.

[Confusedaily]

Its easier talking to him on the phone. He has called several times. His tone stays the same. Are u rwady to come come home. I tell him I am home. He's not allowed here. The police tell me not to open my door. And its not stalking and a fine line between harrasment. They can't do anything yet. I'm tired of police not helping. The courtsbelived him remember. Maybe I should go back. Or kill him. Man I don't know. I can't turn my phone off cuz then he will come. I'm going to sleep.tomorrow anorher day.

[Confusedaily]

Why isn't he mad? He doesn't want to talk about it. All he wants is me. He really is crazy. Its not normal. I mean I guess I should be thankful cuz he not punishing me. For what tho. He invaded on me. He took he stole my thoughts my life who I am. And he twisted it all up to fit his sick game. I became him. Our lord didn't make me so I can become someone else. I did the right thing. I don't. Care if he mad or not. He has to stay away. How do I make him understand. I'm not him. I don't want to be him. I wont give himthat power anymore. I'm someone. And my name is Donna. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

[malign]

Donna, this is very difficult for you, I can hear that. Is it possible that he's not able to show whether he's angry or not until after he has you back?

So, you asked what could you do differently, so I thought about going through the events you described. You said that when you were out looking for rocks, he came and talked to you. Would it have been possible not to talk to him, instead of saying he looked good? He came and stood over you, but rather than you moving away, you asked him to sit down with you. But you also said it was hard to sit with him. Did you have to sit with him, or could you have done something else? You then took him back to your apartment. You said he could find it whether you showed him or not, which is true, but is it possible that he might have felt encouraged that you let him come in? Could you have done something else, like saying goodbye to him outside? You made him lunch, but you said you didn't want to give him anything. Eventually he left, but not because you said he had to, or that he shouldn't come back.

I'm not describing things this way because I want you to feel bad. My ex-wife and I split and got back together again literally dozens of times, mostly because it was easier than taking a stand and saying what we meant. Luckily, that eventually happened. I just want to help you do something different, if that's what you want to do.

Can you tell him to leave you alone, and tell him nothing else until he does it?

[Luna-]

He must have a large hold over you, still?

[Confusedaily]

I've been away for a while. How can one time have me so messed up. Malign thank u. I'm not taking ur advice anyother way except right. I did everything wrong. Just how I've been programed. My god I didn't relize how bad. Until u pointed it out. That's why he said nothing. He was watching me. He knows ill go back. He knows I'm still his. NO WAY!!!! I WONT GO BACK. and I wont run anymore either. Ill fight him right here. And ill win. I will be free. Tonight I told him no he's not allowed in my life. I don't want to be his friend. I hung up and havnt answered any of his calls. I can't see him. I'm weak when I do. Now he's all I think of. I want to be free of him. I want to be selfish and only think of me. . Thank u all for your kind words.

[Confusedaily]

Luna, maybe now he does. But soon I pray he wont. I will break free from his hold. I made an appt today with a theropist. Its a start.

[IrmaJean]

Good for you! You can do this. You have a strong and resilient spirit. We stand by you.

[Luna-]

Luna, maybe now he does. But soon I pray he wont. I will break free from his hold. I made an appt today with a theropist. Its a start.

It's a great start. You need some help with this instead of having to do it all alone - and you deserve it.

[Confusedaily]

I had my phone off all day. He came by right after dinner. I stepped out cuz I didn't want him in my home. I told him again we arnt friends. And he needed to leave.I can't have him controling me anymore. I needed my life back. And there no room at all for him in it. All he said ws ok. And he left. This man is incapable of feeling. He doesn't feel remorse or pitty. He lacks compassion. He wilk tsre u apart with his words and not even thinking twice abt it. He truly doesn't care. A real narcissistic. Then u put his personalities 3 to be persice. And all he said was ok. He wants me to trip on it. Like I am. So I'm changing his game. I'm telling u all. So I don't need to trip. Befor id be calling him being mad abt it. I'm not. I got on my phone and came here. I'm done with these games. L have u ever open ur curtains in the morning and saw what a beautiful day it was going to be. The warmth of the sun on ur face. U stand there taking it all in. Its beautiful. It can give u energy to last all day. NOT HIM. he doesn't see it at all. Or feel it. He looks out his window and sees the neighbor leavingfor work. He quickly makes a situation like the neighbor hitting his kids bike while backing out. The wife now comes out and they start arguing. He takes that energy and devours it. Craving more. See he put that bike there the night befor. He's horrable. I'm not playing anymore. U do feel better now that I releasrd a lil anger. To him its all games. If I don't play. He can't rejuvinate. And he doesn't win. I do. I HAVE THE POWER NOT HIM. I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. Is it really that easy? Once I'm aware of his game. I do hold allthe power. By my choice to play or not. I choose not. And I feel good. Abt it. I'm not angry or confused. Really?? Is it this simple. I know where I need to be. And he can't come. Will all his games ve this simple. Or did I get lucky on this one. :-)no matter. I feel good abt my disission. I win this round.

[Luna-]

It does sound like you won - he left when you told him to.

[Confusedaily]

Why is it I feel so normal. Then 1 little triger and bam. I'm messed up in the head for rest of the day. I hate this.

[IrmaJean]

I hear you. I'm sorry you are struggling. You've lived for years under abusive conditions and you hurt from this. Is there anything that helps you to feel grounded when these emotions come over you? Would deep breathing or perhaps holding something help?

We are standing by you. We are here.

[Confusedaily]

He was at the store. Again I told him. We can't be friend. He seemed irritated today. I didn't want to make him more irritated or angry. I told him he's like a scorpion. No matter what they will sting. Its in their nature. And if we mess with tbem and get stung its our bad. He looked at me then said I never mean to hurt you. I said. I know. But u do. And if I go with u. U will again. I can't allow that. Its not ur fault u were born this way. I gave him a hug and said good bye. I walked away and came home. I hope he gets it. He needs understand were done.

[IrmaJean]

It's good that you are standing your ground with him.

Have you been painting? I have a daughter who draws too. She struggles with social anxiety and it is her way of expressing herself. I always cry when I look at her art. It's wonderful that you have this gift and you are able to shine your inner light this way. :-)

Wishing you peace today.

[Confusedaily]

Can someone pls tell me why I feel sorry for him. I keep thinking he's ill. He's right. Its really not his fault. He can't help it. So I know what he is. And capeble of. Isn't it my fault if he hurts me. But back then I dudnt know. And really it still isn't his fault cuz he sick. Right? I stay away now cuz his sickness has poured onto me. And its ugly. My choice to stay away. Is it really his fault? If honestly he doesn't feel compation. How to know right and wrong. Right? I hate this. I neef to focus on me not him. Ahhhh!