Survived suicide?

[Bundy]

A few days ago I completely lost it, and after tearing half my hair out and having a complete nervous breakdown, I just raided my medicine cabinet and took some pain killers, aspirin and some kind of medicine for stomach cramps, but it didn't really work and ended up with me vomiting violently blood for a while after I woke up.

I just feel so fucking stupid, I couldn't even do this right.

I'm thinking about trying in a dew days again, because life has really become completely pointless for me, because there really isn't a thing I can enjoy anymore, my bitterness really kinda grew that much that I don't feel like doing anything, I'm pretty much just tired and angry all the time, and have sick, intrusive thoughts all the time, some about me just murdering violently people who wronged my in the past and just in general complete dementia like looking out the window during a train ride and imagining everything on fire, I do this almost daily now.

It's just this complete shitfest of sick thoughts, not feeling understood, feeling down and utterly hopeless all the time, just being tired of being this angry and awful person.

Could I qualify for being admitted to a insane asylum? Maybe just try living out the rest of my life there? Does anyone have experience with this?

[Luna-]

Hello Death and welcome to the forum.

No-one deserves to have to live with feeling so bad. Have you thought of seeing a professional about this, either a psychologist or a doctor (or both)? It can really help to talk to someone and a suicide attempt is something to be taken seriously, they will want to help you. Your anger may be a symptom of something they can diagnose. Even if not, it can help to talk about it and be taken seriously.

I have been in psychiatric hospitals many times and have tried to kill myself twice. You can be helped, don't give up. Get some help for yourself....

[Luna-]

Sorry, I see you are not new to the forum...

[Bundy]

Thanks Luna, but I'm not a new member, just changed my name here because I actually thought I would die three days ago.

I don't really know if a psychatrist would be any help, because I pretty much know why I am who I am, there really isn't some cause that could be analyzed or something.

I'm from a nation that was war-torn just 20 years ago, it started around the same time when I was born. Several ethnic groups were involved, which led to tensions building up, which made growing up really painful, because I've often got brutally beaten just for existing, the negativity of this war was also noticable in our home, my parents would pretty much discuss these things all the time, which led to me having an extremely pessimistic world view. I already started reading up on this like genocide, racism, homophobia with 10/11 years and it really influenced how I see life, that is, as a complete cruel and horrible thing that is just meant to be suffered through. I also have an embarassingly small penis, which earned me a lot of ridicule and humilation, just overall 21 years of awfulness, just being somebody I absolutely don't want to be, and I don't really think I can be happy as long as I am who I am. I absolutely curse my very existence.

Maybe I could try to find remedy for some of these things, but with being who I am, I wonder what is even point, trying go fix me would be like trying to fix a serial killer or just another completely broken and unrepairable vessel.

That's why I'm thinking about some kind of institution, just somewhere were I can wait out the remainder of my life, just being away from everyday people, because I think I'm unable to life in a society that I hate with every inch of my body.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly.

I would recommend reaching out for help professionally as well. Please go to a hospital if you don't feel safe. There are people out there who care. Even though it may be hard for you to see right now, there is hope. We are here if it helps to express yourself.

[Luna-]

I still think there is help available. I can see how your growing up experiences have shaped how you see the world, but it doesn't have to be that way. It's not like that everywhere. There are beautiful things in life, even for those of us who have been broken.

[malign]

What if the professional isn't there to tell you why? {And what if you now had to change your name to 'Life', 'cause you're still here? ;-) I'm not telling you that you have to, just thinking out loud.}

What if the professional is there to brainstorm with you different ways of handling what happened?

I would agree that it would be difficult to live in a society you hate. That would still leave (at least) two things that could change, the society you keep, or the hatred.

In my experience, a remarkably few things are forever, or even for a lifetime. Change is continuous.

[Bundy]

What if the professional isn't there to tell you why? {And what if you now had to change your name to 'Life', 'cause you're still here? ;-) I'm not telling you that you have to, just thinking out loud.}

What if the professional is there to brainstorm with you different ways of handling what happened?

I would agree that it would be difficult to live in a society you hate. That would still leave (at least) two things that could change, the society you keep, or the hatred.

In my experience, a remarkably few things are forever, or even for a lifetime. Change is continuous.

I never really thought about this way, I assumed the reason to visit a psychologist would be mainly to talk and find the root of ones problem, not someone who is supposed to give you life advice.

How do you change the the society of people you keep? Most of the time in real life, you are stuck with people for various reason, be it family members that you don't like but are forced to see, or be it people at work you can't stand, we don't really have much choice about the company we keep?

If most people that you are surrounded with annoy you, there isn't really much that you can do, short of moving out of the country, which I can't afford/wouldn't even know how, I'm sure if I was a doctor or some kind of academic, it would be easier, but because of my shit life I was never really able to concentrate on doing positive in school, which closed all doors for attaining a meaningfull job, right now I'm just some worthless loser clerk, I don't even matter.

And I tried not being a hateful as I am, effectively trying a more "who cares" kind of lifestyle, but the urge to stab myself still comes up when I rad something incredibly stupid on in the papers/online, which is pretty much every day. The only thing that I've felt when trying to be more positive, was that I'm basically just lying to myself, in some way, it felt like patronizing myself.

[malign]

No, not "life advice"; most of the thinking obviously has to come from you, because it's your life.

What they bring is a different perspective on the same experiences ...

Here's a question that occurs to me: why, when you read something someone has written, do you feel like stabbing yourself? Why stab anyone; wouldn't it be enough to say "Dang, that's stupid" and keep on going? Why does it have to be personal?

And much as I might like to help, I'm not a therapist and can't be that for anyone, so the question might be meaningless, or hurtful, or even damaging. That's why you'd need someone who knows what they're doing ...

[Bundy]

thanks malign

I guess I'll go to see a psychologist eventually, it seems like the only option so far, as much as I want to argue against it, but I still can't shake that feeling off that I'll probably end up lying to myself. In my mind, I'm 100% convinced that I'm an completely worthless loser. I have such an antagonistic mindset, everytime somebody offers me the perspective akin to "looks don't matter", "it's not how much you make", or "size doesn't matter" that I immediately dimiss it as PC bullshit with assuming the other person is just as big a loser as I am, that's why he/she is patronizing themselves. Just another completely pessimistic world view that I believe won't change during therapy, I'm not even truly kind to people that had similar life experiences. Even I could fix myself and look at life positively, I wouldn't even deserve it.

About the stabbing thing, I genuinely don't know, I just have a really hard time stomaching stuff like that; every time I'm confronted with creationism, the westboro church, PeTA or anyting else I hate ridiculously much I just want to crack my head open like a walnut. I guess I just have zero tolerance for bullshit, maybe trying to fix that would make therapy worth something.

[IrmaJean]

Therapy can offer you a different way to look at things, it can challenge your thoughts, you can learn new coping methods, and hopefully be kinder to yourself.

I hope you find a good, supportive therapist who can help you.

We're here too if extra support helps along the way.

Take care and be safe.

[malign]

You're welcome, for what little _I_'m doing. ;-)

It's an interesting question: is there only one "truth"? I mean, if not, then there's a slight chance that instead of lying to you and themselves, (at least some of) those people might just be telling you their truth ... You're not required to agree. Certainly, don't agree if you think you'd be lying to yourself; that kind of dishonesty never works in the long run (and there's some doubt that any dishonesty works, in the truly long run ...)

So, for instance, I'm sure that there are people for whom, say, looks do matter. I just don't see any reason to share that view myself, to accept their truth. If they want to associate only with the pretty, I figure it's their loss. So, in a way, the question really becomes how you define "loser", though it will again come down to a question of whose truth wins (if any truth could be said to do that), and how it does it. Majority rule? Do the "powerful" decide, and if so, who defines what power is?

It would be something to work on, why you react with anger at yourself when confronted by things you "hate". Maybe that strong feeling that you're calling "hate" isn't just hate (because one would assume you wouldn't have any anger at yourself for other people being hateful.) Of course, I'm not advocating reacting violently towards them either, but I'm not worried, just avoiding that likely sidetrack to the conversation.

See, there are all sorts of things to talk and think about, not that I'm saying you haven't, but that maybe you'll be able to relax enough to truly hear the thoughts of others, in a sufficiently safe environment like therapy. {And I just realized that I'm risking writing something that'll piss you off ... I hope it doesn't work that way, or that at least you'd be able to tell me about it instead of taking it out on yourself.}

[CantGiveItAway]

Would trying to find a bit of an outlet for some thoughts, help in someway. Just for alittle release, so there not always swimming in your head. Like drawing or painting certain things. You would get better at it, and overtime you might surprise yourself and create things that give you some really fulfilling moments... Or writing some violently short stories. It might develop into something to look forward to day to day, seeing what you come up with.

I see someone whos in great pain, and have had to deal with alot of senseless acts. And not someone whos worthless or broken beyond repair. It may all seem pointless right this second. I hope you get alittle relief being here, and knowing that youre not alone.

[Luna-]

I think CGIA has a really good point. We may not be able to fix Life or make it less unfair and brutal but there can be little pockets of good times and if you can find a few of those, it can give you a break from the rough stuff. It might help things be more bearable?

[Bundy]

thanks malign, Irma, CantGiveItAway and Luna for the kind words, they actually did make me feel a little better, guess I'm not entirely a cynical asshat yet.

It's an interesting question: is there only one "truth"? I mean, if not, then there's a slight chance that instead of lying to you and themselves, (at least some of) those people might just be telling you their truth ... You're not required to agree. Certainly, don't agree if you think you'd be lying to yourself; that kind of dishonesty never works in the long run (and there's some doubt that any dishonesty works, in the truly long run ...)

But when believing in things like 'size doesn't matter' and 'it's not how much you make' is absolutely impossible for me, how am I supposed to be alright? It seems like someone like me, who has this very negative and sour outlook on life and people, has to be okay with these things in some way, and I just can't see myself changing opinions on this because of how dead-set I am in my world view. My mind just tells me when I read stuff like this that it's just sugarcoating reality, and that no matter how much I learn to accept myself, I'll still be a worthless loser.

So, for instance, I'm sure that there are people for whom, say, looks do matter. I just don't see any reason to share that view myself, to accept their truth. If they want to associate only with the pretty, I figure it's their loss. So, in a way, the question really becomes how you define "loser", though it will again come down to a question of whose truth wins (if any truth could be said to do that), and how it does it. Majority rule? Do the "powerful" decide, and if so, who defines what power is?

Of course, we could get philosophical over this, but when I talk about these kind of things It's really just about my wish of being an average dude, thus I can't see the world in different layers.

There is only one world, one reality. Well, several when we're talking about the concepts of meta-universes, but that's besides the point. Sure, I can create my own truth and set of believes and morals, but again, the term loser is clearly defined;

1.

a. One that fails to win: the losers of the game.

b. One who takes loss in a specified way: a graceful loser; a poor loser.

2.

a. One that fails consistently, especially a person with bad luck or poor skills: "losers at home seeking wealth and glory in undeveloped countries" (Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.)

b. One that is bad in quality: That book is a real loser.

If my depression and miserable life stem over the fact that I want to be recognized by society, then no amount of alternative thinking will do the job. The reality of the world is, that other peoples opinion are indeed important. They define what kind of job I can get and how well respected I'm in society, not me thinking I'm the best thing since sliced bread...

I just detest being an outsider and figure of joke too much for this kind of thinking to have an effect on me. I don't even want to be some rich guy with his own harem and an amazing job, just somebody who isn't the butt of the joke everytime would be enough for me.

What it boils down to is, I don't believe in different truths. There are different ideals based on sociocultural factors, but what's undesirable is clearly defined for most people, that is lack of use and poor performance. It's not their truth, it's the majorities, who I desperatly want to belong to.

It would be something to work on, why you react with anger at yourself when confronted by things you "hate". Maybe that strong feeling that you're calling "hate" isn't just hate (because one would assume you wouldn't have any anger at yourself for other people being hateful.) Of course, I'm not advocating reacting violently towards them either, but I'm not worried, just avoiding that likely sidetrack to the conversation.

Well, it's not only on myself, if I wasn't such a coward who wishes to stay out of the spotlight I would direct my anger towards other people. This isn't even hyperbole, I'm already so sick and fucked up in the heas that I could easily kill dozens of, let's say, KKK members with my bare hands, that's how spiteful I am.

See, there are all sorts of things to talk and think about, not that I'm saying you haven't, but that maybe you'll be able to relax enough to truly hear the thoughts of others, in a sufficiently safe environment like therapy. {And I just realized that I'm risking writing something that'll piss you off ... I hope it doesn't work that way, or that at least you'd be able to tell me about it instead of taking it out on yourself.}

Nah, I'm not mad at all, ever since some days ago I've really bee in an emotionally unresponsive the last few days, just drifting by really.

And I hear you, even if I don't believe that therapy will necessarily help me, it's at least worth a shot.

I mean, if massive psychotic hatred towards everyone and myself isn't therapy-worthy, what is really?

also, just a good quote who fits into the topic:

“Man was born for society. However little He may be attached to the World, He never can wholly forget it, or bear to be wholly forgotten by it. Disgusted at the guilt or absurdity of Mankind, the Misanthrope flies from it: He resolves to become an Hermit, and buries himself in the Cavern of some gloomy Rock. While Hate inflames his bosom, possibly He may feel contented with his situation: But when his passions begin to cool; when Time has mellowed his sorrows, and healed those wounds which He bore with him to his solitude, think you that Content becomes his Companion? Ah! no, Rosario. No longer sustained by the violence of his passions, He feels all the monotony of his way of living, and his heart becomes the prey of Ennui and weariness. He looks round, and finds himself alone in the Universe: The love of society revives in his bosom, and He pants to return to that world which He has abandoned. Nature loses all her charms in his eyes: No one is near him to point out her beauties, or share in his admiration of her excellence and variety. Propped upon the fragment of some Rock, He gazes upon the tumbling waterfall with a vacant eye, He views without emotion the glory of the setting Sun. Slowly He returns to his Cell at Evening, for no one there is anxious for his arrival; He has no comfort in his solitary unsavoury meal: He throws himself upon his couch of Moss despondent and dissatisfied, and wakes only to pass a day as joyless, as monotonous as the former.”

― Matthew Gregory Lewis, The Monk

[IrmaJean]

Some part of depression often seems to involve thinking in absolutes. Is it possible to open the door to challenging what may seem impossible to you right now?

While the opinions of others may have some bearing on your life, others' opinions don't define you. How can you give some power back to yourself?

Do you have any friends and family nearby who will listen and offer you support?

The quote is both powerful and sad. I have always found nature to be very therapeutic and healing, and even when I'm alone. I feel a connection with all things living and that feels soothing. Can you think of something that soothes you?

I hope it helps to express yourself here.

[Bundy]

Some part of depression often seems to involve thinking in absolutes. Is it possible to open the door to challenging what may seem impossible to you right now?

I don't think it is.

While the opinions of others may have some bearing on your life, others' opinions don't define you. How can you give some power back to yourself?

I hate to be like this, but I completely disagree. The way how I think about myself is just that, my own opinion on me, but that's not what's important for having a half-decent job and somewhat acceptable social status (read; not being a friggin' joke)

Do you have any friends and family nearby who will listen and offer you support?

My parents, but I don't like talking about with them about anything, since they are homophobic nationalists and the kind of person who thinks depression and related matters are just people of today being pussies. I mean, they treated me always good, but talking with them really isn't possible, I almost have nothing in common with them.

I used to have friends, but the last two-three years I've been constantly alone, pretty much. They are alright guys, but not really the kind of people that allow deep and meaningful discussions, they are more your average young males who go to clubs dancing, having one night stands, watching sports, that kind of stuff, a world I don't belong in...

The quote is both powerful and sad. I have always found nature to be very therapeutic and healing, and even when I'm alone. I feel a connection with all things living and that feels soothing. Can you think of something that soothes you?

I used to love animals with all my heart, but that kind of faded with me becoming more jaded every day. I'm still fascinated by nature, but only out of intellectual curiosity.

Well, I read a lot, watch a lot of movies and series, but nothing that really soothes me.

[IrmaJean]

It's okay to disagree. It's good to be honest about your feelings. I hear what you're saying about social status and employment. Confidence and belief in yourself might help, though, don't you think?

I love animals as well. We have a dog now, but I also love cats. Maybe it does show a gentler side of you that perhaps is still a part of you. Many people find such traits attractive.

It must be difficult not having anyone you feel you can confide in. Maybe a therapist can help?

[Victimorthecrime]

The quote from Matthew Gregory Lewis has me thinking that what our education system has largely accomplished is allowing us to become adroit sophisticated connoisseurs in contemplating our own misery. This is just my opinion and I respect other points if view.

Death I humbly offer to you some things that have worked a bit for me and that is getting out of my head & getting involved in the world. Get out there and "get your uniform dirty". Fail. Get your ass kicked by life, don't be afraid to feel, forgo concepts for actual experience. I wish you well

[Luna-]

If you don't mind me saying so, Death, and I hope you don't mind as it is said with caring, the 'you' that you are describing is but a hard outer shell. Yours may be a particularly hard and tough one. We obviously need some form of shell to survive in a tough world or we get too easily hurt and you have needed your particularly hard one. But inside is still a soft human being who cares. It is that inside that can be accessed and grown during therapy. You have this, even though I suspect you think you have become that outer shell, that your thoughts are who you are, that "loser" is who you are. After all the hurt you guard that inside part fiercely and with good justification.. But that is not the essence of you.

We're speaking to that essence. It's here.

I could have this completely wrong. Feel free to argue. We're not going anywhere.

[Luna-]

You popped into my head today, Death. How are you doing?

[Bundy]

You popped into my head today, Death. How are you doing?

I guess I'm alright, was pretty much just on auto-pilot these last days.

Looked up some psychiatrists, because the recurring dreams lately have been very worrying.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you've been having nightmares. Is this new for you? It's good that you are looking into getting help for yourself.

I hope today is serene for you, D.

[Bundy]

I swear, every moment of life is just pain and misery.

I just want this world to go up in flames, I'm constantly daydreaming about meteors, massive solar flares, gamma-ray bursts, everything that can take my out of this living hell. And if I'm not doing that, I dream about doing it myself.

Why can't I just fucking die, there is literally not a single good thing about my life, not one.

not one

[Victimorthecrime]

My depression is that life is nothing but work & being lonely. What has you unhappy Death? (if you care to share)