A Pedophile Coming out For Help

[Ridden]

Hi, I recently discovered your website after bowseing google about my problem, and before I start explaining I just want you to know my grammer isnt exactly top shape, so please excuse any mistakes I make with my writing.

All right here we go, this might be kinda long.. But I need to explain everything, I've had it rough.

Im 19(about to be 20) years old and have been keeping this problem secret from anyone, until now. I have battling intensely with pedophile thoughts and fantasies for I dont know how long, and I needed to get it out once and for all to people who would understand me. Just want to get it out that I have never been sexually abused.

(Beginning, Cousin, Onset)-

I discovered porn when I was 11-12 which ever. and it was pretty much just cinemax, cause I had no access to the internet. I discovered mastubation through rubbing myself with a pillow. After that, my hormones awakened and I found myself doing it twice to three times a week. well Anyway I have a cousin, when she like 6-7 and I was like 12, I didn't know what I was doing was wrong, but I found myself playing games with her that involved her wrapping her legs around me, I never truly touched her in a bad way, but I wouldnt know it was wrong since I was only 12 anyway. then I was like 14 and she was 9 I still didnt really know anything I was doing was wrong, no one informed me it was wrong, and I couldnt find out cause I didnt watch to much tv or have access to the internet. But, anyway still playing those same leg wrap around games and normal games. We then had got a swimming pool, and me and her used to swim together in it, still not knowing it was wrong, I found myself putting her on my lap, not forcefully, but through a game we were playing. It was the feeling of her sitting on me that made me keep doing things like this, it felt good to me then. I used to even try and peep on her in the bathroom, I know, I hate myself. I used to hang around a lot of kids only a few of them I tried sexual things with, just rubbing up againist me was as far as it went. I know, I still utterly hate myself.

(Discovering True Porn)-

We all know cinemax is staged and fake sex. Now then, my discovering on true porn began one another cousins(male) computer, as he had internet. When he would leave to certain places I would sneak up to his room and bowse porn sites and masturbating to them. I discovered all kinds of porn, Lesbian, gay, straight and hentai. I was caught one day and couldn't view it anymore. So back to my old fake porn, cinemax.

(Older, Acquiring intenet, and discovering what I believe caused my pedophila)-

I was 16, my brother moved out and the internet was left for me. I started immediately viewing porn and masurbating to it, only adult porn. It wasn't till I was 17 when I found what I believe possible might be why I am here today, Lolicon. If do not know what it is, it is animated characters depicted as looking like "little girls". I found this through hentai sites and stumbling apon it, I wish I had NEVER found this, If I could go back and stop myself I would in a instant, but the past is the past. Anyway, I started masturbating throught this lolicon stuff and it became more and more intense than regular porn, some of them were and weren't little girls. I didnt think anything of it then, I just kept going and going with it, not knowing the mentality I was getting into.

(Worsening, my niece)-

I got to a point were my pathetic mind wanted something more. I NEVER let take me into the true depth of CP, But it took me as far as looking at nudist websites and child models. I viewed the nudist only a view times and had a HUGE wave of guilt hit me, the same happening to with the modeling, I kept feeling so guilty and I stopped, but had view the modeling quite a bit. I wanted to stop with the lolicon, but found myself falling back into it sometimes. I definitely stopped when I started to read up and found out the dangers of being a pedo, society hates you, and then prison is a possiblity. Next, was the most horrible fear of my life. I have a niece who is 4 right now, she such a sweetheart and I would never do ANYTHING to hurt her. But I had been having dreams, which felt like nightmares, about her, that involved kissing and touching, I woke up in a depression and angry at myself, so angry, I even hit myself. I dont want to ever have dream about that again, it makes me sick even thinking about it. But stupid feelings stay stuck with me. Sometimes, not every time, but sometimes, I get erections when shes in my lap, trying so desperatly hard to control it, and I succeed sometimes, but fail a lot of others. I feel so horrible and uncomfortable afterwards when I leave, and when I get home, I hit myself again, to points where I have brusies. I deserve them. I hate myself completely for this, I have fantasies about all kinds of littles girls I've seen and try so desperately hard not to, I dont want this and never have. Having her in my lap in certain postion requires me to move her, so I dont get aroused, but then I feel wet after I move her and then feel purely ashamed of myself. WHY?! WHY?! SHES MY NIECE AND I DONT WANT THESE DAMN F****** FEELINGS AROUND HER, I DONT WANT THEM WITH ANY CHILD! JUST LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK!!!!

(Job, interest in women my age or older)

I want all to know that even though I have this stupid feeling towards children, I still have great interest in women my age or even older. In fact, just last year I had gotten a job, and during my time there I met this awesome girl, we shared many interest and she was even older than me, but looked like she was 18-19, but was 23. I fell for her, and just being around her made me happy, she divorced her ex around the time I started falling for, although it was kinda unrequited, she did mention she would possibly date me if she didnt have so much on her shoulder. I want to clarify that she has a son. Now, girls are one thing, but boys, I dont really feel anything towards, so dont worry there. At last, I got hopes that maybe is a girl in this world that actually likes me, and might, just might, see me for my personality and not my horrid looks. Im a very nice guy and tend stay that way.

(Today, dream of becoming a father)

Im 19, just about to turn 20. and still have these damn stupid thoughts and fantasies. and have tried and wondered many ways I could rid it once and for all. First was a thought, maybe one day when I have sex(with an adult) this feeling will go away. Next, was beating myself up, trying to scare my mind into thinking, I'll hurt myself if i do this. And then theirs the girl I fell for, but not to sure if she would ever actually like me. Hopefully me falling in love with and having sex might make it all go away, pretty much same as the first.

I've dreamt of being of being a father since I was 13, I wanted to be the best dad ever, the kind that tucks you at night, reads or sings you to sleep, plays normal games, like on a console or maybe hide and seek, go fishing. Also, teach them certain things, like how to play guitar or throw a football, basketball, ect... And the kind that will always be there for them. If its a boy I wont worry much, because Im not really attracted to boys or littles boys. But if its a girl I would be so paranoid I wouldn't even want to hold her or have her in my lap, and if I do, I dont want an erection or thoughts, I'd rather die. One of my other worst fears is having my future wife noticing a erection if I'd slip in some way and happen to get one, and instantly divorcing me, I wouldn't blame her though. I just want to have a normal feeling relationship with the girl that truely accepts me one day, and looks past my horrid acne scarring. I have prayed and prayed for these feeling to go away, I believe in god and know he doesn't like what Im thinking or doing, and have to keep asking him to forgive me. I thought after I overcame severe acne, I could finally feel somewhat normal, but now I feel more of a monster than I ever was. I would give this up anyday rather than my scars.

I just want you to know, I love kids, would protect and die for them at any moment, but with this, how could you be known as any kind of protector? Its crazy, I know I would chase anyone who kidnapped my or anyone elses child, But sadly, the only difference between me and them is that they are acting on it, I haven't.

I just wish I knew the truth behind what caused this, im not pointing fingers, its my fault, but could have all those games and things I did with my cousin my have brought it out? Or maybe it was the lolicon? From what you've read, can you maybe tell me? As much as I'd like to see a theapist, I cant. There are too many things in my way, so Im relying on the help and understanding of you guys, and hopefully hittin' this outta the field myself. I believe I have strong self power and can overcome many thing, even this, But I just need a little guidence. If you help in anyway, I will be truely thankful.

[Musicman]

Hi, if you're on this site posting about these issues, I assume you've come across my thread.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It's not fun to live life as a pedophile. It's even less fun to live as one who doesn't offend, but has to deal with the shame of his thoughts and feelings. I'm truly empathetic to you because I know exactly what you're going through.

Let me just say that you've not done anything unforgivable. You did some iffy things when you were younger, but let's face it: you were a kid, yourself. You weren't much older than your cousin, and it's not like you ever actually touched her. Furthermore, you clearly didn't have a sexual education, and you were left to learn things on your own.

As far as thoughts about your niece are concerned, it's tricky. According to the strictest definition of the word, pedophilia only means that someone is sexually attracted to children. However, many pedophiles have emotional attractions to children that go far and beyond sex. The two thoughts are very contradictory. You may have a sexual interest in your young niece. However, that doesn't mean you'll do anything to act on those thoughts. Thoughts are not actions. You seem to understand that. There's no need to hate yourself or hurt yourself for attractions that you cannot control. Are you using your niece for purposes of arousal? No, you're clearly not. It's obvious you care about her, and you don't want to hurt her. If you feel you may harm her, stay away from her for both of your benefits. However, if you feel you can control yourself (and based on what you've said so far, I think you can), there's no reason to distance yourself, so long as you're careful and don't cross certain boundaries that should be setup.

It's hard not to think about why we're pedophiles, but try not to obsess over it. The fact is, we will likely never know for sure. Scientists still know remarkably very little about us. It's best not to think about the past, but instead, try and focus on making the future the best you can. It's possible to learn to accept your pedophilia and live a happy, law-abiding life. It just takes a lot of determination and support. I would like to offer you that support, if you'll allow that. Please, feel free to send me a PM or simply reply here. And stop hurting yourself. You'll just dig yourself into a deeper hole.

[newguy]

dude I am so sorry to hear that you are going though so much I though I had problems .. you are very brave coming out like that but you just need some professional help that's all its just a mental illness that I am sure can be treated

I wish you all the best of luck .. you are a lot more braver than me I would have been 6ft under years ago myself .. go get the help you need and you will soon be back on your feet

[infrared_radiation]

Don't know what to say really. Sex is not the be all and end all of life. If you can keep yourself busy, maybe some of the negative thoughts will go away of their own accord if you starve them of the time they need to fester and grow.

Isn't lolicon like... cartoons? I find it strange that anyone can be seriously sexually aroused by a cartoon.

[The Beholder]

My advice:

Stay away from places like this. It looks like you have enough problems as it is with blaming and beating up yourself over feelings which, I cannot stress enough, are natural and harmless. You don't need the added agony of coming to places like this to be blamed and beat up on. The posters here are going to assume that unless you feel compelled to sexually assault someone, then it's no big deal and you should stop worrying about it. Except musicman, who's going to try to convince you that you should have some magical feeling and obsession about children, and call you a monster if you don't.

There simply is no help out there for people like us. All I can do is tell you that you don't have to hate yourself. There are plenty of people willing to take care of that part for you.

[The Beholder]

Isn't lolicon like... cartoons? I find it strange that anyone can be seriously sexually aroused by a cartoon.

do you find it as strange that people can be seriously aroused by the written word? that seems like it would be much more strange.

both cause enough serious arousal that they are illegal in many places when they feature children. in canada, for example, the child pornography law prohibit any sexually explicit "depiction" of minors. even fictional minors. it's the ultimate in victimless crimes. it's like charging tom clancy with international terrorism just for writing about it.