Transference Vs. Feelings in the Here and Now

[Tsunami]

I hear your frustration, Tsunami. Life can certainly be challenging and overwhelming at times. It's hard and you hurt. Can you perhaps hold something of the person you are attached to (a photo or object perhaps) when they go away on vacation? Maybe that would help you to feel connected?

We will be talking about this over the next five weeks, so I know we will have some kind of plan:)

I hear you when you say the word itself feels invalidating. Your feelings all belong to you, they are all real, and it's good to acknowledge and respect them. Healing work can be a long and difficult road. Can you think of some ways to connect with and comfort yourself?

We're here to listen. I hope it helps to express your feelings.

Take care.

Thank you so much! I do have difficulty at time being grounded, and I know what helps sometimes, so I just need to do that. Thank you for being here, I really appreciate you!

[Tsunami]

Whew!!! so glad you are ok, Tsunami I was worried I'd triggered you!!

Please, I hope no one is worried about triggering me:) I don't want people to worry if my feelings have been hurt or if I have been triggered:) I have been in therapy quite awhile and have learned to own, accept, and deal with myself when I am hurt/triggered, although I do appreciate the concern. I don't want anyone to ever feel as if they have to take care of my emotions. Really, I have BPD/PTSD/MDD, etc., and I am at a point where I want to dispel the stigma of BPD (not that I have to do that here:) I guess, I just want to be me, and I feel that I have been:). You will see my self-hatred side, and probably my emotions all over the place, but it is something that happens just about everyday for me, so I can deal with it. That being said, I don't want to trigger/hurt anyone else, and hope that if this happens, that they will tell me:)

I have parts too. Today when I feel I hate myself, I take that as a waving flag that I really need to tune in and take care of myself. Sometimes that means getting help.

I hear you on this one. I am just starting to be able to notice when this is happening, and I try to be mindful and just accept what is happening and how I am feeling. I have made some progress, but as evidenced above, I still have work to do! I agree, that sometimes getting help is the only way that works.

In relating to others it can sometimes feel that we are the problem, that we are all wrong for the situation. Then there is no ground to stand on, and the mind goes on overdrive and won't stop with trying to hack away at ourselves to "make things right."

This makes SO much sense to me, Finding! I have trouble irl relating to others. Sometimes, I just don't 'get it'. Sometimes, I get it but don't know what to do about it. I am known as the silent one, lol, which is interesting to me. I have learned to say nothing because I don't know how to deal with social situations, so I cope by being quiet so I don't have to navigate any difficult situations. That being said, I do talk to some people, and so I still get into situations that I have difficulty navigating, and it is frustrating.

Taking a step back in those times can help. When I ask for help, it is usually so I can get help taking that step back and gaining some perspective. Then I can listen to the feelings, the thoughts, without being swallowed up by them. Being truly heard, by myself or with the help of others, allows me to get unstuck, and the feelings and thoughts shift.

I agree with you. Being heard helps a lot, and because of my background, being validated is really important. My T does this often, and it has made a huge difference.

Let us know if we can help during your therapist's vacation!

I would love help during that time, I think in five weeks now? He will be gone for four. I want to start a thread for that specifically, because abandonment issues are huge for me! Thank you so much for the offer! Take care of you!

[Tsunami]

Tsunami, you mentioned that the phrase "that's just ..." bothered you, earlier in the thread, which is why I used it as an example. I'm good, but I'm not clairvoyant. ;-)

I had forgotten that I wrote "that's just . . .". I have read it as an example of invalidation somewhere, and I thought you were pulling from your knowledge base. I hadn't yet gotten to clairvoyance as an explanation, but maybe that would have been the next one:)

I think it's valuable that you're willing to explore these validation issues by talking to others. You're going to get all kinds of opinions, simply because we're all different, and just sorting through your responses to those will help you to better interpret what you feel. It's not meant to change what you feel, just to give you the chance to decide what you want to do with what you feel.

Thank you, I hear what you are saying.

[Tsunami]

I have to admit upon rereading all of this, that I didn't understand why you, Finding, felt like you triggered me, I didn't remember posting my self-hatred in response to your post. Finding, I owe you an apology, and I will say that I have no memory of you triggering me at all, so that remains true. I don't remember posting in response to your post at all, and I guess I thought I did respond, but was clueless as to what I wrote.

I wanted to say that I want all opinions posted, and I do. I respect everyone, and appreciate all who have helped me. I feel horribly guilty because I think my response to you (Finding) was not okay.

I feel helpless because while I am not surprised that I posted my self-hatred part, I would never have done that in response to your post, or anyone else's. I know I was in the middle of a flashback. I know that it was in NO way Finding's fault or anyone else's. I am in shock seeing this. I am so sorry.

[malign]

You may be at risk of triggering yourself again, though, Tsu ... I think 'finding' is okay now. And especially if she misinterpreted your post, that would be her responsibility, which I'm sure she's capable of absorbing.

We all have tricky stuff to deal with, and it's only going to get harder if we start trying to deal with each other's stuff as well.

[LaLa]

I feel horribly guilty because I think my response to you (Finding) was not okay.

[...]

I feel helpless because while I am not surprised that I posted my self-hatred part, I would never have done that in response to your post, or anyone else's. I know I was in the middle of a flashback. I know that it was in NO way Finding's fault or anyone else's. I am in shock seeing this. I am so sorry.

I recognize some of my own similar past reactions here. I also used to be over-sensitive to my reactions to others and to misunderstandings. It's much better now, although sometimes it happens again, but only in very specific situations and moods (while it used to be very frequent).

I don't know what is "theoretically appropriate" to respond to it (I only know I like Mark's reaction very much ), but what I wanted when it happened to me was an honest reassurance that "it's OK, nothing bad happened" and that the other side understands and doesn't feel offended or hurt or anything. I can't speak in Finding's name, but as an "observer", I can say that it doesn't seem to me there would be a reason for you to feel guilty and sorry. I don't see anything "bad" in your posts, any reason for a guilt, ... You can believe me. I wouldn't write it if I didn't think so .

[finding my way]

No worries, everyone! I am safe and ok!

Thanks for this opportunity for us all to learn about such sensitive stuff, and how to take care. Be well tonight!

[Jeep]

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[IrmaJean]

Does it help to express more, Jeep? What feels confusing? Have you talked with your therapist about your feelings?

[malign]

I would just add ... Your feelings aren't unusual. Most people don't want their therapy to end. It will have provided them with considerable support to have someone to talk to, unconditionally. And the direct result of that is that maybe you should talk about these feelings with the therapist, whether you share them with us or not. There are no wrong feelings.

[Tsunami]

Have you talked to your therapist about this? Take care!

[Jeep]

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[finding my way]

Sounds like there are some good things to celebrate in this, Jeep

As time goes on, you might discover that some of these good things you get to take along with you because they are a part of you now.

[malign]

Thank you for not deleting, Jeep. I feel the same way about history, and here's the reason: seeing a genuine change over time in someone's attitudes offers hope to those reading who fear they're the only ones who can't change.

And yeah, therapy can be like a birth experience, and the affection that happens can be like what we feel for a benevolent parent, especially if that was missing in our lives before. But even if we had good parents ... usually, if we're still suffering from emotional issues as adults, we missed something when we were younger, that the therapist gives us a chance to re-discover (quite often it was inside us all along; just no one had ever showed it to us before.)

The feeling can be stronger, too ... There's all sorts of literature about it, and I would say that we still don't understand it completely. But it's still natural, and it doesn't have to be taken too literally, or become creepy. It's possible to love a person without having to be make more of it than that. And yeah, like 'finding' said, what you may have experienced could just be the awakening of your own ability to love ...

[Jeep]

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[Tsunami]

I hope you are doing well, Jeep!

[Jeep]

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[Tsunami]

Not at all, you haven't made a fool out of yourself! I know how you feel, though, I put my stuff out there and then I feel vulnerable. It is very difficult to not just move forward, I feel like it is one step forward, ten steps back. I do think that your therapist will help you with your transference feelings. Keep us posted! I have had a difficult time since T got back for some reason? I'm having some kind of distrust stuff going on and I hate it. I need to show myself compassion, but it makes me sick thinking about it. I am really glad to hear that you are doing better! Take care.

[Jeep]

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[Jeep]

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[finding my way]

Whoa, stop the bus, or the Jeep.... what happened?

True transference takes us to our most vulnerable places; that's why it needs to be handled well and respected.

I'm sorry you experienced this pain

[Tsunami]

Jeep-

What did your T say? I expect that you do feel vulnerable and hope you can go back and face your T. Keep posting.

[Jeep]

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[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are feeling distressed about this, Jeep.

I am totally torn up right now, I am trying to kill these feelings for her but they won't go, they keep coming back.

Your feelings can offer a lot of information about you. If you explore them with your therapist, this can be a transformative experience. Was she receptive and supportive about discussing your feelings? I hope so. You are having a very natural response that many of us (including myself) have experienced in therapy. I hope you can be gentle with yourself, Jeep.

Take care.

Edited July 5, 2013 by IrmaJean
two finger typist/early morning brain

[finding my way]

Jeep are you able to take one step back and observe what is going on for you? From the vantage point of observer self it is possible to witness what is going on for you and discover a new perspective, a new ability to listen to what these parts of you are experiencing. When we are caught up with the dynamic this perspective isn't there and we feel way out of control, but looking in on it with whatever compassion you can muster, it can make all kinds of sense even. Strong feelings are a part of being a human being. Human beings also form strong attachments. As we grow and get to know ourselves we can become more at choice for how we act in these circumstances and it won't be just one extreme or the other. Being able to hear what another is saying is a beautiful thing, whether it is the other person or parts of yourself...