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My life is a mess and I am on the verge of suicide, please advise...


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I am writing this post in hope that there is someone out there who can spare 10 minutes of their time and offer a comforting word.

For the past two months not a day went by without me thinking about suicide at least a few times a day (at least 5 I'd say). I wake up with tears in my eyes and fall asleep the same way. Most of the time, when in company of my husband/other people, I pretend, or at least try to pretend that I'm OK.

I will try to make my story short, emphasis on try because there are just so many things that went wrong..

When I was kid I was very smart, I learned how to read and write when I was only 3 years old, I was ALWAYS way smarter then other kids around me (my IQ is 145-150 on all tests I took as a kid, teenager and adolescent). At the same time I was a chubby girl so you can imagine that other kids had their reasons to pick on me. I was bullied before I even started school (it started at the age of 5- as soon as I started socializing). Other kids used to tease me, kick me around, beat me up, laugh at me, spit me and what not.. Sometimes I would complain to my Mom and Dad, but my Dad used to freak out about that, lose his temper and then go out and yell at other kids or other kids' parents. That was humiliating so I tried to keep everything to myself as much as I could. One day, when I was 11, one of the kids started to tease me and push me around and I kind of got sick of it and pushed her back. That was the moment I realized that I was strong enough to defend myself. All the teasing and beating up kind of started to decrease over time, as I grew. By the time I started high school it stopped completely.

Then in high school I went from being straight A+ student to fail at least one subject per semester, I didn't want to even touch any of the books, I was very rebellious, I used to argue with my professors all the time. I started stealing money from my parents, grandparents and even friends from class (of course I kept that for myself, didn't talk to anyone about it). I started going out, running away from home sometimes at night to go to a party and stuff like that.

When I was in third grade in high school (18 yrs old) a guy I had a crush on since I was 12 did/tried doing something horrible to me. We've never had anything going on relationship wise, we would always just say hi to each other and that was it. Well, one evening, he showed up in front of my school and asked me if he could give me a lift home. I accepted. That turned out to be a disaster because he took me miles away from my house, pulled his pants down and asked me to perform oral sex on him! I begged him to leave me alone but he wouldn't, he was trying to pull my head towards his "thing" and make me do it and when I started screaming as loud as I could he gave up and let me go because he was afraid that someone might hear! I never said this to anyone, but what happened that night is fairly often in the back of my mind, I can't let it go. After that I started dating a guy from my school I really liked and he was awesome to me but as I used to sneak out of the house and go out, my parents found out about that and came after me. When my Dad found us (we weren't doing anything, just sitting on the grass in the park, looking at the sky and counting stars), he freaked out! He first turned to me and punched me so hard that I've fainted for about 5 seconds and then he beat up my boyfriend very badly and took me home, told me not to get out of my room and that he didn't want to see me ever again. I stayed in room for 6 days, my Mum would bring me food/water and I used to get out of room and walk around the house for about 15 minutes a day when Dad was at work. On 7th day I couldn't hold it anymore (I was only 18, remember) and took a razor and cut my arm a few times. My Dad saw it and after that let me go out again.

But my boyfriend broke up with me cause he was afraid of my Dad.

After that I ended up in a very abusive relationship. The guy used to hit me as soon as I'd say something he didn't like, and as the time passed by I went from being passive and letting him punch me and beat me to being really aggressive and hitting him back. My Mum used to ask about my bruises, but I was hiding the truth from her, until one day (it took 8 months of beating for me to tell my Mum what was going on) I burst out in tears and told her everything. She made me break up with the guy, she called his mother up and threaten with the law suit if her son ever lays his eyes on me again. So that's how that ugly story ended.

I forgot to mention, when I was kid I was very hyperactive, at least my parents say so, and they would both beat me with a belt from time to time or slap my face and I remember that I was constantly just crying all the time and that I was extremely afraid of doing anything really.

When I started my studies at university I couldn't keep my friends, I was aggressive in the sense that I would constantly argue with people, I had no respect to anyone and no respect to myself as well. I started dating a lot of guys which resulted in many failed relationships. I was a good student and all my professors loved me but I felt like a failure all the time. I graduated and started working as a teacher, my students adored me and I loved them back so I did have some happy moments in my life. Of course, not everything was that black, I did have fun and did meet some good people that I could trust and share my emotions with.

My Mum made me see a shrink (that was when I was like in the middle of my studies) and try to resolve my issues. I remember doing MMPI test with him and the results I got back said that my Psychopathic deviate scale was high as well as my Paranoia scale, both were around 70, but I was still "normal". He told me to try to have more respect for authorities and that I wasn't "socially/ emotionally mature" and that's where it ended. From age 25-28 I was happy as much as I could be in certain situations and circumstances, I honestly thought that I turned the leaf and that I was doing better, that all of my issues were just a part of the growing up process, and that it might be the time for me to completely settle down.

In 2010 I came to United States to get marry. I met my husband online, and he used to visit me, I didn't know his family nor his family knew me. His Mom came to visit us and meet me on the second day after my arrival, she stayed for about an hour. After a few days, my husband was late from work and when I called him to ask when he will be home he told me he stopped by his mother's to take something. After he got home I saw something different in him, and he was even treating me differently, I could clearly see that he was kind of angry, stressed, frustrated over something. It took him 3 days to tell me how his Mother told him that "he should think twice before he marries me because I look kind of sneaky"!!! That hurt my feelings so much, forget the bullying, forget all the times I got beat up, forget spitting and all the bad and ugly words I heard before, this topped it all! How can anyone make such a conclusion after talking to someone only for an hour! OMG, I was so upset but I didn't want to say anything to my husband-to-be, because I just loved him so much back then that I was afraid if I say something it might make things worse. But I knew that I'd never ever in a million years forgive his Mother. I was all alone, I came from other side of the world out of pure love, I left my family, friends, career, everything just to be with him and I just couldn't believe how she didn't appreciate that! Since that happened I've built up a wall around me when it comes to his family, his Mom is taking every possible chance to be mean to me/ to say something really mean/ to get to my nerves, sometimes I try not to pay attention, sometimes when I'm alone with her I just explode and tell her things back (luckily she doesn't live with us, but lives close enough). The situation between us is terrible. I never talk about that with my husband, 'cause one time he told me he didn't want to have anything to do with it. I am extremely depressed because of that. I'd never ask him to take sides, he just needs to be realistic about it and sometimes say "shut your mouth" to someone. Besides that I already changed two jobs in two years since I've been here and both times it was a horrible experience for me, I voluntarily left first job because I worked with a bully and didn't want to get into fights, and second time I got fired together with some other people, without notice, for being "unhappy at workplace", I do not have any friends, my husband is the only person I interact with. He doesn't have any friends either. I am far away from everybody.

I sometimes hope that all of this is a bad nightmare and that one day I'll wake up and be back home, but that moment is not coming... I get so angry that I pull my hair, I've cut my knee with knife once on purpose and ended up having 9 stitches, I bang my head on the walls around the house, sometimes abuse prescription medication, want to end my life the way it is right now cause I simply can't take it anymore and the only solution I see is suicide since I do not have any money so I can't just leave and move on, and I don't have job either. I do not love my husband the way I used to, I do not have any respect for him anymore. He doesn't know how to comfort me, even a little bit, even when I tell him what to do to help me he doesn't want to. The love has faded terribly. I can't stand his Mom. I want to have my life back, that life from when I was 25-28, and I don't know how. I just want to move on. I even went to a therapist, and even with that I was unlucky, the therapist was a retard and just kept staring at me, through me, like he wasn't listening at all. Whenever I would say something he would ask: "So what are you going to do about it?", the man was completely useless and I didn't want to waste my hard-earned money on that. But I did take Citalopram for a good half a year..

I love my parents with all my heart, no matter what they did to me when I was a kid.. They were very over-protective of me at certain times and then at other times would hurt me a lot themselves.

I don't know what else to tell you, besides I really do believe that my brain is not functioning the way it should, I feel like there's no chemical balance up there whatsoever. I often burst into tears over the smallest things, I feel a lot of pressure in my chest, sometimes the need to break things around the house (but I am somehow managing to overcome that "need"), I feel pressure all the time, I am very anxious, I don't have patience for anything, I hate repeating anything to anyone more then once- it annoys me very much, I only enjoy my life when people tell me they love me and when I feel that they understand me and are willing to protect me, and that does not happen that often in the past two years.

My husband is not a bad man, he's always with me, doesn't go anywhere without me, but I just feel like he doesn't understand what I've been through and what I still am going through being in different country and still experiencing a cultural shock. I should have started living my life and let go off everything when I came here, but it didn't happen. I am still holding onto my past which I so much hate!

I am constantly researching online about mental disorders, I really do believe I have one.

Would you suggest me to try with therapy again/ try to find someone who will actually listen? I just don't know what to do with my life. I would love to end it but I don't want my parents to be ashamed of me and I still kind of hope that I can somehow resolve this mess I am in.

Please help, tell me anything that you think will help me to get closer to resolution of all of these issues I am dealing with...

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Hi, Welcome to the forum. :) You have had a rough time.

I would definitely try to find another therapist, sometimes it takes some trying before you find someone you can click with. It does sound like you have a lot to work through and therapy is the best place to do this. Don't be put off by having had a bad experience, therapists are all different. Therapy isn't a quick fix though - it takes work and often, time.

It might also be an idea to be evaluated for depression by a doctor - you say you were on Citalopram before - did it help?

You are always welcome to come here and talk about things.

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From the last line of your post your goal is to find resolution, so there must be part of you that wants to live. While you still have the chance, why not explore how you could do that? Suicide may seem to resolve everything, and in my darker moments I definitely consider it, but in the end it only shifts the pain and confusion from one person to all the people that care about that person.

I agree with Luna that you can find a better therapist. It might take a lot of searching but you will eventually find one that clicks with you. It sounds like now you need someone to recognize your pain and understand the many difficult things that happened to you. This could happen in a group therapy setting or in a one on one relationship. If dealing with the past issues is your main focus, make sure to work with someone who treats trauma/abuse survivors.

You may think these things are horrible, unacceptable, and unbearable. I know I would feel that way about the events you described. However evidence says the opposite. You are still here so these things are bearable. Others have made peace with their past, so it must be possible to accept things even if we are profoundly negatively impacted by how they turn out. Is it really horrible? Maybe, but how does that help you find resolution? Is it really the worst thing that could have happened? No, things could always be worse, so where does that leave us? We can acknowledge the pain of the past without being controlled by it. The trick is to be honest both about what happened and about the fact that we have a choice as to how we will respond in the present. This way we do not deny or try to paste a happy face on the past, but we also don't allow the events we have survived to make us into victims.

Different therapists have different personalities and will be trained in different approaches. When the approach and personal compatibility is there then you can make some progress. In the mean time self help may be a way to get some relief. For dealing with painful past experiences, I would recommend Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine. For help managing depression and day to day interpersonal conflict I would recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. If Burns's rational approach feels too dry for your needs, i.e., you need more attention to the emotional issues that you are facing, then I would recommend Depressed & Anxious, a DBT Workbook by Thomas Marra PhD.

Finally, I would plead with you to be patient with your husband. Unless he has gone through similar things in his life (maybe he has), he cannot really know what you are going through. If he doesn't have the mental health issues you are experiencing, then there is definitely no way he can understand. This does not mean he doesn't love you or that you cannot love him. There must have been some love there to spark the marriage in the first place. If you can focus on that, you may find a strong resource and an ally even if he cannot necessarily walk the same path you have to travel in dealing with your problems. Love only grows when it is cultivated. I can say from experience that having an ally who knows your weak points and sticks with you anyway will make getting better much easier than it would be to do the same alone. This is assuming he is not abusive, which from your post doesn't seem to be the case.

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Hi, Welcome to the forum. :) You have had a rough time.

I would definitely try to find another therapist, sometimes it takes some trying before you find someone you can click with. It does sound like you have a lot to work through and therapy is the best place to do this. Don't be put off by having had a bad experience, therapists are all different. Therapy isn't a quick fix though - it takes work and often, time.

It might also be an idea to be evaluated for depression by a doctor - you say you were on Citalopram before - did it help?

You are always welcome to come here and talk about things.

I am here... I was waiting for someone to reply, I thought that the message would come to my e-mail inbox, but it didn't happen so I thought that no one actually replied.

I'd love to say in front of the therapist and tell him everything I wrote here, but I really don't have money for that. The cheapest I could find in Saint Louis is $80.00 an hour, and that is really expensive for me, so I don't know where to turn and where to seek help.

I've set up an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow, he's really nice and he was the one who's put me on Citalopram before, so I hope he will have time to listen to me and help me again.

Btw, Citalopram DID help, after two weeks I started feeling better. But all bad thoughts and emotions came back 10 days after I stopped taking it.

I guess I'll have to stick with that until I have enough money to visit a therapist...

Thanks for the support.

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From the last line of your post your goal is to find resolution, so there must be part of you that wants to live. While you still have the chance, why not explore how you could do that? Suicide may seem to resolve everything, and in my darker moments I definitely consider it, but in the end it only shifts the pain and confusion from one person to all the people that care about that person.

I agree with Luna that you can find a better therapist. It might take a lot of searching but you will eventually find one that clicks with you. It sounds like now you need someone to recognize your pain and understand the many difficult things that happened to you. This could happen in a group therapy setting or in a one on one relationship. If dealing with the past issues is your main focus, make sure to work with someone who treats trauma/abuse survivors.

You may think these things are horrible, unacceptable, and unbearable. I know I would feel that way about the events you described. However evidence says the opposite. You are still here so these things are bearable. Others have made peace with their past, so it must be possible to accept things even if we are profoundly negatively impacted by how they turn out. Is it really horrible? Maybe, but how does that help you find resolution? Is it really the worst thing that could have happened? No, things could always be worse, so where does that leave us? We can acknowledge the pain of the past without being controlled by it. The trick is to be honest both about what happened and about the fact that we have a choice as to how we will respond in the present. This way we do not deny or try to paste a happy face on the past, but we also don't allow the events we have survived to make us into victims.

Different therapists have different personalities and will be trained in different approaches. When the approach and personal compatibility is there then you can make some progress. In the mean time self help may be a way to get some relief. For dealing with painful past experiences, I would recommend Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine. For help managing depression and day to day interpersonal conflict I would recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. If Burns's rational approach feels too dry for your needs, i.e., you need more attention to the emotional issues that you are facing, then I would recommend Depressed & Anxious, a DBT Workbook by Thomas Marra PhD.

Finally, I would plead with you to be patient with your husband. Unless he has gone through similar things in his life (maybe he has), he cannot really know what you are going through. If he doesn't have the mental health issues you are experiencing, then there is definitely no way he can understand. This does not mean he doesn't love you or that you cannot love him. There must have been some love there to spark the marriage in the first place. If you can focus on that, you may find a strong resource and an ally even if he cannot necessarily walk the same path you have to travel in dealing with your problems. Love only grows when it is cultivated. I can say from experience that having an ally who knows your weak points and sticks with you anyway will make getting better much easier than it would be to do the same alone. This is assuming he is not abusive, which from your post doesn't seem to be the case.

Ralph, first of all THANK YOU VERY MUCH for taking the time to reply and try to help. I really appreciate it, I actually started crying as soon as I started reading it. It just made me feel like I wasn't alone and that someone listened and cared to save life of the person he/she didn't even know.

Half of me wants to live, the other half wants to die. To be honest with you, I really don't know how I'm still alive and where do I find strength to get up from bed every day, I just don't understand where it's coming from... I am still here, but I wish I wasn't because my behavior reflects really badly on everybody around me. I never smile, at least I haven't smiled in the past 2-3 months. Most of the time I am either angry or sad, and I can't stand anybody to say anything to me, I want everybody around me to leave me alone, not to talk to me, not to ask for anything. I don't have anything nice to say to anybody. My Mom is the only person I can talk to, and I can see her only via Skype.

My husband is always asking me: "What's wrong baby?" and I had asked him SO MANY TIMES to stop asking that question because I told him what's wrong so many times, yet he just can't stop for some reason and it's really, really annoying. I asked him to try and understand me, to try walking one mile in my shoes, I asked him that so many times, but he can't, he just doesn't get it and just keeps on asking me what's wrong every time he sees me worried/sad/angry. Sometimes I try explaining everything to him all over again, but it seems like he forgets everything by the next day... I did love him a lot before and there was nothing in my life I wanted more then to marry him. That was all before his mother said what she said, her words made him suspicious of me and he postponed the date of marriage twice after that, and it hurt my feelings really bad. I still do love him a little bit, but it's a really rare feeling, I guess because I don't think of him as a friend anymore, and I doubt he can/is willing to do anything to help me out.

He is really not a bad guy, he just doesn't know what to do with me. I want to leave him and try living my life somewhere else, I know that I won't help myself much by doing that (you can run away from everything except from yourself), but at least I will leave him alone and give him the chance to live his life without my misery in it. I even told him that tonight and he didn't take me seriously. I said it a few times and every time I did he was like: "Don't say that/ Why are you saying that/ What are talking about?".. At the end of the day I don't believe he loves me, because I think I am not lovable at all/there's nothing to love, he just might be afraid of staying alone. But if I have to live with all of my past, all of the anger and resentment- I don't have to punish him, so I believe it would be better for me to just pack my stuff and leave, be alone and try to work things out with myself. We don't have any kids so it would be painful just for the two of us.

I thought more about my situation and I came to a conclusion that everything in my life has to change. The only problem is that I don't know where to start/ what to do first. I definitely have to be surrounded by the people who love me and will support me no matter what. I have to find a way to cope with all the pain that I feel and try to not be defined by it and not let it rule my life like it's doing right now.

Thank you so much for the recommendation on what to read, I will definitely try to find those books and read them and see if it'll help. As I stated in my reply to Luna, I will visit my doctor tomorrow and talk to him, see if he can prescribe anything that might help at least temporarily.

Thank you so much Ralph, I finally feel like I'm not alone in this..

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Hello, pantheratigris. I'm sorry you are feeling so down and discouraged. :( My heart goes out to you. There are people here listening. You are not alone.

I thought more about my situation and I came to a conclusion that everything in my life has to change. The only problem is that I don't know where to start/ what to do first. I definitely have to be surrounded by the people who love me and will support me no matter what. I have to find a way to cope with all the pain that I feel and try to not be defined by it and not let it rule my life like it's doing right now.

Are you able to connect with anything that brings you feelings of comfort? This could give you a space to breathe from inside this pain. Support, care, and acceptance from those around you can offer a place for you to safely begin working on yourself. Are you able to treat yourself kindly and listen to your needs? This could be a good place to start. Maybe your doctor could offer some recommendations for affordable therapy? I hope your visit goes well and you receive medications that are helpful to you.

You mention that you did not receive responses to your post in your email. In the upper right hand corner of this page, you will see 'follow this topic.' If you click on this and add your name, you should then receive any responses in your email.

Feel free to express yourself as much as you need to. We are here.

Thinking of you today, tigris, and sending my care.

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Hello, pantheratigris. I'm sorry you are feeling so down and discouraged. :( My heart goes out to you. There are people here listening. You are not alone.

Are you able to connect with anything that brings you feelings of comfort? This could give you a space to breathe from inside this pain. Support, care, and acceptance from those around you can offer a place for you to safely begin working on yourself. Are you able to treat yourself kindly and listen to your needs? This could be a good place to start. Maybe your doctor could offer some recommendations for affordable therapy? I hope your visit goes well and you receive medications that are helpful to you.

You mention that you did not receive responses to your post in your email. In the upper right hand corner of this page, you will see 'follow this topic.' If you click on this and add your name, you should then receive any responses in your email.

Feel free to express yourself as much as you need to. We are here.

Thinking of you today, tigris, and sending my care.

Thank you IrmaJean.

I forgot to mention one thing in my story and that is whenever I go through an episode like this my husband distances himself from me. In these desperate moments, his hug and closeness is all I need, but I am not getting it. It's so obvious that he wants me only when I smile and I'm happy, but when I'm down he's running away. He does feel something for me but obviously not enough to be by my side.

I came to US 2.5 yrs ago and I don't have anyone here besides him. He didn't have ANY friends with whom we could hang out, he does have family here (Mom, Dad, Sister) but they are exactly the same like him: When I'm OK and everything's well they can be around me, when I'm going through my episode they are just mean to me. In general I'd say that all of them are pretty shallow people and they are not able to talk openly among each other, they are trying to pretend like everything is just perfect all the time and I hate that about them, probably because I grew up in completely different environment (where nothing was hidden inside)..

When I said above that I have to be surrounded by people who love me, I meant my parents. They are on the other side of the world, but I am thinking about packing my bags and catching a plane. I can't stand my life like it is right now, I am not strong enough to go through this without support. What I feel right now is the worst I ever felt, seriously- I have never been more depressed in my whole life, and it's just been growing for the past 3 months....

I can't wait to see what the doctor will say...

Thank you for your support IrmaJean...

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It must be so hard feeling you have no support, and especially at a time when you need it most. I can understand how your husband distancing himself would be very painful for you. :( Have you tried expressing your needs to him? Are you able to connect with your parents at all? Phone calls or skype?

Take gentle care, Tigris.

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I thought more about my situation and I came to a conclusion that everything in my life has to change. The only problem is that I don't know where to start/ what to do first. I definitely have to be surrounded by the people who love me and will support me no matter what. I have to find a way to cope with all the pain that I feel and try to not be defined by it and not let it rule my life like it's doing right now.

Be careful here. Often times it is unwise to make major decisions about our life when we are in a state of deep emotional turmoil. Try and get your mind more clear and then decide if you need to change everything, and how.

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IrmaJean- I use Skype to contact my parents. My Mom knows about everything and she's hiding it from my Dad. She's probably afraid that he would be very very worried about me since we're deeply connected, and he would probably advise me to leave everything and come back home. I have tried talking to my husband a lot of times, he knows about everything (95% of it) and whenever we talk he behaves like he understands me, but then next morning he's angry at me because "I am not able to be happy and I behave like an 80-year-old miserable woman!" I repeat- I do not have ANY support and that's making me crazy I swear! I don't want to be alone in this, that's all I'm asking for, but nobody listens..

Raplh- I understand what you're saying and I am trying to keep myself under control as much as I can, but as the time passes by, my feelings about leaving everything and making a drastic change are growing stronger and I can't help it.

Luna- Doctor listened to me, advised me to not see psychiatrist because once I get a diagnose there's no coming back and that diagnose could affect my ability to find a job. He understood what I was talking about and diagnosed with me with "anger" and prescribed me Xanax and Citalopram again. I've been taking them for 3 days now and still waiting for them to take an effect. Nothing is happening, except I'm not pulling my hair out anymore. My energy levels are extremely high, it's almost like I don't take any medication at all, hell, even higher! These medications might help me to sit down and calmly think about everything, but in the long run they're not a solution! I have to find a way to cope with my past, to forgive and start feeling excitement about the life again. That's something I don't know how to do, so I will need to read a couple of books I guess, since I don't have money for the therapy.

Everybody- Thank you for your concern and support. I honestly hope that the CITALOPRAM starts kicking in soon!

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