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Horse
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I'm in my mid late twenties, unemployed for a few years and have not left my house more than five times this year.

It all started upon my encounter with the civilised world when starting out in kindergarten. Bullies, the physical variety and not. I was not fond of them, and I developed some serious anger issues before starting school.

My first p.e teacher turned out to be a pedophile, I had already met one, my neighbour. I can't really remember them much these days, I do remember fighting every day against other kids, however. I was blessed with a new start when my family moved to another town. Didn't work out for me, the bullies here were developing more aggressively, and went after things like my foregin name, country accent which I still to this day refuse to change, body type and the likes, from students and teachers all the same.

I get it, I was an easy weak small target, quick,to anger, had already given up and I didn't take my problems home. My house was my home, I wasn't mixing my school issues with my home. I started bottling things up shortly after, rather than lashing out in anger at school.

I finally started skipping at age 14 shortly after giving sexual abuse a new name and face. I broke, didn't much care for the bullies. Long story short, I didn't qualify for a higher education when I turned 17. Its fair, really. I was unable to study properly. And I had given up on adult life at age 8, School just felt like such a waste.

I was able to get a trainee position in an artsy useless field and through that, I had to return to school for some classes to get my diploma, and I did great. I didn't speak to anyone, did my classes and got out.

I even got me a girlfriend. She turned out to be if the abusive variety, and after the third year of the relationship, three attempts at taking my life in, she finally left me for someone else.

A few years ago, I felt I had kicked some of my plethora of issues away. My dreams still consisted of committing school shootings at the school reunion that year, one of my many long standing dreams (that I'd never do, don't be alarmed), and I still got extremely suicideal upon being drunk. But I felt a will to make the best of life, and I made friends.

Suddenly, 5 months in, I blacked out and gave my friends black eyes and a broken lip. I don't know what triggered it or what it was, needless to say I've since isolated myself from nonfamily human contact. I'm not someone I want to see near people I'd consider friends. It's been three years now.

I actively avoid people I've already met, I hate my town and country on an irrational deep level but I'm able to function much better in my second citizenship country. I speak their language and I make friends without effort there. I'm even able to go days without fear or anger there. Yet, here, when I heard that one of the kids I went to school with died, I laughed for hours.

Any advice on what to do next? I can't pay for any psychologist or move, so don't suggest anything expensive.

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Hi Horse, welcome to the forum.

I am also unemployed. I find it harder to get out of the house the more accustomed I become to staying in and when you don't have to go to work, it is very easy to just stay inside by yourself. It's like a self-fulfilling cycle. It's also harder if you don't have many friends, I don't either. Nevertheless, it's what brings me out of my own head and my troubles. Can you get involved in some sort of activity that will take you out, even if just once a week? (I sing in a choir, we practice once a week.)

What country do you live in? Do you have access to medical services? It sounds worth it to try and discover what actually happened when you hit your friends - it may be something that is treatable?

Whatever you do, you are welcome to just hang out here if you want some company.

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I don't do friends, so I have none. And I'm not getting involved with any activity in this city, people might recognise me. And I'm not saying what country I'm in, but its a blooming Scandinavian country.bAnd I don't do medical services as I can't afford it, at least the kind I'd need. Dental care and mental help, that is.

Yea, I did have a girlfriend when I blacked out and she was getting controlling some before this happened, at least I perceived it way. And one girl got rather drunk and I went to help her out, and was told not to interfere, I remember not being to happy about that, and when they left her I helped her out ether way. Other than that, I remember little.

The social structure here is very rigid, you have to climb in a specific pattern that I was never able to grasp, whilst in my second citizenship country, having a hard time is not a shame even if its a fashinable country where apparances matter.

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