First for me, but I need to talk I think...

[topherpunch]

I wasn't sure which forum to post this in, as there are so many places. This is myself in a nutshell, perhaps someone can tell me my issues.

I was born in Rhode Island, raised in Florida, lived in Rhode Island a few more years and grew up in New hampshire till I was about 26. I have never had true friends I thought i did when I was 15, but that soon changed when I quit smoking Marijuana and my friends stopped visiting me, or even wanting to hang out with me.

My aunt is schizophrenic, so was my grandfather on my fathers side. My father left my biological mother when I was 6 months old. My father is also a manic depressive, who is gay. Depression and anxiety runs in my family.

As for me, I have anxiety sometimes and am frequently depressed, also i am pretty sure I have attachment issues. I took the Myers Briggs personality test and intj is my result, funny thing is I find it to know more about me than I know about myself.

I am over weight and find myself to be lazy. I do not like to talk with people because when I do I say something that messes up the relationship and I end up being very sad, and normally blame it on the other party for something I likely did. I can't stand hanging out with my father because I feel I am just like him and it irritates me, even though I try to make it a point to do things differently than he does, but I can still see him in my personality.

I have an online girlfriend that I love, yet she is a wreck and I don't think she will ever want to meet in real life, which has lead me to seek other things out in other place, which I don't want to do at all.

Online video games is what I do in my spare time, but I find I want to do something meaningful, yet when I try something I find I do not finish it, I cannot focus on something that is boring to me.

My focus is all out of wack, I want to do something, yet I lose interest very quickly. Examples, I have written children books, game stories, started a blog, multiple websites, tried programming (went to school for this and found out I was wasting my time, spent to much time and now I owe a ton of money), joined two teams in total to make a game but each has failed, tried to learn how to make a game myself but I cannot focus on it long enough to stay with it. Everytime I try to do something I get bored because I want to hang out with my online girlfriend, but when I am doing that I am extremely bored, yet I don't seem to do anything else.

I am always tired, bored, and depressed. I work as a fed ex courier, but I have a hard time being social with my co workers, mostly because when I talk to people I find flaws very quickly and think they are stupid, but they aren't, they are just flaws. I can't stand someone else thinking badly of me, or thinking my intellect is low, even though it quite possibly could be.

Well now that I typed it all out I would say I am a wreck. Can anyone tell me what is wrong with me?

[finding my way]

Hi topherpunch, welcome to our community!

It sounds like you have some self awareness, and that's a start! Instead of looking for things that are "wrong" maybe open yourself to what might work for you? We are human, and there will always be flaws, as you say.

If sustained attention is a challenge, maybe experiment with different approaches to deepen your commitment to something. I can tell you that getting rhythmic is supposed to help, though it may seem difficult at first. Can you get into a rhythm learning and instrument or studying a type of exercise? Many people get something out of using breathing techniques to calm and regulate the mind. Some people get help taking medication. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

You are welcome to continue exploring ideas here!

[topherpunch]

Thank you for the welcome and thanks for the reply.

I don't normally blurt out everything that is wrong with me, but I thought I would give you a sort of background on myself to paint a picture of who I am. There is so much "wrong" because I have a hard time focusing on things that are "right" with me. Everything I have done I usually have failed at, or just have not finished. Of course I am not trying to self bash myself, I am just noticing I am coming to a time in my life where I notice I want more out of life, and I find that I am not getting what I truly want, which I find to be a challenge because I want these things. I would love to write stories, but I can't finish them because my vocabulary lacks and my English punctuation is not good. I play video games because I have really good hand eye coordination and I simply like the entertainment value, yet I cannot finish learning how to program. I have so many ideas, yet when I try to act on them I lose interest and stop.

I have been thinking about talking to someone professionally, but I am hesitant because I don't want to hear a fake description of myself, but I really want to focus and find a direction with my life. Maybe medication will work. I do meditate when I can, but I keep forgetting, or just get to lazy to continue going about it.

I have a really hard time with people, I want to scream at them, tell them they are wrong and tell them to stop being fake. Society makes me upset and I wish I could isolate myself, but on top of that I don't know enough and I feel like I need society to learn more and take my life further....

So much my brain wants, yet I cannot harness my inner creativity and sustain focus.

[Victimorthecrime]

Hey Top, you are not alone, I have a lot of the sane feelings. When a person works full time it is hard to find the time, energy, and even money to do the things we want & it leads to despear. What I try to do is be in good physical shape and also to really prioritize so that I don't waste time. You sound like you have some interests maybe find a writers group that meets. I know they have them in bookstores and community centers and the like. The with the video games. Or maybe cut back on gaming and take up a physical activity?

It is easier said than done trust me I know so please don't think I am preaching 'cause I know how hard life can be.

[Endlessnight]

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