LOSING IT TOTALLY!

[Tsunami]

I had a bit of a rupture at my session, I was triggered. I did email him and T emailed me back. I am completely losing it because I am so afraid that he is going to terminate me because he inadvertently triggers me. I want to email him again SO BAD, SO MUCH, but I am afraid he will turn draconian on me. HELP! My amygdala is hijacking me and is running away with any sense that I have! I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jeep]

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[Jeep]

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[Tsunami]

(((((Jeep))))))

Thank you, thank you. I don't know why I am so freaking out. He did write for me to keep in mind how easy it is for him to trigger me, and this terrifies me, (probably a trigger) because it is true but also because I wonder if he is saying that I need to find someone else. The problem is that everyone triggers me at some point, it isn't them, it is me. Thank you amygdala. I don't have a saber tooth tiger coming at me at the moment, so, you can go on break:) Thank you tons, Jeep!

[Tsunami]

Yes, I don't want to email him again because this is what I do but not something I want to do. Just writing it here helps. I am a bit calmer now, but I know I will struggle with this until Wednesday. How can I go five weeks and be okay without contacting him and now, I saw him Wednesday, and I am losing it? I thought I had myself together until I found out otherwise. Thanks so much!!

[Jeep]

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[Tsunami]

I have to go, but am a bit calmer, still a bit on edge. This is a bit discouraging, I have to admit. It did feel like I was in imminent danger, though. Like an elephant was going to fall out of the sky any minute and land on me. Take care.

[Tsunami]

Awww, (((((Jeep)))), I'm sorry that you had to suffer. You are much appreciated!

[Jeep]

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[IrmaJean]

I'm so sorry you're in distress, Tsunami.

I've noticed with myself that once my insecurities have been set off, it can take some time to feel balanced again. I can totally relate to feeling on edge and off-center.

It's good that you reached out and expressed yourself.

Wishing you serenity. Take gentle care of you.

[Luna-]

Thinking of you Tsunami. I really hope you can let him know how afraid you are that he will terminate you, to get some reassurance on that score. That must be a very insecure feeling.

[Tsunami]

Thanks for your replies. Last session, I was triggered, and I have no emotional memory of that part, I just remember what it was thinking. So, it was upset and I don't remember if how I spoke was respectful or not? I read the email I wrote, and it wasn't disrespectful, but I felt uncomfortable reading it. It terrifies me, that I was like this with my T, and I don't even know what I was like. I feel so vulnerable, but I can't email because it will heighten my fear. He got an email from the other part of me but I won't allow this part to email him. I don't get this at all. This is just how I explain what is going on inside. I am taking sleeping pills, so I can have some relief. I am so discouraged, when I am like this, I hope I never wake up, that I never have to deal with this again. I guess when I get like this I just have to drug myself and go to sleep an hope it is better in the morning. I hate myself. I am angry that I am like this. I am sad that overcoming this feels impossible.

[Luna-]

I do that sometimes - take a sleeping tablet and hope it will be better in the morning. It's like rebooting. It usually is better, I can get myself worked up into quite a state. Have you ever tried mindfulness? It is a big part of DBT. It is supposed to help with intense feelings that take over. I am trying to practice it at the moment. I don't find it easy, my mind tends to wander off a lot. But apparently once it is a habit, you can call on it at times like these.

I think it is natural that the first session back would be hard. You have coped well alone for a long time, you will fall apart a bit afterwards. It reminds me of the time my daughter's ear was bitten by a dog, almost all the way off. She was apparently quite calm and composed and was rushed to the doctor (she was at a friend) by my friend who then phoned to let me know. I rushed there and as soon as my daughter saw me, she dissolved into tears and just cried - she had held it all in until she saw me, and I suppose, then felt safe to cry and let go her emotion (she had plastic surgery to sew the lobe back on). So it sounds similar to that and is understandable. Your T probably knows this, too.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe the pain or fear was too much and so you disassociated? It sounds difficult, Tsu. It must be very hard to cope with so many conflicting emotions. I'm sorry you are feeling upset. When you see him in the next session, maybe express yourself as you did here? I think you do a wonderful job of identifying and expressing your feelings.

Are you able to breathe a space between yourself and your critical feelings of you?

I agree that it can be easier to show vulnerability with someone you trust. I think also, in different types of attachment styles, it isn't uncommon to experience a mixed bag of conflicting feelings when an attachment figure returns.

I hope the new day brings you inner serenity. Sending my care.

[finding my way]

Anytime I do not want to be me, I am not safe.

That is why self hatred is dangerous, and when I start having those feelings I take them as red flags.

It means time to get out the tools.

(((((((Tsunami))))))

How are you today?

[Tsunami]

I do that sometimes - take a sleeping tablet and hope it will be better in the morning. It's like rebooting. It usually is better, I can get myself worked up into quite a state. Have you ever tried mindfulness? It is a big part of DBT. It is supposed to help with intense feelings that take over. I am trying to practice it at the moment. I don't find it easy, my mind tends to wander off a lot. But apparently once it is a habit, you can call on it at times like these.

I think it is natural that the first session back would be hard. You have coped well alone for a long time, you will fall apart a bit afterwards. It reminds me of the time my daughter's ear was bitten by a dog, almost all the way off. She was apparently quite calm and composed and was rushed to the doctor (she was at a friend) by my friend who then phoned to let me know. I rushed there and as soon as my daughter saw me, she dissolved into tears and just cried - she had held it all in until she saw me, and I suppose, then felt safe to cry and let go her emotion (she had plastic surgery to sew the lobe back on). So it sounds similar to that and is understandable. Your T probably knows this, too.

Yes, great analogy! I am okay today:) I feel grounded. Yes, I do practice mindfulness but sometimes I just can't. Thanks so much for your reply. I had a panic session with myself

[Tsunami]

Maybe the pain or fear was too much and so you disassociated? It sounds difficult, Tsu. It must be very hard to cope with so many conflicting emotions. I'm sorry you are feeling upset. When you see him in the next session, maybe express yourself as you did here? I think you do a wonderful job of identifying and expressing your feelings.

Are you able to breathe a space between yourself and your critical feelings of you?

I agree that it can be easier to show vulnerability with someone you trust. I think also, in different types of attachment styles, it isn't uncommon to experience a mixed bag of conflicting feelings when an attachment figure returns.

I hope the new day brings you inner serenity. Sending my care.

Thank you so much! I do feel inner serenity, or at least I don't feel panic. I did have a really difficult time, and I did email him once (before I panicked the second time which was when I posted here). He told me that I was doing a good job thinking things through, and yes, I will definitely tell him more when I see him. Yes, I did suspect that the first session back would be a difficult one, but I wasn't sure how. It will be okay, though. Thanks for caring, I really appreciate your help, and everyone else's!!!

[Tsunami]

Anytime I do not want to be me, I am not safe.

That is why self hatred is dangerous, and when I start having those feelings I take them as red flags.

It means time to get out the tools.

(((((((Tsunami))))))

How are you today?

Great way to put it, anytime I don't want to be me, I am not safe! That is so true!

My tool of choice were my sleeping pills, and today I just did nothing, but I feel safe. I was wrought with panic, I didn't want to email T a second time for reassurance, because I don't want to increase the chance of him terminating me, and it came close to driving me mad, because that is what I was afraid would happen even if I didn't email him:( I didn't feel safe at all, I felt terror. Thanks for the help!

[malign]

"Like an elephant was going to fall out of the sky any minute and land on me."

I'm still trying to figure out how you got him airborne ... :-)

{Obviously, he was standing on one end of a board across a barrel, and a larger elephant jumped on the other end ...}

{It's remarkable what you can survive if your brain turns everything into a cartoon.}

{Not sure if that's wisdom or insanity, or how I would know ...}

Sorry I missed the rain of elephants.

[Tsunami]

"Like an elephant was going to fall out of the sky any minute and land on me."

I'm still trying to figure out how you got him airborne ... :-)

{Obviously, he was standing on one end of a board across a barrel, and a larger elephant jumped on the other end ...}

{It's remarkable what you can survive if your brain turns everything into a cartoon.}

{Not sure if that's wisdom or insanity, or how I would know ...}

Sorry I missed the rain of elephants.

LOL, I like our ability to expand on my psychotic vision:) LOLOL I know, yeah, thank goodness the larger elephant that jumped on the other end wasn't the one falling my way, although I don't know if a ton here or there would matter.

It could be a play on the elephant in the room (except not in a room), or maybe not? LOL When I am stressed, general I will go what I call right-brained (creative) which defends me somewhat from reality. lol. It could be wisdom, insanity, and avoidance all in one. Thanks for your reply.

[malign]

"Expand your vision"? You mean the bigger elephant? :-)

But I disagree: an extra ton there doesn't matter, but an extra ton here could be pretty uncomfortable ...

Trust me, whether you call it right-brained, expansively psychotic vision, or just the ability to see the humor in things, it's one of the reasons the planet still has to put up with me. I don't know the planet's opinion, but to me that makes it a good thing. :-)

[Tsunami]

"Expand your vision"? You mean the bigger elephant? :-)

But I disagree: an extra ton there doesn't matter, but an extra ton here could be pretty uncomfortable ...

Trust me, whether you call it right-brained, expansively psychotic vision, or just the ability to see the humor in things, it's one of the reasons the planet still has to put up with me. I don't know the planet's opinion, but to me that makes it a good thing. :-)

LOLOL, I enjoy your humor! I enjoy your posts, and bantering with you, I don't just "put up with you", lol. My opinion (which we all know is fact, haha) is that it is a good thing that you are here!

Time for Summer!

[IrmaJean]

Wow, that is a crowded pool!

I love your sense of humor, Tsu, and Mark's too. Hey, that rhymed. Cool. Laughter is good for the soul. :-)

Hope you are feeling better. Take care.

[Guest]

I know I am a little late but I am here listening too...

[Tsunami]

I feel absolutely horrific, ashamed and embarrassed and I can't get over it. I saw T today, was okay, fine, and this ego state keeps coming back to make sure I don't get away with anything. T told me that he didn't want me to send him strings of emails, or call him one time after the next, and I haven't done that and I didn't talk to him about it today because I wasn't "feeling it." But I felt unjustly accused. I am so obsessive about this, I feel like I totally deserve to feel so empty and miserable. I keep getting myself into this predicament like a total idiot and I feel vulnerable and I hate it. I did bring it up a bit, and T said that I can be rest assured that I will email him, which at the time helped me feel a bit better, but I feel like a huge loser. I really just can't deal with this, what am I supposed to do? I am not bad enough to check myself into a hospital, but I am not good enough to tolerate this. Like seriously, I can't convey this in an email, but I am at rock bottom. I feel BAD, like needing people is BAD, and I can't stop crying. I am in a ton of pain, and there is nothing I can do. And this makes me angry as hell, so another sleeping pill it is. I am just going to keep taking them, when I wake up tomorrow, I'm taking one again, and I am going to sleep my Summer away. I'm such a waste and I hate myself more than anyone could ever fathom. I feel so alone irl, and I feel this is what I deserve. If I wasn't me, if I wasn't clingy, if I wasn't a loser. . . But I am. I am terrified because I can't get out of this state, and how I got back in it, I don't know. I am having major ideation as it is the only out I have. I am fooling myself in thinking I am going to get better, I am not. I am going to continue to be stuck in this crap ego state that sucks big time. Have I mentioned that I am miserable about the state I am in?