LOSING IT TOTALLY!

[Tsunami]

This makes me feel better, a friend shared it with me:

lol, I love it!

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain, Tsu.

I'm listening. I hear your self-critic.

It's very hard to accept our vulnerabilities sometimes, especially when we are judging ourselves for having them. I sometimes worry that I can be "clingy" and I don't want to be so it's hard. It's also frightening knowing we are in a space where we can be hurt. It's something we all have, vulnerability, it's something we share, we all have soft spots...It reminds me of a flower. A flower is vulnerable to the elements: wind, sun, and rain, but it's also so very beautiful in its tenderness while it is wide open and alive. What I see is your humanity, which reminds me of mine and that evokes feelings of compassion. I want to take gentle care with you. Maybe one day, though perhaps not yet, you can find a way to this too? Are you able to reach over to the part of you who is in pain with compassion and care? It's okay to feel your feelings. It's okay to need. It's okay to be you.

I hear you that this hurts. I hope you will reach out for support if you need to. It's okay to do that.

[Tsunami]

I am just still in pain. I am so tired of it all.. Thanks for your reply.

[Guest]

Everyone needs someone... and everyone can be clingy. I noticed in myself it's a cycle you feel capable and hopeful one moment and the other you are loathing yourself, in that time you need to remember not to be so hard on yourself remember you are human. When you want someone to like you, people can get obsessive about someone. When you feel like emailing him just try posting what you would email him here and listen to feedback. If anything it will show you that he is not the only one who can help. I am speaking from experience...

[Tsunami]

Thanks sedsed. I am totally loathing myself, and it isnt always centered around T, I feel like a failure across the board. Friends, work, I really despise myself and it wont go away. I have no hope whatsoever. I have been posting, You are right, I dont want to be obsessive or to burden people. I really dont want to be , it is all falling down around me. I dont want to be. I have fought this forever and have failed and I no longer care.

[IrmaJean]

What do you think your self-loathing part might need right now? Maybe to sit with the feeling and rest? To be heard? I can tell you've been working very hard.

You're not a burden, Tsunami; write as much as you need. Sitting with you.

[Tsunami]

I am feeling better, I took my Provigil, and I have a better outlook. It won't last long, though, probably through another four hours or so. It is a stimulant, but it does bring me out of the doldrums at times.

Again, I really appreciate everyone here, thanks for the help! The lows I am reaching are intensely low, and include self-hatred. During my session with T on Wed., I thought he was angry at me for emailing him. On Thurs., he smiled and said he absolutely wasn't. I hate not being able to trust my own instincts, it is terrifying! It scares me that I was in such a different ego state and I couldn't get out of it. Since my last therapy, I have known that I have dissociated ego states, but as I go into them with awareness, it is so terrifying that I can't describe it. I do have a memory of going there, I just can't believe that I felt that way, and thus, acted in accordance with the way I felt. It leaves me feeling crazy, like how could I do this? And then I will get back into that state again, and it is like the emotions are so pervasive that thinking is out of the question. I don't know if anything is different, but my awareness has increased, and I don't know if that is what is sending me off into orbit.

I do like the idea of posting what I would write to T, and I will do that next time. T tells me that I am very sensitive, and that I get triggered easily, which is true. I told him that this is what happens at work, and I am left there to deal with it and to have to act like nothing is happening. T tells me that if he says something or if anyone says something negative (well, negative is not the word, but even constructive criticism I guess) that it triggers the part of me that is self-persecutorial (is that a word?) and that this part is harder on me than anyone else would ever be. I started talking about emailing him and how horrific I felt on Thursday, and he said are you still on that topic, lol? He hasn't experienced my stuck on something self yet, he has a great time in store for him:)

Anyway, I might post this elsewhere, but I am wondering if anyone takes Lamictal or Topamax for a mood disorder, because I just read that they are good for people with BPD. The article also said that antidepressants aren't very helpful with just BPD, which is good because I can't stand taking them. I am seriously considering asking to try Topamax to see if it works. I know I have things to work through, but if they don't make me feel tired then I would welcome anything that helps. I was just wondering if anyone else takes either one of these drugs and if it works for them?

[Guest]

I agree you are not a burden if anything you are an enjoyment to talk to . Emotions are hard to read over the computer anyways maybe that is why T might prefer you talk in person, that is why I prefer not to talk in person with people lol.

Also sorry but I don't take any drugs unless you consider caffeine a drug

[Tsunami]

I am down again. What is wrong with me? It's like I must have a brain tumor or something. This really sucks. This is not a life, it is an agonizing effort in futility. Thanks for your kind words. I am going to go to something for awhile with the family (puts on mask), but I need to work through this because I just can't take feeling this way much longer. I will start typing the issue I am dealing with.

I have attachment issues and am clearly attached to this T. I went for five weeks during his vacation and did fine because I was allowed to email. Now that I can't, I feel like a toddler standing in the middle of an airport and a message keeps replaying ding: Your safe base has left the building. . . . ding: Your safe base has left the building . . .ding: Your safe base has left the building. I guess you get the idea. Every time it jumps in my head, then it triggers me and is really uncomfortable, and it brings up my self hatred. I wish he would tell me okay, you can email, so I can just relax and work on me and not have the attachment alarm constantly going off driving me crazy. I would promise him to only email two times between now and next June. Then, I could calm down, I could work on me. Instead, I am in other mode. It is so annoying and I want to detach desperately. I don't feel a connection with him at all, maybe that is it, but this emotional reaction is ridiculous. I remember the last couple of sessions and when I am in self-hatred mode, I pick apart things he said, and attribute negative things to them, and it is terrifying. I can really torture myself like nobody. I know my weakness and am targeting it I guess. My self-loathing part needs what I wrote above, to not be shackled by no contact which feels horrible, but I understand it is me. Then I could self-regulate without this stupid announcement. It feels like a saber tooth tiger is chasing me constantly. The alarm has gone to Def Con One, so there is also a nuclear threat according to my amygdala. My amygdala puts the fun in dysfunctional. Well, that is/those are the issues I am dealing with. I am stuck on this issue surrounding T right now, and I have done this in the past, but this time I AM going to work through it somehow. Unless the tiger gets me first.

Any comments, suggestions are welcome. Thanks so much!

[Jeep]

.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Your struggle sounds familiar to me, Tsunami. You aren't alone.

My self-loathing part needs what I wrote above, to not be shackled by no contact which feels horrible

So your self-loathing part needs to be able to reach her attachment figure? Does she need her attachment figure in order to feel safe? Can another part of you help her to feel safe? From what I understand, the work around some attachment issues is in learning self-care. This starts with having an awareness of feelings and needs. Tsunami, you are very open and aware of your feelings. You are very courageous as well.

I don't know how much help I am because I struggle with some similar issues. I do hope you feel better soon.

[Tsunami]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Your struggle sounds familiar to me, Tsunami. You aren't alone.

So your self-loathing part needs to be able to reach her attachment figure? Does she need her attachment figure in order to feel safe? Can another part of you help her to feel safe? From what I understand, the work around some attachment issues is in learning self-care. This starts with having an awareness of feelings and needs. Tsunami, you are very open and aware of your feelings. You are very courageous as well.

I don't know how much help I am because I struggle with some similar issues. I do hope you feel better soon.

IJ--

Thank you so much! You are helping a lot! Thank you for your kind words. I think I just need to be mindful but it is difficult to do. I think I am fighting this, I am so afraid not to do so. I am so afraid to feel. I don't know what is underneath this, but it feels like something that will completely engulf me if I stop fighting. To add to all of this, I feel so distrustful of others, I am seeing things through a negative lens and I can't trust myself (which is why I am having difficulty trusting in like T for example). I guess I just have to stop fighting and accept the inevitable, whatever that is. If this is the pain I think it is, it is going to be excruciating, and I don't know if I just relax even if it will surface. I may have no earthly idea of what I am talking about, too, that is a possibility. Maybe I am delusional or something. I am not talking about the people here, I can see that you all care and I appreciate this.

Because I have to feel whatever this is, I FEEL like no one cares, that is the accompanying feeling or thought. I FEEL like if T really cared, he would do anything to help me not have to go through this. I guess this is an old message, but it is painful nonetheless. I know T has helped me and in no way am I blaming him, but I guess this is the result of therapy. I might become so engulfed that I might disappear. I feel like I am nothing but an annoyance to people irl, that I have no reason to be here. I am kind of angry at the world, but feel that I have no right to be. This pain isn't mine, but that doesn't matter. Fine, pain, I'm yours to do with what you want. I am sick of fighting. You win. I surrender. I would rather you just destroy me instead of torturing me day by day and you causing me to be torturous to others irl so they run for the hills. I feel like this is what I deserve for being me.

I just have to get all of this out. Thanks for listening.

Jeep - yes, walking does help me, I did that earlier. I wish I could just feel all this and get it all out of me! I am tired of being tortured by it. Thanks again.

[IrmaJean]

I am so afraid to feel.

Are you fearing emotional pain? Do you feel it physically? This was where part of my fear was. I feel it in my chest, sometimes intensely, and I would fight that. Over the past several months, I have tried sitting with my feelings. I find that when I fight my feelings, I become agitated and this gives even more energy to my pain. So what I do now, though not always successfully, is allow the emotions to come, let them flow, surrender to them, stare the pain right in the eye...What does it mean? What is it trying to tell me? Then I become the observer and this can be a place to learn. The emotions can't hurt me beyond the passing feeling. They come and go and I am still me. I find that I can find something positive beyond the sensations, something healing. It seems to have been a transformative experience for me.

For me, the pain is all about separation and loss, the fear of being abandoned and left alone...a child part's fears. So I created (in my mind) my own secure base within myself. I imagined how I would like it to be and then practiced comforting myself there. I'm still working on all of this. I don't know if any of that might help or fit for you.

I might become so engulfed that I might disappear.

Are you afraid the emotions will cause you to lose connection with yourself and pull you apart? Would imagery help at all? Maybe you might imagine your inner light shining very brightly and give power to that. Or perhaps imagine yourself comforting the parts of you who feel afraid. Just throwing some thoughts out there.

Have you read the S.A.F.E. thread at all? It's in the 'Recommended' section if you're interested.

Feel free to keep expressing yourself as much as you need to if it helps.

Take gentle care, Tsunami.

[Luna-]

Anyway, I might post this elsewhere, but I am wondering if anyone takes Lamictal or Topamax for a mood disorder, because I just read that they are good for people with BPD. The article also said that antidepressants aren't very helpful with just BPD, which is good because I can't stand taking them. I am seriously considering asking to try Topamax to see if it works. I know I have things to work through, but if they don't make me feel tired then I would welcome anything that helps. I was just wondering if anyone else takes either one of these drugs and if it works for them?

I take Lamictal, for bipolar, it's a mood stabilser that is supposedly good for depression. It works fine with no side-effects as far as I can tell. I am on quite a high dose - 400mg, it's unlikely you will be on that much, a usual dose is 200mg. It has a slow titration to minimise the risk of rashes, which you could get if titrating fast. That said, I titrated fast and didn't have any problems.

I tried Topamax but it made me depressed. But reactions are very individual and plenty of people do great with Topamax.

[finding my way]

Tsunami, how are you??

I don't know what is underneath this, but it feels like something that will completely engulf me if I stop fighting

what if the thing that is underneath this is actually what you've been wanting and needing all along?

An image that comes to mind from my own therapy is being in deep water-- if you don't keep struggling, you drown and you're so exhausted!! Then comes the day when there's a little ground to stand on.... and that's it! I can stand in being me, and it is ok.

[malign]

On the other hand, you may be surrounded by water and afraid of drowning now, and then one day you discover that you're actually a fish. ;-)

Maybe in the meantime, learn scuba ...

I think more often it's a shift of perspective, rather than any change out in the world, that helps a person. In fact, it's probably shifting perspectives that make things change so quickly for you, now. So maybe instead of insane, you're multifaceted (which is itself another shift in perspective, away from gratuitous insults. You don't seem very awful to me ...)

{Also, I missed the dancing banana. He'd be perfect if he were a macaroni ...}

[Tsunami]

Tsunami, how are you??

what if the thing that is underneath this is actually what you've been wanting and needing all along?

An image that comes to mind from my own therapy is being in deep water-- if you don't keep struggling, you drown and you're so exhausted!! Then comes the day when there's a little ground to stand on.... and that's it! I can stand in being me, and it is ok.

You might be right:) Thanks Finding! I am waiting for that day:) Take care!

[Tsunami]

On the other hand, you may be surrounded by water and afraid of drowning now, and then one day you discover that you're actually a fish. ;-)

Maybe in the meantime, learn scuba ...

I think more often it's a shift of perspective, rather than any change out in the world, that helps a person. In fact, it's probably shifting perspectives that make things change so quickly for you, now. So maybe instead of insane, you're multifaceted (which is itself another shift in perspective, away from gratuitous insults. You don't seem very awful to me ...)

{Also, I missed the dancing banana. He'd be perfect if he were a macaroni ...}

Yep, another possibility:), I think i might be a fish. I like multifaceted, good one:) I really want to shift my perspective, but I am shifting between being somewhat okay to being NOT okay, and as of yet I feel unable to control it. Ugh. Thanks so much for your kind words, everyone here has really helped! Yeah, he would be perfect as a macaroni, lol:)

[finding my way]

We are here, Tsunami!

I'm sorry you are hurting

[Tsunami]

I had a really good session today. T was very understanding and we worked through some of the issues I was having. I can now focus on me, my D, and H, and it is such a relief! I can't wait to start living again instead of struggling to live. I am free for summer, and although I have no money, I still am going to find a lot of things to do! Take care all!

[Luna-]

That's wonderful news, Tsunami.

[IrmaJean]

Great news, Tsunami. I hope you enjoy the summer!

[finding my way]

Hooray!!!

[Tsunami]

Thanks everyone! I have been in bed all day:( So much for my plan. I need to do opposite of emotion, but I haven't yet done that. I need to just do it. I guess this is depression, because I am not dealing with T issues, issues otherwise, though. I

[finding my way]

We are listening, Tsunami. I'm sorry for your struggles