This is too much

[pandaxsevenx]

I don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what happens things are always going to go wrong. I'll start off by giving you a summary of my life I guess. I've had traumatic experiences, as most people have. I've been abused by my dad growing up. My parents are both hooked on drugs. I was raped when I was five and molested when I was fourteen. I've had three people close to me murdered. One being my cousin when I was eleven, a childhood friend when I was twelve, and I just recently discovered that my aunt's death was also a murder when she passed back in january. I'm always having to watch people I love suffer and die along with having to deal with my own mental issues. I've had hallucinations since I was little and they used to not be a big deal. I would see animals when I was a child and follow them out to random places. They stopped for a while and then came back when I was thirteen. Being nineteen now, I thought I had gotten a grip on my mental issues, but the hallucinating and anxiety is getting worse and more terrifying. I have visual and audible hallucinations of people, animals, blood, and voices telling me to give up or hurt myself. I've been to the hospital twice for extreme panic attacks, self injury, and suicide attempt. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I do see a therapist, but that hasn't done anything for me. I need to figure out a way to handle this on my own before I end up doing something to hurt myself. I'm working two jobs with hardly any down time. I just moved out on my own. I'm trying to do well for myself but these issues are holding me back and it's not healthy. I've been vomiting every day for three months due to stress and I've lost a lot of weight. I've been to the doctor for it but, after running several tests, they said that because it's stress induced that there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm afraid. I feel like I'm falling apart and I've done everything I can think of. I really need to figure out what to do before it's to late... Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.

[finding my way]

pandaseven, I am so sorry for this pain :( Does your therapist know about your hallucinations and anxiety? Do you feel you can talk with that person?

[Luna-]

Did your doctor not give you any medication or refer you to a psychiatrist? I think if you printed out this post and took it to the doctor, s/he may be able to see just how bad it is. Does your therapist know how desperate you are?

[pandaxsevenx]

To finding my way, she knows all about the anxiety and hallucinations. I live in a very small town with underdeveloped mental health options. She doesn't do anything but say "that's crazy", "I wonder why that happens", or laugh awkwardly at the wrong times. I don't feel comfortable talking to her. My med doctor isn't much help either. I talked to him about the panic attacks, hallucinations, and chronic vomiting and weight loss and he told me that there was nothing I could do about it and that it was "something that was just going to have to suck". I feel like I'm falling apart physically as well as emotionally. I'm always sick and since I vomit so much I've began to vomit blood almost every time. i know that is because I'm tearing up my esophagus but this can't be good for my body and I can't afford to go to the hospital again. I'm still paying off the bill from last time.

To Luna-, I am perscibed 20mg of Lexapro. In the past I have been given prozac, zoloft, and a low dosage of zyprexa. My therapist knows exactly how I feel, but as I mentioned to finding my way, she's not very good at doing her job. :/

Sorry for the late response. I've been working since 5am and just got home. I'll be in all night though.

[pandaxsevenx]

Also, my doctor did ask me last time I saw him if I had ever concidered seeing a psychiatrist. I told him that I had and he said "ok" and left it at that. He didn't refer me to one or anything and my doctor is only available every three months.

[Luna-]

Gosh, I don't know what to suggest, other than going back to the doctor or therapist and insisting that something is very wrong and they need to do something. Do you know anyone else you could tell; this to and perhaps have them advocate for you?

[pandaxsevenx]

I'm pretty much on my own. My dad's an alcoholic and more involved with my step family, and my mom is currently on a meth binge trying to discover more about my aunt's murder. It's scaring me because I'm actually very close to my mother but she isn't in the position to help me. I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose her too that I can't stand it. I will definently ask my doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist the next time I see him but that won't be until the end of the month.

[finding my way]

Sometimes it can take a while to get medical attention I hope you can still push for getting what you need, even though that must be so hard Meanwhile, maybe we can talk about ways to handle stress? Has your therapist given you any tools to try? Learning breathing techniques can help. Exercise. Pulling yourself into the present moment while looking at something in nature can give you a chance to rest. These can sound too simple, but over time they are powerful.

[pandaxsevenx]

She has told me to self soothe. Which I guess is kind of the same thing that you are talking about. I'll keep pushing to get the help I need. I know breathing techniques and they help sometimes. I exercise every day. Thanks for the tips. I never thought about looking at nature.

[malign]

The natural world is full of soothing input. Flowers and grass, and even rain falling, can be soothing. I even use pictures of greenery at work, to mellow out the gray cubicle walls.

Can you nail down more clearly which part of your environment is the most stressful? Perhaps it's to the point where you need to go somewhere else, away from whatever the worst sources are? For one thing, you might have better access to health care, and less access to murders ...

[finding my way]

How are you doing, pandaseven?

[Endlessnight]

Hello. I am so sorry to hear about all you are going through and have gone through. I can hear how stressed you are. I know that sometimes it's hard to put things into words so perhaps if you printed out what you wrote, as Luna suggested, and showed it to your therapist, he/she might get a better idea of how to better help you? I have seen a psychiatrist and the meds he gave me have helped me. I've realised they are not a cure all, but they do help. I wish I could help you more. (((((hugs to you)))))