Obsessive Thoughts or Sexual Attraction?

[MoonDreamer50]

This is hard to talk about but I'm going to try my best to make it not sound wrong or like something else. So when I was younger whenever I saw another kid my age go to the bathroom or naked or anything, I was simply excited or interested. It was a weird thing, it just caught my attention. It was a form of curiosity. Anyway, as I'm growing older, I'm having moments where that part of me sort of returns. I'll state here now that I do not think I have a sexual attraction to children... having sexual attraction to something, in my opinion, is something much greater than how I feel in these situations. When I saw my younger cousin getting changed, I panicked and felt sick... I didn't feel well, but had that same curiosity I did when I was younger. As a kid, it aroused me, and now, it sort of does, but I find it hard since I really don't have a physical, pulling, sexual attraction to children. I'm afraid I'm rationalizing, though.... I'm a VERY obsessive person, and I have an obsessive-compulsive personality, and I keep obsessing about this and rationalizing and rethinking this. In an obsessive "fit," I'll test to see if I really am attracted to children or something, and if I imagine doing something sexual, any excitement or curiosity dies. When I saw my cousin getting changed, a feeling of nostalgia passed through me. When I saw my younger cousin getting changed, I was reminded of when I was a kid and saw other kids in the bathroom or getting changed. This is all hard to explain and my thoughts are pretty complex in this situation. Basically, it's as if the memories of seeing other kids when I was younger is sort of haunting me, and sort of trying to excite, arouse, or comfort me. I'm not sure what this means. I'm very afraid of being a pedophile of infantophile. I obsess and cringe everyday over it. And when I see young kids, I question this. Here's the interesting part: sometimes, my obsessive-compulsive personality will fade or disappear due to a number of things (a drug, simply being relaxed, change of thought, doing something different, etc.) When this happens, interestingly enough, the excitement and curiosity I feel almost completely disappears. It's as if my obsessive mind is making me feel and re-experience the pleasure I experienced as a kid when I see those things. If I see a young child naked, which, of course, isn't sexual, I'm reminded of what I saw when I was a kid, and for some reason, that sort of excites me and is kind of arousing. If I stop thinking (through deep relaxation, of course) and look at this, there's no excitement or arousal... I'm very afraid I'm some sick person, but at the same time, this situation is very complex. It's also strange how the feelings can go away so easily. I know how pedophiles and infantophiles cannot simply get rid of their issues. In my dreams, usually, this feeling also goes away, and I usually do not feel that way in those situations. I wonder... is it possible that I experienced some trauma that's making me sort of "cling on" to what excited or aroused me when I was a kid? I'd like to note that having sex with a woman is very appealing to me and is much more stronger, deeper, and more complex and satisfying to me than any feeling I get when I see, let's say, my younger cousin getting changed. I also have Asperger's, which helps contribute to my obsessive thoughts, so that probably affects this as well. When i see a kid fully clothed, I think nothing. I would imagine that most pedophiles or infantophiles think sexual thoughts even then. But then again, are these thoughts I'm having even fully sexual? Compared to my feelings with women, I feel that they aren't. But am I rationalizing? I'd appreciate kind and intelligent feedback... this is all hard and I'm cringing and obsessing each day, wondering if I'm an evil, sick person... maybe some positive reinforcement could help... thanks.

[malign]

Humans are fascinating. And we're easily fascinated, and curious about others, and sometimes obsessive. All of those things could easily provide the interest you're showing in children.

Here's my suggestion: make sure the obsessional thinking is being thoroughly treated first, and then make a fresh decision. You seem to know that "testing" during an obsessional peak period isn't very useful in convincing you, and generally doesn't convince anyone who obsesses. It just gives you new things to doubt; it's the thinking process involved in doubting that's over-active in the first place.

Are you on any medications? Perhaps they need to be adjusted as you get older (such things often do.) Have had, or are you in, some kind of talk therapy? That would be a safe place to explore your thoughts out loud with someone who isn't going to judge you.