Paedophilia, chemical castration, and various questions and thoughts.

[Anon1992]

I would like to apologise in advance for any potential ramblings, I've hardly slept these past 48 hours.

Life as a law-abiding paedophile has been quite inconvenient. I have been surrounded by children (mostly family) for a majority of my life, and being sexually attracted to some of them makes for some fairly frustrating situations. I'm 22 years old (my 1992 in my name should be 1991, I blame my laptop keyboard) and I've recently moved out and gotten my own place in Denmark. I've had sexual attractions to pre-pubescent boys for as long as I've had sexual attractions, and close contact or seeing them lightly-dressed is all that it takes to pop a full-blown erection that's hard to get rid of. I've been fairly good at hiding it, nobody suspects a thing, but it's not been easy. For example, I used to love swimming when I was younger, but that hasn't been an option these past 10 years. Same goes for a lot of physical contact with children (messing around, sitting on my lap etc.(Nothing sexual)) Hell, I can't even use a urinal in fear of who could potentially decide to take a leak next to me.

Otherwise I'd consider myself quite solid, psychologically. My childhood was a bit on the rough side, but that's past me, and I haven't suffered from any mental issues since I was a child. (Well, apart from you know what)

Of course the internet hasn't helped. Despite being a nihilistic anti-theist paedophile whose demise half the world would cherish, while the other half would be indifferent, I surprisingly enough care about people, to the extent where child pornography (abuse) doesn't interest me. Not sickening as in it makes me feel horrible, but I take no joy in observing it. The discovery of online nudism, on the other hand, hasn't been one of my proudest moments. Many nights have disappeared just looking through the endless galleries.

But most of all, I want to get rid of the fantasies. They're entirely harmless and at this stage don't cause me any moral qualms anymore, but it's not my actions I fear, I don't fear living out my fantasies. I'd sooner kill myself than force myself upon a child (And I love living), but the thought of someone finding out who I really am is what keeps me up at night. My family and friends mean everything to me, and I know for certain that I'd lose them if anyone ever found out. I want normality, I want to take my brothers swimming, I want to go to the beach and enjoy the sun without perverted urges, and one day, I'd even like children of my own. I'm not sexually attracted to women's bodies, but I like the company of women, and the idea of a relationship with a woman is one that has intrigued me for years, but I don't see it happening the way things are now. I purposely keep to myself whenever I can help it. Online I've established a near-sociopathic personality, and I seem to have a gift for it, 'cause thousands would recognise my aliases. Calling people out on bullshit (pardon my french) isn't exactly what I'd like to be remembered by.

- - -

And that all leads me to the idea of chemical castration. I recently discovered what that actually means (bloody misleading name, chemical "castration"), but there seem to be limited resources on the subject online. Most articles on the subject stereotypically confuse paedophilia with child molestation, and typically focus more on whether it's morally righteous to force child molesters to receive the treatment, and they do so in such a tone that you almost have to wonder "why would you possibly volunteer for this?" I've visited Eunuch.org, but their entire 7 threads on the subject aren't exactly a thriving encyclopædia of knowledge. I plan on eventually crossposting a majority of this post on their forums, along with probably posting it to a forum focusing more on the medical aspect (more perspectives = better, right?)

I haven't enjoyed masturbation in several years. It feels like a sub-conscious burden to me, one that I have little control of. It's not that I feel any guilt, orgasms just aren't enjoyable, and seem entirely arbitrary. I know damn well that I will never have sex with a child despite what I've schemed in my fantasies in the many late nights, so the thought of simply losing all interest in sexuality just by taking a pill or a shot has been dominating my mind these last few weeks. Sexually, it seems to me I've got nothing to lose, and if it doesn't work out, it's not permanent, right?

So how do I go about this? At this stage, any thoughts and advice, on anything at all, would be greatly appreciated. I've got many questions, so if you know the answers to any of them, please share your thoughts.

I'll try to list them.

a) First of all, should I do it? It's obviously my own choice, but success/failure stories would help with that decision.

How would I go about starting this process? Again, I live in Denmark, so it's probably outside of your area. Who should I talk to, and how, and what kind of confidentiality can I expect (Tried looking that up in Danish, didn't have much luck. Will try again after much needed sleep)

c) Would I, after a period of (X) weeks of treatment, be able to once again walk into a communal shower with the certainty that I wouldn't get an unwanted erection, as opposed to the certainty of getting one previously? Would I be able to normally interact with children without a desire to have sex with them?

d) If I were to go through with this, which drugs? I've read about Androcur, Depo Provera, Spirotone and a few others. How likely are the side-effects of whichever drug is preferable, and how severe? Two common ones that caught my eye were swollen breast tissue and a decline in liver function. If any of those two were to happen, how severe would/could they be, and would they be reversible? The financial aspect isn't an issue.

e) Alternatives to Chemical Castration all-together?

f) If all sexual drive is lost, would wet dreams become more common? Throughout my life I've only ever had one.

Well, that quickly became a wall of text. I'm gonna try to catch some sleep and look back here whenever I wake up. If anything in this post doesn't go hand in hand with the forum rules, well, not much I can do, as the link to the rules gives a 404 error.

[malign]

Yup, and that's down to me, because I haven't written them yet. ;-)

I don't know anything useful about chemical castration, so my answering at all might be a waste of your time. But ... I have talked to a number of people who self-identified as pedophiles (whether they were or not is another question), which at least gives me a perspective, I hope.

First off, I wonder what you hope to gain from chemical castration. I guess it would prevent you from responding when showering with children. But you're not really going to be able to explain yourself any better to family and friends, though you might reduce the risk of them guessing your attractions from your reactions. And I doubt it would touch your fantasies at all, just the physical manifestation. On the other hand, I would guess it would eliminate rather than increase wet dreams, which are the result of the normal arousal and ejaculatory response, just while you're asleep.

So I would guess it would depend which part of your response you wanted to remove. Too, you mentioned that you're not interested in women sexually, but given your preference for boys, it seems relevant to ask about any interest in adult men? The vast majority of your questions are better answered by a medical doctor, and obviously, that's the place to start if you seriously want to begin the process.

Otherwise, I don't think it's bad to be known for calling out bullshitters. It just may not be the life you want ... It's interesting that a self-described nihilist would care about, as opposed to expecting, the world's indifference ... Could that be to some extent part of the protective persona you've cultivated? Most of us want to be loved, in some way. Sex is at most a part of that, not all.

[Strawberrypam]

I would try therapy and see how it goes. I am sure a therapist would know what to say and how to help you. Since you are attracted to males I say maybe try dating young men, I guess 18 or around that age. Here in the USA there are plenty of gay older males that usually date very young men, like a 40 something year old with a 18-21 year old young man. I always wonder if a person that is attracted to children can compensate by dating a young adult that looks very young almost child like... Would this help you or would you be attracted to a person that looks very very young?