Depressed for too long

[Mava]

Life is pretty hard, I have been thinking it is that way because so I can appreciate the good times. Somehow I feel like by dying I would set myself free from all the troubles and things that torment me everyday. This thought has been with me for a long time stuck to me as the final and glorious solution. I have taken so many so many pills and go to therapy for too long, psychiatric hospitals once and it was useless. I spent a couple of years taking classes that I like and trying to meet people and make friends, but people can be cruel and most don't care or don't wanna deal with it. I am alone I feel lost I am hurting.

I don't wanna fake a smile, or lie anymore I feel stuck. I don't know how to break free my family is so judgmental I don't wanna be a hotshot with a lot of money I just wanna be happy. every time I talk to them, I feel like they take all the hope away from me... I don't wanna turn out like my parents hating a job the have been in for 30 years and being married to someone who one can't stand. It doesn't matter what I say they don't listen all the want is to be what they want me to be. I feel like I still can make my own way, but I have been trying but isn't working I always fall into the same spot. Maybe I'm trying to blame someone for my pathetic life...? by now I have try so many thing I don't know what to do but to gave in... maybe I'll get some hope later and search again for a sparkle of light, I feel empty.

[LaLa]

Hello, Mava, welcome!

I'm sorry your family is so derogatory and doesn't offer the support and understanding you need... They haven't given you any positive example of how to live and how to relate to each other in a healthy way, so there's no wonder you're so struggling . I know the feeling that suicide would be "the way"... It can be very tempting. Yet I can see a part of you still wanting to live. Thanks to this part, you've reach out for help, you tried treatments, as well as you came here to share your feelings and receive at least some understanding. We do understand that it's been very hard for you (I'm sure I can say this also for others who'll read it). And you may share more about your life and troubles and feelings and wishes, there will always be somebody to listen (although we often don't reply very soon).

For how long have you been in therapy? Or you're not anymore? Have you tried different therapists, different approaches? What were the problems you encountered, what didn't work?

If your family listened to you, what would you want them to understand (the most)?

Hold on, there's always a chance to overcome depression. There surely are some (healthy) coping strategies you haven't tried yet and some therapists you could meet in a useful encounter.

Take care!

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, Mava.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad and depressed. It must be so difficult to be struggling and not have the support of your family.

I hear your discouragement and sadness, Mava. I am listening. Would it help to talk more about it?

I also wonder if you are still in therapy? If you are, would you consider reaching out to your therapist now? You can always keep expressing yourself here too. We are here.

Take care.

[Mava]

I have been in therapy for about three years and half now, fluoxetine for five years and methylphenidate for one year, between this time I have been in and out of other meds like abilify, seroquel and others for about 5 years. But very little has changed that makes me wonder if things really get better. Oh my parents listen but then they just forget or try to change my mind, but what upsets me is that I am so weak that every single thing breaks me up and takes me awhile to recover

My therapist is a very nice lady very pushy too, but I have a big issue that she doesn't get: I have a very hard time settling because I don't wanna turn out like my parents their life are so miserable they hate their jobs and they fight with each other all the time, my mom doesn't let my dad touch her anymore.

I went for professional help when I graduated from high school because I got some space from my parents or so I think... you see I tried to kill myself when I was about 12 and they took me on a vacation and it was like nothing happened, pretending everything was fine. A couple of years ago I tried again when I was discharged form the hospital I was sent to the psychiatric war when i got out they told me that I didn't have to worry about anything because they wouldn't tell anyone.

I am trying to set free from them emotionally most of all, but it is so hard when things that you work hard on failed and the paths that you follow have a dead end, most of all when all my hope has dried out and I can't move and the only moment that gives me relief is the sunset when it is time to go to bed because I don't have to deal with anything

I have been planting dreams with my therapist , working on goals but i really need strength and I don't know how to feel it

[LaLa]

I can relate to the feelings when one fails and follows paths with dead ends, ... not knowing how to settle new and more promising goals, ... It's hard to say what would make one going on, because it's so individual, but... maybe the desire to find out something helpful, to achieve some change for better might be almost universal? ...

You say your T doesn't get one big issue - that sounds important. But I wander how does it "look like" that she "doesn't get it". Because... maybe she understands it well, just her words seem confusing to you because she tries to "disagree" and show you some other points of view, doesn't want to "confirm" your feeing that it's probable that you'd turn out like your parents. Because it's true that we are influenced by our family, but also that we can arrange our life according to ourselves, mainly when we are well aware of the things we want to avoid - and when somebody is even in therapy, there's even a much bigger chance that more awareness and understanding will help to prevent copying the parents' "lifestyle"/mistakes...

Your parents obviously had hard time coping with your suffering and so they, it seems, denied it to a considerable extent - mainly to themselves! It's easier to deny painful truths than to cope with them. I'm sorry they didn't really try to cope and haven't been helpful to you...

What kind of therapy are you in? Have you been learning some techniques to gain more psych. strength, more control over your emotions? ...

Take care!