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I am so confused- POCD or pedophile? Very long


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Ok so let me start from the beginning 'ish'. When I was 13, by this time I was thinking about becoming sexually active, and "wanting" to lose my virginity, puberty began for me when I was 10, also I was getting active with doing drugs, etc. By the time I met my first partner, I was doing cocaine at 13. I met him when some people I had met went to pick him up and do coke with him. what not, the memory is a little hazy.

I was at this time, ran away from home. I believe everyone was under the impression that I was 15 or 16. Anyways, me and this guy hit it off immediately. I felt a strong attraction to him, and not just physically but we connected emotionally. I have never felt like I was forced in to anything, and I was given the opportunity to back out before we had sex. As a run away usually goes, I didn't have anywhere to stay, I decided to stay with this guy, we'll just call him Charlie, who was living with his Uncle at the time. He was 21 years old, just out of the military. Anyways, we began the relationship, and of course my parents were looking for me, everyone was telling him he needed to leave me, once it came out the next day that I was 13.

Eventually I ended up back at my parents house, and he still persued the relationship. I can't remember how many other times we were hooked up, but I do know I ran away agan, but anyways, he would write me letters, and one day showed up on my walking route to school. I told him to leave me a lone that it was over, and that I couldn't do this because it hurt my family, etc. (I am leaving out a lot here, but just feeling in the important relationship and sexual issues).

When I was in juvenile detention at one point, I had someone come talk to me to ask if I was raped, if he forced me etc. I said no, I did not feel taken advantage of, I liked him, in fact felt that I loved him, and didn't ever feel taken advantage of or that it wasn't my choice. I still to this day feel that way, except I have OCD, so it complicates things and makes me question this.

I had sexual experiences with other kids my age, when I was younger, and before all the drugs started. We were all the same age, but I remember stopping that behavior when I was like 12 I guess, and feeling a little violated by it. Probably because it was the same sex, and I am not a lesbian, although I have worried about that as well. I asked the person I used to mess around with about it, and she doesn't know why or when it started either. I do remember being aware of sex at that point, and even asking other people to try experiences (like my same age step cousin, and same aged friend, although it kind of grosses me out and I wish I never would have experienced in that way.)

So basically I was doing drugs, running away from home, skipping school, fighting with my parents, sometimes even it would turn physical, i was stealing and doing drugs. Just your all around thug, and I severely regret that period of my life also. I feel so much guilt that I treated my parents in that way and of all the time wasted on stupid shit. After my first sexual relationship, I kind of was loose with sex, I would have sex with people when I was high (either men around my age or older. It was always older guys, and I liked the thought of the dominating factor during sex, the male energy, whatever you want to call it) Just basically regretful that I slept with people just to do it, and people that I didn't even like for that matter, or care about really. People that were just using me for the moment, or because I was too high to say no.

So fast forward to 17 years of age, just turned 17, and I came in to contact with Charlie once again, by getting his number from and acquaintance. I was happy to hear from him, and lo and behold, he was doing the same drug I was, meth. Anyways, I ran away from home when I was 17, and actually from that point never went back. Let me start by telling you that although my parents are alcoholics, I have not had a particularly bad life, I actually had a pretty good home life, and grew up middle class. I eventually got a ride out to see him, and we began hanging out, and I was staying with him. Basically for the next year, our life consisted of stealing from places (stores) to get money and drugs for hotels.

We were a couple since then, in and out of jail a few times, and living on the streets, and in hotels when we could get one, doing drugs, etc. Not talking to our families, what not.

I just want to note, yes I thought sex felt good at times, but I was not a person who would say I "needed" it, or that I desired it, just that I did it mostly because that was what my partner wanted to do. Even to this day I don't have a very high sex drive. (diagnosed with bi polar when I was 13 and depression, and also OCD when 18) I think certain activities in sex are violating, and I just feel a general sense of uneasiness about sex, and also downed people mentally for saying that "needed" or "wanted" sex, couldn't go any longer with out it, because I felt that it wasn't that important. I did enjoy some sex, but for the most part just did it when being in the moment with one of the men I've slept with.

I would also like to add that I have been somewhat of a "prude" from what I've been called, and shy and self concious. Not sure if that has anything to do with lack of sex drive, but that is also a factor even to this day, being self conscious, and anxious, etc.

It is really hard for me typing this, because I don't want to talk about my history with sex, nor partners I have had, since I am married, and love my husband.. next shocker. The husband I have now, is in fact Charlie, I ended up marrying him, and I love him so much, and want him to be happy. So anyways, come 18 years old, and we moved in to a trailer with his dad or just got out of prison. His dad was going to church. I started going with him, we kicked the drugs, me first and then later Charlie. I became a Christian, and did consider myself spiritual, although I have backslid considerably and don't go to church at this time.

We moved in on our own, and eventually Charlie got a very good job, and shortly after we moved on our own, I became pregnant with our first child. Let me tell you that once I became pregnant, this is when my OCD started becoming noticeable. Except at this point my OCD was not intrusive thoughts or morbid thoughts, but about contamination.

It wasn't your run of the mill normal fear about germs, but I would experience doubts about whether I touched something dirty, would catch a disease, whether I did this or that, and it severely started effecting my life, not to mention my hands became raw chapped and bleeding from so much washing. This continued on until I was 20 or 21 or so. I also was drinking, and so was my husband, so that cause a lot of problems, and I was off and on my medicine, basically I was living a clean life, but obviously I just was better off with no mind altering substances, because my husband and I did get in a lot of physical fights as well as emotional, and I wasn't the best mother i could be because of my anxiety and OCD issues, which was untreated. I also severely regret this, and wish I could have been the best mother I could be from the start.

Anyways, fast forward to me finding out in 2010 I was pregnant with my second child. I instantly went off my medicine I had a few months ago started, with out consulting a doctor, and that I guess is what caused my next OCD episode to occur. I started having fears that while I had been drinking in my past, that I had cheated on my husband. Even days when I was not drinking, I would fear I had cheated on my husband, or just seeing someone could start the endless mental ritual of whether or not I had slept with them. I was asking people calling them up, people i hadn't talked to in YEARS asking if we ever slept together, and if they remember x, y and z. Just calling everyone and asking, drilling them to answer my OCD questions, and the doubt was insatiable.

We moved closer to Charlie's work and I was about idk 3 months pregnant at the time?? I started getting thoughts once we moved, what if I had ever let anything happen to my son, due to carelessness, or worse because I... idk,.. basically I started looking in to my past to question whether or not my son had ever been sexually molested, or whether I had allowed it on purpose or by accident. These thoughts were very distressing to me because I LOVE my son. I always have, and suddenly the thoughts became whether I had ever harmed him in that way, and that was so scary even more scary then the other thoughts, and the cheating and contamination thoughts stopped. These thoughts trumped every other fears.

Soon the thoughts turned in to what if I just did something, and I started getting intrusive sexual thoughts about my child, and that is when it really became pure hell, because I was his main caregiver, and being around him in the same room I would be mentally reviewing just moments ago what I thought, and where I was at, where my son was at, trying to figure out if I had just sexually molested my child. I told my fears to a therapist, my husband, mom, aunt and grandma in law. They all agreed it was my OCD, and my husband even laughed about it, and the therapist was sure it was my OCD. But I was so doubtful..\

Anyways, fast forward through CPS being called, and me leaving home to live with my mom and step dad for a few months, and fighting with my husband, me not being able to be around my son alone, with out a trusted person in the room, and then eventually I moved back home, and eventually before my son was born, the CPS charges were dropped and everything started to calm down. (The therapist is the one who wrote a letter to CPS stating it was my OCD btw, I also saw another therapist per CPS requesting this part of the plan).

Anyways, I also would like to add when I first came back home, I was still doubtful of myself, and paranoid that I would act on my thoughts, despite the fact that i was losing weight due to depression and anxiety, and all I wanted to do was sleep, because I was afraid of the thoughts. I actually had my husband buy handcuffs and a chain and I would have him chain me to the bed at night, to make sure I couldn't go anywhere with out "realizing" it, or to give me ultimate reassurance. Keep in mind I was probably 6 months or so pregnant at this time as well. I just was so afraid I would do something I would regret, and that I would hurt my child. I was so afraid.

Anyways, I had my second child, and had intrusive thoughts still, but at this point I had been put back on meds, and was able to be around my kids, with out anyone around, and KNOW for sure that I hadn't done anything or that it was my OCD. Anyways, I'm getting tired of typing, but I'm just going to quickly wrap this up, but again I am back to being worried I am a pedophile, this has been off and on since I was pregnant, my son is now 2, and I still have to analyze my thoughts, seek reassurance. I am straining my marriage, and worried about my true intentions.

I also have intrusive thoughts about other kids, and notice that I feel stronger fear about my intrusive thoughts towards younger female children. I guess I sometimes have groinal response, I have never looked at child porn, but at barely legal lesbian porn, and I have also questioned whether I am a lesbian, although emotionally the thought of being with a woman is really gross to me. I think women have more interesting bodies, and I can admit there is some attraction to certain females (women) that are perfect (ie celebrities) but I do not identify with being lesbian or bi and I actually fear that as well. Anyways, this has not been often i've looked at the porn, just a few times I can recall, but never any child porn or anything like that, and I have no desire to. Infact I don't want these thoughts/urges/feelings at all (I call them intrusive because they don't match what I want in my life, and I would consider them a part of OCD, hopefully you guys can understand what I am trying to say because that is making me anxious and feeling like I need to explain in detail what I mean.)

Anyways, I have all sorts of detailed questions about my thoughts POCD, but the main subject with out all of the details is whether I actually am a pedophile, or whether I am just afflicted with intrusive obsessive thoughts, and that my sexuality is no in danger, and that I am in fact not a pedophile, but just suffering with OCD. I'm just so confused, and for now I am tired of typing, so I hope that this can be enough for you guys to give me some good feedback. Thanks.

Also I want to add that I video record myself on a daily basis to make sure that I am not acting inappropriately.

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Just a guess?: the amount of detail you felt necessary to include is one way to gauge how much time you spend thinking about this.

Are you in treatment for OCD? That would be one place where you could get some feedback on your behavior, or on your interpretation of your behavior. I'm curious how you go about reviewing the videotape. Do you expect to have a different opinion about your actions when you view them on tape later, or are you expecting to have blanked some actions out of memory entirely?

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I don't know. I guess what I am doing is trying to erase all doubt that something happened, if I get a thought, and start rehashing my memory to see if I acted on the thought, which can be a very stressful process. I just guess it is easier to record myself and then look back on it if needed.

I used to not actually go back and review the recordings, just felt good knowing they were there if needed. I have recently started looking over my recordings, whether briefly going through them or looking at the whole thing, mostly just skimming through, but I have become upset, almost in a rage when they are deleted on purpose by my husband or on accident, and I become very upset and have to mentally review the situation to make sure I am correct on how everything happened.

Idk, I just want my life to be normal, but it is anything but because I can't even be in the same room with my kids with out recording, it makes life so hard, because obviously it's a little weird when a person goers around video recording themselves doing typical things like grocery shopping, and dr.'s appts. So for the most part I try to avoid these unless my husband is with me.

Also I was in treatment for OCD, due to the sensitive nature of my intrusive thoughts, I felt it would be best to work with a specialist, but unfortunately I can't afford it anymore. So I am stuck with my endless O's and C's and looking stuff up on the internet, and getting advice.

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Did the treatment give you any tools that you can use on a daily basis?

My understanding is that quite a bit of the therapy they use involves distraction techniques, and sometimes cognitive techniques that try to change a person's thinking. Are there any exercises from therapy that you maybe haven't been using?

Have you looked into whether you can get your meds from social services in some way, if you can't afford them? (What's available will depend on exactly where you live.)

I also wonder if there's any other source of stress, or out-of-control-ness, that has come into your life around the same time as your OCD got worse. It might help to try to minimize that stress, if possible.

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  • 2 years later...

I suffer from a very similar situation. I keep remembering terrible things that I've done. No. I've not hurt anyone. But still. My situation is different from yours, but mentally, we're going through the same thing. I can assure you however, that you are NOT a pedophile. How? Simply because of the way you think. I wish I could tell myself the same thing. Anyway. I suggest you take up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with your therapist. That's what I'm doing currently. And don't skip your medication. Get your right dosage prescribed and take them regularly. Take care of yourself. And on a personal note, avoid the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. They mess up with the brain. Take care. 

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