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question from a woman


blossom4792
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Hi,

I was dating someone for almost a year ... it was a beautiful happy relationship but there was no sex. There was traveling, kissing, sleeping together, but ... (We are both divorced, etc., not in high school, ahem). Things seemed very serious, we had planned out the next 6 months in our calendars, met childhood friends and family, all of that ...

Then we had a week alone with no children (we did have a tiny fight, our first, but it wasn't very serious) ... and he came over and said his feelings had plateaued and it was over.

A few experts said it sounded like a very classic "man who is gay and doesn't really know it" and the fact that we had this week alone and he couldn't put off sex was the proof. But then I (eek) heard from one of his ex-girlfriends who said his penis was small "shockingly small" and he really had very little sex drive, and he was so small that she wondered if he got anything out of sex. And he really liked oral on her, never initiated sex, she was always on top ... (she's more aggressive than I am in general).

So I wondered if maybe it sounds like he was worried about "the reveal" and just chose to reject me before I could reject him. I never did anything to indicate I was shallow in that way, but just wondered if that explanation might make sense. And if (if) that is it, is there anything I could imaginably do now to fix things ...

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Honestly, there aren't that many men who are gay and don't know it. Aren't willing to admit it, maybe, is a bigger group. But it is possible that it's something else, like size or size fears.

Too, those fears wouldn't be about your shallowness, or lack of it. If he's already afraid, he won't let reality stop him. {That's fairly normal human behavior, after all.}

Now, if you do care about him, you might be able to contact him and try to discuss whether the feelings really did "plateau". He may be missing you, too, and your indicating that you're still interested could help. I think most of the guys would advise you not to bring up size on your own (no one likes being talked about behind their back), but you could stay focused on just wanting to be together and see what happens. And, there is still the possibility that, having been unable to get beyond his fears once, he may not be able to meet you halfway.

You won't know until you try, though, so I do wish you luck.

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Thank you, I really miss him. He had a previous relationship right before me (not the woman I just mentioned) who broke up with him and really hurt him, so I thought we were moving slowly because of that. I suspected that their break-up might have related to sex, which was why he was waiting, or timid, but I was willing to wait and obviously sex wasn't a dealbreaker, but I just didn't know what was wrong. But they the break up was sudden, one-sided, and hard for me to understand.

Honestly, there aren't that many men who are gay and don't know it. Aren't willing to admit it, maybe, is a bigger group. But it is possible that it's something else, like size or size fears.

Too, those fears wouldn't be about your shallowness, or lack of it. If he's already afraid, he won't let reality stop him. {That's fairly normal human behavior, after all.}

Now, if you do care about him, you might be able to contact him and try to discuss whether the feelings really did "plateau". He may be missing you, too, and your indicating that you're still interested could help. I think most of the guys would advise you not to bring up size on your own (no one likes being talked about behind their back), but you could stay focused on just wanting to be together and see what happens. And, there is still the possibility that, having been unable to get beyond his fears once, he may not be able to meet you halfway.

You won't know until you try, though, so I do wish you luck.

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give it a try.

given that he was recently dumped and that another ex said he's tiny i guess there is a 99% chance hes terrified of you rejecting his size.

but only do this if you are SURE a tiny one wont repulse you.

I have had some nice girls really try to overlook it with me, but simply couldn't...

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jeep,

i understand your indignation.

better than most alas.

but i am not sure us small guys can afford to be so high and mighty.

your logic is impeccable but it wont bring joy.

here is a girl who might be willing to accept his size.

we both know how rare they are.

i would like to see a happy ending for both these people.

as for girls sharing details. 99% do. its life.

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Jeep, in order to enforce the kind of boundaries you're talking about, you'd have to make sure that you had never discussed any woman's physical attributes with other guys ... Or anything else she might consider private, whether or not you knew beforehand exactly what that was. My ex-wife, for instance, practically forbade me from talking about her to anyone when she wasn't there, because she was so afraid of being criticized. But then it was as if the relationship wasn't mine, too ...

You'll also notice that the woman you're talking to not only respected the man's boundaries about sex without question, but also still wants to be with him after hearing whatever his ex had to say.

You said she "felt entitled to know something about a man that he didn't choose to reveal" to her. But aren't there all sorts of things you'd want to know about a girlfriend, even if she didn't "choose" to reveal them? For instance, does she drink too much, or do drugs, or sleep around ... Of course, you would take anything you heard as gossip, but it seems unlikely that you wouldn't check them out with her. Besides, what if his choice to conceal this fact is a mistake, based on the assumption that it would matter to her, when it doesn't? No, he's not a child, but if he broke up with her solely out of fear, he may be acting a little like one ...

You've never hoped that some old girlfriend might call you out of the blue and want to at least see you again? She's not stalking him; she's debating whether to contact him again. He still gets to say no.

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Hey Jeep,

I too would apologize if I came across as harsh, or as if there's some sort of score keeping going on.

It's interesting that you wouldn't want to hear from any old girlfriends. Our histories must be quite different (which I guess shouldn't surprise me, because everyone's different.) While I'm not looking to get back together with any of them, there are one or two relationships in my life that ended unsatisfactorily, let's say, from my viewpoint. In a couple of cases, I would at least like to know how the rest of their lives went ... I guess to some extent, this argues that it wasn't entirely my choice that the relationships ended. {Or maybe I'm getting old enough to want to reminisce; I don't know. It's hard to become aware of aging while you're actively doing it.}

I would tend to agree that people's genitals ought to be kept private, and certainly I've never discussed any I've seen with anyone else. That doesn't mean that I haven't heard others doing it, and I'm talking about guys talking to guys about women. Those have never been conversations (or people) I was interested in, but I'm aware that that might be an unusual attitude for me to have. I'm sure in some circles, it's considered normal (which carries no value with it, good or bad. I would just avoid such circles.)

You do say "I wouldn't go and have a chat with her ex", but would you refuse to have any discussion with her ex in which she was mentioned? My impression was that the ex sought out 'blossom', not the other way around.

To me, in the end, it would depend somewhat on how long it's been since the relationship ended. If it's fairly soon, maybe there's a point in continuing to try. It doesn't seem harmful to me to ask the guy if he's sure ... And another factor would be how persistent she has been; if she has already asked him if he's sure, it might be time to stop. But we don't have specifics on those items.

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You both have excellent points.

In my experience girls often talk about the sizes of exes.

Sometimes mockingly or gossiping but also in a sensitive way. Big or small.

I think women are ultra communicative.

I would prefer they were not but I cannot control that.

I'm in no position to be fussy so I personally would overlook this if I found a girl who could overlook my 'issue'.

But I understand others may not agree.

As a guy I would LOVE it if a girl pursued me.

Even if I wasn't in to her, what a compliment!!

I hope it works out. She seems to like him and appears accepting of his problem.

He appears to have rejected her out of fear.

And what a waste.

He may never meet another girl so accepting EVER again, and if he did would not be scared again?

It makes no sense.

I hope she calls him and he takes a leap of faith.

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