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[TRIGGER] How come I feel gray? I don't know how to feel anything


TySky
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How come I feel gray?

I don't know how I feel about anything?

I don't really know how I feel anymore. Everything is just gray, and I don't know how I'm feeling inside. I don't really feel anything most of the time. I just exist. Alive but not living I'm not particularly sad or angry or anything, just really "gray". I've seriously thought about suicide before not attempted but almost, but I haven't done it because I was scared. That was a long time ago like 3 years ago. I feel like Im lost in a state of mind. I dont know who I am. Its sad really. Im seeing a doctor but I still feel this way. My behavioral doctor said that I have "chronic unspecified depression" (I dont know what that is) but he prescribed me Bupropion (Wellbutrin) and ive been taking it for 2 years now. I use to take Setraline (Zoloft) but the sid effects were bad so now Im taking Buspar and Bupropion. I feel a tad bit better but only a little bit! Most of the time I feel nothing really and if not I feel negative. The only thing ive notice that makes me happy or upbeat is the music on my playlist and movies thats it.

I dont know if its my ADD though the reason why Im feeling nothing in my head 90% of the time!

Otherwise Im unmotivated and not really interested in alot of things like as in careers.

I kind of want to read my journal since my last visit but its not pretty and im embarrassed.

IDK why but I HAVE NOT consider doing this because Im afraid of blood and pain but Im very scared of the sight blood I turn away anytime I see it in person or on TV but sometimes. I dont want to do this either but I see images of myself (in my head) cutting myself with a knife. Again I DON'T want to do this but when I see a knife I sometimes have an image in my head of me doing this. I wonder what thats all about? Does that mean I want to do it in my subconscious mind? Now I havent told my doctor about Ill feel like a psycho!

The only "self harm" Im doing and had been doing is scalp picking my head it relieves me have doing it since I was like 10 or 11 but anyways it cuts the anxiety for me but there are negatives you can have hair loss and your scalp could be damaged with scarsfrown.gif I still do it but Im trying to stop. I thought about putting gloves on my hands but I think it looks weird on me!

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"I have "chronic unspecified depression" (I dont know what that is)"

Basically, the doc's saying that neither does he.

But feeling gray is a pretty good description of how good feelings seem to drain away during depression. Sorry to hear that you're going through that.

{I added a trigger warning because sometimes descriptions of self-harm, even if it's not something you're actually doing, can trigger others. Overall, it's better not to be too descriptive, but you didn't exceed any bounds.}

Thinking about self-harm doesn't necessarily mean that you want to do it, any more than that dream about showing up naked at work or school means that you want to do that. It's just a thought; you choose whether to act on it or not. Personally, I'd tell your therapist/doctor whatever you think they would find useful. Are they managing you with only medication, or do you have someone that you talk to, as well? Medication can only do so much, and then it helps to have someone to talk to.

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Welcome to our community, TySky.

Are you actively seeing a talk therapist right now?

You might be having these thoughts simply because you want to feel better? These actions won't help you in the long run, but maybe you can take the cue of these feelings to the extent that you are able to, in a healthy way... You are reaching out here, for example :)

This site has a lot of information to browse through if doing some reading is helpful for you: http://www.mentalhelp.net/

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Cutting is not worth it take it from someone who has done it and continues to fight wanting to do it. It is literally addicting. People really do look at you like you are psycho when they see it, they don't show understanding, it isolates you even more if anything which just makes you feel worse.

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