Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Confessions


verita
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

I'm a 19 year old girl from Canada, and I’m a sociopath.

I am not a classical victim of child abuse. Rather, I think I am the victim of watching my parents, whom I worshipped, be tricked and deceived by those closest to them, countless times. Since I was about 4 years old I noticed that the world was a cold and selfish place to live in, and as I got older, this idea was reinforced. I’d witnessed my parents become crippled by their own undying need to be kind and thoughtful. The idea of a “God” completely abandoned me by age 8.

Growing up, I was always the blunt, loud one. Barely shy, always confident, always honest, whether it was direct or indirect. I always took command in groups, and made most of the decisions for my friends. It was easy for me to charm anyone I wanted to, whether it be my teachers, friends or parents. However, I would always say or do rash things that made people say "why would you say that? or do that?" I could never understand why. I lost a few friends because of this, but I didn't really care. The only opinion I ever cared for was the a general consensus that I was "hilarious", "so damn smart", or "hot". You could say I'm a bit shallow and materialistic, but I'm aware. I'm naturally competitive and my need to be "on top" has never changed.

Who am I now? I’m still that pretty, popular girl, with more friends around her that she can count. I’m the spoiled girl who gets everything handed to her and has never had to work a day in her life. I’m also the smart girl who you go to ask questions about your homework. If you met me, you’d probably like me. You could say my life is near perfect.

But no one, except those with an inkling of it, know what I am now; a master manipulator, alien to emotion, and practiced architect of deceit. Life to me is a TV drama. I use that analogy because like a drama, there is always something happening in my life. I’m impulsive, and many of my friends say I’m reckless. I hate being bored, and crave constant stimulation.

I love attention; in fact, it’s probably one of the only things that keep me going. I’m always talking to several men at a time, who never find out about each other. I’ve never had an official boyfriend, as that would limit my choices to one. I’ve talked to several guys while they’ve been in serious relationships, but I honestly do not care. The feeling of having utter power & control over someone’s heart just makes me glow.

I have a few close friends, who I feel like are weaker individuals themselves. They depend on me as support in a way, but I guess I rely a bit on them too. Whenever I need money, a ride or someone to gossip with for fun, they're always there. To them, I'm just innocent but bubbly, little Verita (not my actual name, by the way). Most of the friends I make end up distancing themselves from me because of the “games” I play with them and others, but I can’t help but laugh, why do you care enough to spend your energy talking to me about it? If someone pisses me off enough, I leave without a word, no matter how close of a friend it is. It's not that I play games with them, I just manipulate them to make them do what I want.

In terms of emotions, I don’t have a wide array of them. I see them as a weakness. I’m rarely sad, only enraged. I don’t cry, I simply fantasize about killing the person who tries hurting me. My greatest joys come from, again, power, and sexual lust. I also smoke marijuana regularly and drink often, they enhance my thinking, in a sense. I was actually under the influence of Mary Jane when I chose to join this website.

Apparently, the feeling I would perceive to be love, is just infatuation. I’m eternally infatuated with my family, a few close friends, and occasionally a boy of my choice, and I would do near anything for these people. I get angry and irritated very quickly, and can sometimes make hasty decisions based upon these emotions. I once made one of my best friends suicidal. Deep down, I didn't care if he ever died, but as a person, I knew I couldn't let anything that extreme happen on my account, so I helped him.

I don’t feel guilt or regret, and I feel like nothing is ever my fault. I always find a way around peoples’ judgment. I have no problem lying to family or friends if it benefits me. It’s very easy for me to take a step into others’ shoes. I can understand the reasons behind others’ emotions very quickly, and use this information to bend and manipulate people. It takes almost all of my energy to act sad, or act like I care about someone’s misfortunes, but I can do it with incredible precision.

I do not have an insatiable blood lust, nor a burning desire to destroy human life; on the contrary, I long simply to control it. The only time I fantasize about killing is when I’m angry. I would have no problem taking a life, but at this point, I can't see any rational need to do so, unless someone pisses me off enough. I may lack a moral compass, but I am extremely analytical. I do not care about the law, but I’m aware of the consequences I can face because of it.

I always knew I was different, but it took me a while to figure out exactly why. I’ve fascinated by serial killers and the idea of psychopathy since I was a child. The more I learned about the idea of “hiding in plain sight”, the more I saw myself in those notions, and that is what had led me here.

Honestly, I know I can go far in life, (but apparently one of the characteristics of a sociopath is "unrealistic goals", so maybe I'm just crazy). I'm currently in the second year of my undergraduate degree, and I plan to go into medical school after that, mostly for the money and stability of the job. I know that I can force myself to tolerate people, pretend I care about their ailments, and give them my honest, rational opinion, and thus be a good physician; the only part I'm uncertain about is that burning feeling of knowing how different I am. I didn't choose to become this, and end up losing my regard for others. I know the difference between good people and bad people, but I'm no longer able to share their gratitude, or care whether they get it. My logic is there, but my heart is not, so I think it balances out a bit.

I’m not asking for pity, on the contrary, I feel rather blessed with this gift of nonchalance. The hardest part is dealing with the fact that I'm forever a coral snake, living amongst king snakes, and utterly feeling like an alien. I don't know whether I should talk to someone close to me about this yet, and let someone in on my world.

Thank you for reading.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That was quite a long bit of writing for someone who's completely nonchalant.

Interestingly, the king snake benefits from mimicking the color pattern of the venomous coral snakes. So it's less that the coral snakes are hiding among the king snakes, but in a way, it's the other way around.

I assume you're self-diagnosed? You mentioned that the worst part is the feeling of alienation; would you have any interest in changing anything about yourself to reduce the distance between you and others, or is it more that you're trying to find others of like mind?

Our basic purpose is as a support site. I hope it won't be irritating if folks try to offer you something you're not seeking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

lol thanks for the replies,

@malign i came to this website because it seems that there's lots of support sites for people who have suffered at the hands of sociopaths/psychopaths, but not many resources exist for the sociopaths themselves. some may say we don't deserve the help but we, too, face strains like everyone else, just in a different way.

yes i guess i am just trying to look for someone like myself, it would be nice to be close to someone who understood me.

and yes i am self-diagnosed but i'm a extremely busy full-time student and wouldn't waste my time writing something this long about a situation that doesn't exist. i have received vague psychiatric help for some of the feelings of alienation i've felt in the past, but as i said, i haven't fully opened up to anyone about what i think i am. this was kind of a last resort just to vent out what i'm experiencing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...