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I messed up and now I'm in Mexico


changomonk
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I'm at a point where I really don't know what I should do next. I don't have anyone I can talk to who's opinion I'd trust, so complete strangers will have to do.

I'm depressed and suffer from pretty intense social anxiety. I like to think I'm intelligent and I often come up with great ideas/projects but I never follow them all the way through. I procrastinate and simply don't do the things that don't interest me. I have no regard for the feelings of others and will use people for my own benefit. I know what these symptoms point to but I'm not one to self diagnose, so I wont. I have however been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and perscribed medication.

Now, how the hell did I end up in Mexico when I was living in Canada 2 months ago?

Good question.

I've always been this way, at least since a teenager. The only reason my personality hasn't jumped up and bit me in the ass is because I've lived a cushy life. Up until a few years ago I lived at home with my mom and my brother. My mom did my laundry and cleaned up the house. I worked at a restaurant 5 nights a week, and didn't have to spend money on rent or utilities. I smoked weed and chilled out at home. No stress, no responsibility, no complications.

I was able to get away with this lifestyle until 24, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and died 20 days later. In that time I had to pack up and sell her house, fight off my dad who tried to swoop in and take things that were "sentimental" to him, which is another way of saying "worth money".

I ended up getting a girlfriend just before the mom thing went down and her and I rented a house together after my mom died. She was a terrible girlfriend, but I needed a new mommy. I wasn't ready to get thrown into the world of taking care of myself and there was someone that could do it. That lasted about 2 years somehow, although it was a downhill ride.

My mom had a sign company, which I took over and kept working with her existing clients. It was a home based business with no employees so I managed ok. Eventually business wasnt doing so good and my girlfriend was getting quite mad that I wasnt pulling my weight finaicially. She wasnted me to get a job on the side but I was reluctant. After we broke up, I got a job. She wasn't happy that I waited until then.

This job was at the restaurant I worked at a few years before, and they welcomed me back without any problems. I was able to get two friends to move in a room mates and I had my dog Delilah and a new puppy Gus (girlfriend took 2 of our 3 dogs).

Well, here's where shit goes down...

My girlfriend used to take care of the utility bills, and I payed the rent. When she left I had to put the utilities in my name. For a few months, I didn't pay them at all. If I was threatened by one I'd pay the minimum and let it happen again. My room mates caught on to this and told me they were leaving, in a week... Simultaneously my one client with the sign company, which was 90% of my income pulls out on me. I now only have the restaurant job to rely on.

People at the restaurant, screw it... its Red Lobster... They knew I had depression and was a little "off". One day a fellow employee went berserk on me calling me a "psycho" and "you have to take pills to function" and a lot of other much worse things (his kid has autism too... Yet he felt it was OK to assault someone with a mental problem). I reacted by sending a letter to the district manager asking them to deal with this accordingly. They wrote him and I up both, for having an argument.

An argument...

Needless to say my attitude towards them changed from there in and they found ways to set me up so I would lash out in anger. They fired me shortly after.

For those of you following along at home I now have no room mates, no phone, no internet, no heat, no job and no idea what the hell to do.

I started driving around in my truck picking up scrap metal and recycling it for money. It was enough to keep me and my pups fed but not to pay the rent. I lied repeatedly to the land lord that money was coming and when he finally caught on, he snapped. He threatened to have me out of that house by the next week and he's going to sue me and blah blah blah...

So I sold everything I could, bought a 30 foot trailer and towewd it to my dad's back yard where I stayed for a month with my dogs. I continued doing the scrap thing from there but the problem with no money is that your insurance runs out. The cops caught me, twice... Thats a criminal offence in Canada getting you a mandatory minimum $5000 fine the first time, $10,000 the second. Oh, and say goodbye to my licence. They took my truck too.

So now I'm living out of a trailer in the middle of a small town with no job, no truck, no chance of driving again for a long time, a pissed off landlord who wants to sue me, multiple phone and utility companies out to get me and a $15,000 dollar fine looming above me.

*theres actually a hell of a lot more I could add to this but amazingly this is the slimmed down version!

I knew from that point on I belong to the system. It would only be a matter of time until I was in more trouble because I'm not one for being "controlled".

I took all the gold from my dead mom's jewellery box and sold it for $700 along with some of my stuff. I was going to use that money and flee to Mexico where we have family friends from years before. The only thing that was holding me back was my dogs. I've never felt love before in my life. Not my parents, or girlfriends (especially the one I mentioned), but those dogs.... I cry when they get hurt, I never cry. I give them the blankets when it's cold at night and I shiver...they have fur. I'm tearing up right now just thinking of them...

My dad and his lady friend both fell in love with my dogs so I knew if I left, they'd be in good hands. I couldnt get myself to the point of finding them a new home, it killed me. I had to be a coward and run off and make someone else do it.

Well, my dad noticed the missing jewellery and told me that it was his jewellery because he payed for it (15 years ago, and as a gift...why dont you take back my birthday presents too!). He held me against a wall by my neck and said if I dont leave now he's calling the cops. With one punch I could kill that frail old bastard and it would have been a blast, but I couldnt jeapordize my escape with police intervention, so I stayed calm. I told him I'm going to grab the rest of my stuff I stashed there and leave. He told me if I touch anything else he'll tell the cops I'm stealing it....

In turn, he stole my things...

So it's midnight at this point. I storm back to my trailer and grab two hiking backpacks I have and filled one with clothes, and the other with a book, money, ID, my phone and a jar of my mom's ashes. I cried for half an hour hugging my dogs but all they wanted to do was sleep. I was pissing them off...

I threw my bags on my back and walked 30 KM to a train station, which brought me to toronto where I took a subway/streetcar/bus to get to the airport. I bought a one way ticket to Mexico and within a few hours I was here.

I've now been here 2 months staying with family friends. It's been relatively stress free aside from their 3 kids. I hate kids. Compared to the few months prior to this, it's been a blast. Only problem is, I've overstayed my welcome and they want me to find another place to stay. This means I have to now live illegally here and support myself and pay bills and not get into trouble again. I have a source of income, i'm working from my laptop as a freelance web designer and providing I keep getting clients and stay motivated enough to do the work, it's good money.

My problem lies here...

I don't sleep. I miss my dogs so much. I live in a world where nothing makes me happy and I finally have TWO things that make me feel like life is worth it and I abandon them in the middle of the night. Now that the reality of my situation is setting in I need to make a decision...

Do I stay here and figure shit out, because back home is gonna be worse? Hope that I'll stop being so sad about my dogs it hurts?

Or do I go back, and face the havoc I created? Explain my failure to appear in court (twice) and get my debts consolidated and get things back together there? I could have my dogs back, which could keep me from screwing up because I know how it is to be without them (I know who is taking care of them, it's someone I know).

I'm unable to make clear decisions for myself, impulsivity is my thing. I need somebody else to talk some sense into me and help me figure out what to do. I can't run much longer before it gets the best of me.

Ryan

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Hello, Ryan, welcome!

I guess it would be useful to write a bit more about the two options you have: How do you imagine your life in case of staying and in case of returning? What are the reasons why you'd like to stay and what are the reasons, except for your dogs, that make you want to return?

And; you mentioned social anxiety, but I'm not sure when it started; have you always been like that or it's only severe now?

Take care!

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