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No Idea What I Need


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Hi, I checked if there were guidelines to posting here, but I don't think I've seen anything. Or I might just be blind.

Anyway, I've come here to understand if there's something wrong with me or not. I feel like there is, but a decent portion of the time I'm a pretty stable person. I'm not sure if this is what normal people go through, or if it's a case where something's wrong mentally.

When I was a kid, I was sexually touched by the maid (Girl me, and girl her). I was in 3rd or 4th grade when it started, and it went on for about a year. I know I asked for it because it felt good, and I only recently got it clarified that this classified as sexual abuse. I'm not sure if it's related, by by 6th grade, I was already pretty suicidal and I'd started cutting. Nothing big, just small wounds. I'd be happy some days, but absolutely racked with sadness on others. This cycle's been going on since then, but I've stopped cutting, though a lot of times I can feel a real need to cut.

No one really knows about the whole maid thing. I try my very best to block it out. Even now, it's very hard for me to type out the specifics because I feel so dirty just thinking about it. I've never actually attempted to kill myself, just imagined scenarios while looking at traffic, etc. I feel happy and on top of life a lot of times, but I have these phases where it's really hard to get up because I feel horrendous, and want to cry all the time.

Is this normal? Am I normal?

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Mmm, that's a fair number of questions, and some of them are at cross-purposes with each other ...

If I thought much of the word "normal" at all, I would say you were "normal", and that your reaction is not unusual in the face of a past that wasn't "normal", just far more common than anyone would like.

Yes, what you experienced was sexual abuse, and yes, it felt good physically. The human body is wired for sexual pleasure, and that's something an abuser can take advantage of. The difficulty is that a child in 3rd or 4th grade isn't old enough to handle the emotions that go with sexual activity, which is why society sets a minimum age for maturity. And why what the maid did to you was wrong.

On the flip side, is there something "wrong mentally"? There's nothing defective about you, which is one connotation of "wrong", but it sounds like you hurt enough to want to reach out and try to do something about it. To me, that's something to listen to. Is it a possibility to seek counseling?

I too have spent time fantasizing about suicide, for different reasons. Still, for me it was a cry for help, from me to me, and it didn't stop until I listened.

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