SSDD

[SweetSue]

Life bites. theres no other way to describe it.

Been re-located ...... AGAIN. And I'm a mess ....... AGAIN.

New name, new identity, new life, but for how long this time.

Suppose its my own fault really, I was so darn careful, for so many years ....... I slacked, I was found..... It stinks, I hurt, and sometimes, this being one of those times - crying just dont do it justice, and certainly dont make it all better. Dont know what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to be ........ one things for sure, life is determined not to allow me to be myself.

So I find me back here, to this site, the only place I'm allowed to be me.

Just need some help, a bit of kindness, oh, sheeze I dont know anymore - just need anything!

[IrmaJean]

Dear Sue, it is good to hear from you. So sorry you are hurting.

We love you and accept you. Hope you are okay. Thinking of you.

[malign]

Hi Sue. Welcome back, despite the crappy circumstances.

I would have thought that being found would be the frightening thing, and being relocated would help you feel safe® again. But it sounds like it works differently, for you ... Would it help to tell us what you're feeling?

You're right, though: you're still safe with us.

[SweetSue]

It was a shock being found, funny the years aint changed the way HE looks, recognised him straight away. Had no feelings about that, still dont. Just went into auto pilot and ran like my backside was on fire. The rest of that day last week is still a blur. Things just happened so darn fast. Think I still dont believe it happened, or atleast thats how most of that day feels. Cept ofcourse it did.

And now, huh,

I'm in a strange area, in emergency housing - whilst they investigate and decide where the heck they are gonna put me more perminantly. My life feels like its been frozen in a place it really dont want to be trapped in, and as for my frigging brain cell, Ol' Brainy has just given up and just DGAF anymore, as they are taking over.

I know I need to get help from a P'doc again, but the stupid system in this country wont allow you access to one - unless your registered with a current doctor. Which ofcourse coz of all this - I'm not.

[malign]

Um, that seems like something you could make some noise about. If you can't get your meds (whatever they're for) when you're in protective custody, they have to ask themselves how well they're protecting ...

Do you think he was looking for you, or was it a chance meeting? I ran into my ex once since the divorce, just going out to eat, but then again, she's not dangerous. She came into the place where I was eating dinner alone, got her takeout order, and hurried out. I didn't look up at her, but I'm sure she saw me. It was just ... uncomfortable.

I know they're going to be making a fuss over something like that, but you get to choose whether or not they take over.

[SweetSue]

The police were and are still involved. I'm not in protective custody - as in, locked up - thankfully. Been located to a apartment, which has been secured, and has all the usual panic type alarm thingies that I used to have to live with all the darn time.The usual procedures and protocol. Its just that the area that I've been re-located to, the docs are paper pushers, and wont allow me to register without the correct documents. Even though D.V. team have tried. Either that or they arent taking on new patients - typical.

By 'They' I meant the vultures are taking over. Stupid eh? Been cut right back on my P meds this last 6 months or so, was doing really well in therapy. Now this.

Wasnt a chance meeting. The police told me that he was only released from prison not that long ago. He has contacts. The joys of the financially rich sadistic father he has - he is just determined to find me. And I guess it was in-evitable that he found me. Paybacks a 'B' and he wants payback.

That'll teach me to start relaxing with life - I relaxed, look what happened.

Remember when I were a kid, and got picked on. I said 'you win' to the bullies, and eventually they couldnt hurt me, so they left me alone. Adults arent like kids, they dont play fair

[malign]

I knew who you meant by "they", sweety. We've known each other long enough ... I'm glad you're able to talk about them (it takes some of their power away.)

I would think the Domestic Violence folks would have a pretty large interest in changing his ways of handling anger. For instance, wasn't it a violation of his parole or something to be found near you again?

[SweetSue]

The D.V team is helping me, not him. They are s'posed to be helping me through this. Ha, its a laugh. How the frigg can they help me? How? It just cant happen. They dont know what to suggest. All they come up with are learnt phrases from books or their training. Real llife just isnt like that. People are different. Abusers dont learn how to abuse from books or from attending a course. So what the frigg makes them think they can support me, Im not the damn abuser.

To be fair, my attitude isnt helping me any. I dont trust them, or believe anything the team tell me. Heard it all before. It didnt work then, so it wont work now. Sorry. Im not making sense, head is really going for it the now. Rational thoughts , think yep ita all gonna 'be ok' - Irrational thoughts, are just that Irrational. Think I'm being irrational.

Dont know who to trust, and thats the jist of it all.

Wanna scream that "Its Not Fair" but that wont help any either.

And yeah, it woulda been a violation of his parole, if this had happened like a year ago. His parole has ran out. Now the only thing he is in violation of is thin air. Have to get another court injuntion out on him - once Ive been relocated properly.

[malign]

Well, helping you might mean helping him to a swift kick in the backside, or back to prison.

I know it's hard to trust. The team may have learned some things by experience, even though their experience didn't include the actual abuse. I assume some of them have been doing this for a while now. Sometimes things don't work one time, and then work better the next. But I know that sounds thin to someone trying to survive.

I'm glad you can see the effect of your attitude, still. Do you have access to your old therapist, in any way? For instance, could they rig up a phone contact?

[SweetSue]

Left all my numbers on my mobile - which I no longer have - typical.

Ive had to leave so much stuff behind - again. Cut off all links to the friends I actually finally managed to make etc.

rewind to 2007. Guess I will find me back there. Well thats kinda how its feeling to me at anyrate. Raw.

Will ask when they check in on me later, if they can get in touch with the old 'P' team for me. Or atleast find me a new 'P' team.

|Sorry for being such a woose over this. I mean Ive had to do this before - therefore I can do this again - right?

Forgotten just how painful it a ll is.

[Luna-]

Welcome back, Sue. Nice to see you.

[SweetSue]

Ever feel like just running away - to nowhere percific. Just away. Never come back. Just be gone?

Kinda wish I could run away on a perminant basis, just dissapear from the mess that is going on, the hassle that follows me around worse than a bad smell. But where the frigg can I run to - Im always, ALWAYS found.

Finding this so very difficult to handle.

[malign]

Oh yeah, I've felt that way.

Wasn't the best idea I've ever had, though. One day during my thankfully ended marriage, about eleven P.M., I just started driving on the highway heading west from here. Three hours and a couple hundred miles later, too tired to drive further, I stopped in a motel. Next morning, I had come to my senses and had to drive the three hours back so I could go to work.

Moral: Don't do as I do, do as I say. :-)

A different moral might be to take the desire to run as a message from yourself, but not necessarily the message it sounds like. You're telling yourself that something needs to change. But now you have to use your thinking mind to decide what that change should be.

[Lana73]

How are you feeling today, sweetie? I am so glad you are back and feel safe here.

(((( Sue )))

[finding my way]

SueSue, are you in a safe place? :(

[SweetSue]

I kinda didnt realise just how much I managed to let myself slip - not just emotionally - physically.

Got me a wake up - a big wake up on friday morning - I callapsed, and ended being rushed into A&E. Hadnt eaten in well over a week, and like a fool hadnt realised that I'd barely taken in any fluids either. Add that with the stress of this damned situation, and bingo - my body literally decided it was time to depart itself from my dear Ol' Brainy. Yep, Well done me - not! So I spent a very uncomfortable weekend on a frigging ward, designed to make you all better, when, in reality made you feel ten times worse, coz it was blatently obvious they werent gonna let me forget how ill Ive been getting - and - it was my own damn stupid fault!

Is there even such a thing as a safe place ? Sure I'm safe enough from him - for now - safe enough from myself, well thats another matter entirely

On a bright note, atleast at this rate, I wont have to worry about Peter anymore.

Gotta buck my silly self up, and just get on wiv it I s'pose.

Sounds so frigging easy - who knows maybe it will be.