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Having a breakdown. Long post.


dvnJ22
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My ocd fear of becoming a pedophille has faded and now I have been obsessing over possible masochistic desires. Since I was 11 I've had fantasizes about being tied up by women. They don't happen often and I do like it and experience erections. Now though I am starting to think I'm a masochists. I feel sick, I very been doing research on BDSM to see if I like it.

Recently I have been afraid of developing fetishist. My main fear now is becoming what they call a "cuckhold" someone who likes to watch their partner have sex with another person. it scares the crap out of me. makes me feel sick. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship now, for fear of acting on my fears. Which has been one of my goals - to get a gf and eventually get married. I know people say whats the harm if you do get into this kind of thing? well for me it would harmful and there's no way I could live with myself. I'm having so much fear right now over the thought of this, and it makes me sick. I don't like it, I am afraid of developing the desire in the future.

I feel like I have ruined my life and that I am a masochist. I'm having panic attacks and moments of crying over this. I am so confused, I hate myself. I hate my brain. I need someone to talk to. My therapist is on vacation. I just need someone to tell me its ok.... :(

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Hello, D., I hear you...

I can understand that you obsess about something and it makes you sick and hate your brain. Obsession can be painful and hard to cope with, but it's a disorder. The obsession, not your presumed masochism etc. Do you hate your leg when it's broken? I suppose not. So why do you hate your brain when it's "in disorder"? I know; he causes your pain, panic, anxiety, ... But you can survive it until your brain will be better.

Are there some things that has helped you in past in similar situations? Can you try to focus on something pleasant and not harmful or triggering? Does some music help? ...

Take care!!

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I'm sorry, I hurried to reply while you're on-line and now it seems quite "disorganized" to me :o.

To clarify: I can understand how you feel and at the same time considering your approach (to our brain etc.) and your judgments inappropriate. I've seen it in many others and in myself very often: We blame ourselves, are angry, feel sick etc. - it's typical for these kinds of states - but we're harming ourselves this way, so it's not "good".

Some thoughts to the masochism itself: If you were a masochist (I can't know if it's the case), then it would have reasons and those reasons could be explored and understood in therapy and this (among other things discussed) could help you to cope also with the idea of having such tendencies and fantasies, but possibly also with the tendencies themselves - you might even get rid of them.

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I'm sorry, I hurried to reply while you're on-line and now it seems quite "disorganized" to me :o.

To clarify: I can understand how you feel and at the same time considering your approach (to our brain etc.) and your judgments inappropriate. I've seen it in many others and in myself very often: We blame ourselves, are angry, feel sick etc. - it's typical for these kinds of states - but we're harming ourselves this way, so it's not "good".

Some thoughts to the masochism itself: If you were a masochist (I can't know if it's the case), then it would have reasons and those reasons could be explored and understood in therapy and this (among other things discussed) could help you to cope also with the idea of having such tendencies and fantasies, but possibly also with the tendencies themselves - you might even get rid of them.

I don't have the fantasies very often. But I'm afraid of it growing! I read that therapy doesn't work, I'm so worried that these very light fantasies will grow into deeper, humiliating things - like the cuckholding. Like I said I ruined my life, I want a way out!

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Hi dvn. Sorry you're feeling so much anxiety and stress. :(

Sometimes with obsessive thoughts the pattern of thought is the actual concern rather than what you are specifically thinking and worrying about. Have you been working with this in therapy? When these thoughts pop up in your mind, try not to attach to them if you can.

Are you able to do anything relaxing, such as meditation, listening to music, or perhaps taking a walk? I recall that you find nature peaceful so maybe this would be calming.

I hope you feel better.

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Hi dvn. Sorry you're feeling so much anxiety and stress. :(

Sometimes with obsessive thoughts the pattern of thought is the actual concern rather than what you are specifically thinking and worrying about. Have you been working with this in therapy? When these thoughts pop up in your mind, try not to attach to them if you can.

Are you able to do anything relaxing, such as meditation, listening to music, or perhaps taking a walk? I recall that you find nature peaceful so maybe this would be calming.

I hope you feel better.

Thanks Irma, I am feeling a little better. The problem is I want to know is this a desire or ocd, but of course with ocd I have no clue. I just don't know. I've been doing experiments to see if I get an erection, but I just don't know.

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Your making it out like I it. I don't like, it makes me sick. I am afraid of one day developing the fetish because I think its completely disgusting. However I do feel like movement in groin. Why?

I try with the experiments to see if I like it. I focus on my penis to see if I get an erection, and I feel something, movement, yet I feel disgust. It doesn't feel like I do when I'm horny though. For example looking at a hot girl and then I compare it to the experiments. When I look at the hot the girl I feel lust and desire, when I think about cuckholding I feel lust for the woman but thinking about the guy being with her ruins it. And I feel gross and humiliated and not horny. Does it make sense? Trying to describe how I feel as best as I can.

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Dvn, what you're experiencing is very common in someone being treated for OCD: a switch in the obsession target. Everything you already know about OCD still holds true: no one else can reassure you, testing doesn't work, and so on. Have you practiced any calming measures with your therapist that you can try now?

We do not become someone different from ourselves against our will. So the very fact that you say "never" when people suggest trying it would indicate pretty clearly that you never will.

Please contact whoever handles your medication needs. Even if someone is away temporarily, they will almost certainly have designated another professional to cover for them. You're suffering needlessly, and you need to get someone to help you with that.

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Thing is like I mentioned - I have tendencies for weird stuff, and that's why I'm afraid. I've said I wouldn't even let it get this far and I let it. I don't want it to grow, it has already grown since childhood. Not a lot but a little. I'm trying to not use porn anymore and cutting Internet use. I don't know if that will be enough. I feel though that my life is ruined, I went too far. That's my thoughts.

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There's no such thing as "too far" to come back from. You choose, every day, who to be.

You know that OCD messes with a person's thought process. So, it makes sense to seek out other people's opinions, and by that I mean professionals, not random folks on the internet (including me.) Everyone's got an opinion, and quite often it's an opinion that serves their own interests.

Check your meds, and try to find out if your therapist left anyone as a backup that you can talk to.

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