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Abusive father that's asking for money and pretending to care


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Hello, Chengsta, welcome!

I've read all the experiences you mentioned and it really does sound like hell... :( There's no wonder that it haunts you in your dreams. (However; I'm curious if this night, after posting this, wasn't perhaps a bit different... Or did you at least feel a bit good when you wrote it down?) It's great that it seemed to you that you have almost "forgotten it", since it, I suppose, means that you've succeeded to "detach" yourself to some extent from your past and live a rather "normal" life. However, it might be worth to consider to work on your recovery - your dreams suggest that the trauma is still there, unprocessed. Have you ever searched for info about posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), have you been interested in psychology of trauma and its treatment? Although I'm just a layman without personal experience with PTSD, I can tell you that there are effective ways of treating consequences of trauma and your sleep might finally become peaceful. (I'm sure there would be also other positive consequences - visible during the day ;).)

I know you didn't post here to seek help or advises about the impacts of your childhood. Yet I couldn't omit it! Of course, your current problem with your father is important and serious, but it would be a big shame to focus just on it and not to discuss your long-lasting issues...

May I also ask you about your roommate? What exactly did he mean by he's "had enough"?? Did he leave or asked you to leave? And did you tell him about the abuse?

OK, I'm going to try to address your questions.

First of all, I think your safety is the most important issue. I have no idea how big the risks are (that he would come and kill you, as you fear), but minimizing them seems important. By this, I don't mean giving him the money. It's only up to you, so I probably shouldn't even mention my opinion, but... just to clarify, it seems to me that that wouldn't be the best thing to do.

I see the two opposing tendencies in you: you'd like to "laugh in his face" or even tell him "he deserves to die" - as a kind of "little revenge" and perhaps also to give him an "eye-opening lesson" - and at the same time, you feel fear and guilt - and the result is confusion. You have rightly recognized that "not defying" is "a trained response" - and I'd add that the fear is similarly learned. And guilt? Maybe you could search for some texts explaining how often victims feel guilty for what happened to them and how many of them feel guilty even for their thoughts about denouncing/informing against the offender/abuser - that's a kind of guilt that your feeling reminds me of... It's natural to have irrational feelings (in general and particularly in circumstances associated with very bad experiences), but your behaviour and decisions aren't determined by your feelings. Reason gives us the possibility to consider the feelings, understand where they come from, ... and then decide how much we let them influence our decision. ... (Sorry for writing obvious stuff :o ...)

I imagine that you might analyze, as you've already started, your emotional responses to his calls and requests and understand what is behind each emotion. Similarly also in case of the "impulses" you feel. And then consider how adequate it would seem to you to "listen to" that emotion/"impulse" and to act upon it. For instance; would it be useful to laugh in his face? Would it make you feel so good that it's worth the risk of making him mad at you even more (-more than just by your (future) refusal to give him money)? Would he consider such a reaction as "a lesson"; would he realize that it's what he "deserves"? ... And how would it feel to you if you decided - rationally, not because of fear of guilt!! - not to do it? Wouldn't you feel... for instance like "a moral winner"? (Like the one who had a good possibility to "do something bad to somebody bad, as a form of revenge", but who decided for a higher moral principle and not to do anything "bad" just because of being triggered by somebody who used to harm him?) ...

You also asked about your brother. It's up to him to make his decision - you cannot forbid him anything - but I think it might be worth to discuss it with him. Maybe such a dialogue could be beneficial for both of you.

I suppose I didn't bring you the answers you sought; I'm sorry if you're disappointed. But you may react to some of my thoughts and maybe that will bring some new insights (?)...

Take care!

Edited by LaLa3
corrected some typos
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Hello lala, when I meant that my roommate had enough, I meant that he was worried that I might kill him in my sleep or something. As it turns out, I didn't even realise I was having these nightmares until he told me about it. Things got awkward and I had to leave, living with my brother now though.

Also, I don't believe in PTSD as a disorder. I believe it becomes your personality, and therefore it can't be fixed. I've lived that way basically my entire life. I only started learning about the world and started interacting with people once I left home, so I feel that many of my social skills, communication skills, mannerisms, and mental processes are comparable to that of a 10 year old. Because of that hurdle, it's so difficult to interview for a job. I can't get anything across other than a nervous laughter, a couple of grunts, and an awkward smile.

Also I do feel better after writing this down. When I write down my thoughts, I can look at them objectively and organize them. Now that I think about it, my father is comparable to a dumb animal. He won't learn any lessons, he'll only get angry and retaliate. It would be better for all of us if I just shot him in the head and get it over with, and breath easy for the rest of my life. Like putting down a rabid raccoon, if I don't shoot first, he definitely will sooner or later. But I'd be the guilty one in the eyes of the law. And this sounds stupid, but I also fear he won't die from a mere bullet to the head haha. The only thing I feel that I can do for now, is to change my number and move to where nobody knows where I live. I was planning on moving closer to work anyway to shorten the drive.

Also, I do appreciate your input lala. I did write this partly to see if there were others like me around.

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Hello again :)

I'm glad you feel better after writing it down!

I don't believe in PTSD as a disorder. I believe it becomes your personality, and therefore it can't be fixed. I've lived that way basically my entire life.

Well, it seems you mix several different things here. PTSD is indeed a disorder and can be successfully treated - there's no point to argue about this fact. However, in the typical form, it's a disorder caused by a rather isolated trauma - if not just one event, then at least something relatively limited in time. Then there's a question if the impacts of a continual traumatizing treatment during childhood can be called PTSD. Here I must take your point; it's indeed different from one traumatic event and so it has also different impacts, even though some principles may be similar or the same. So... OK let's not call it PTSD in your case. Your personality was formed by all these experiences, that's true. And it's also true that (if we want to stay "in the field of diagnoses" for a while) personality disorders are in general quite hard to "fix", at least, as far as I know, harder than some other psychological disorders (but... it depends a lot on the particular case, so...). But it doesn't mean that you (or anybody else with traumatic childhood) couldn't change yourself to such extent that your life would be better, less unpleasant. You can work on your social skills, you can work on your thoughts patterns, ... - that's all very helpful.

(Here is, for instance, a site one member recently recommended - about overcoming shyness, which can also seem impossible for many too shy people, but it's not: http://www.succeedsocially.com/index)

to change my number and move to where nobody knows where I live. I was planning on moving closer to work anyway to shorten the drive.

That sounds safe, although also... a bit sad because of the loneliness that seems to come with it (or you'll go with your brother? That would sound better to me.). But maybe it's a good way to start anew (?).

I did write this partly to see if there were others like me around.

Oh, unfortunately, there are :(. (I'm not one of them myself, BTW; I've been lucky (my troubles were and are not caused by abuse)...) Although I can't remember now a member of this community who would describe such violent parents (well, maybe one, but I don't want to mention anybody - maybe you'll find out by reading some threads), I do remember many who were abused in many ways :( (and beaten). There are parents who tell their children they didn't want them to be born, or others telling their daughter "We would prefer you to die instead of your brother", ... It's awful to see who "is allowed to" have and raise children :( ...

If you want, I'm sure you may contact some of them (those who were abused) on this forum.

Take care!

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