Popular Post chengsta Posted October 24, 2013 Popular Post Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 Hello all. It seems there's a lot of things wrong with my life, but I'm not here to complain. I'm sure someone has got it worse even though my life was hell. Okay, so basically my abusive father somehow got a hold of my phone number and has started calling me every weekend for the last 3 weeks pretending to be all friendly and stuff. I only answered the phone because obama is forcing me to get obama care, so I signed up for VA healthcare, I answered the phone thinking it was them. Anyway, today he finally showed his ulterior motive: Asking for cash. I'm doing alot better than he is, which is a personal victory for me. I've cut off ties with him since the age of 19. I'm 31 now. He's playing mind games on me and it's so hard to say no. I've never defied him, only took his abuse and it's a trained response now I guess. I want to tell him that he's a fag and deserves to die, but I'm afraid he might find out where I live and come to shoot me so I keep it to myself. I was only an inch away today from saying that though.I do feel a bit of guilt for hating him and laughing at his misery though. I told him that I only had a hundred bucks, and now that guilt is eating me up. Should I feel guilty? Should I stop my brother (who actually needs the money) from giving my deadbeat dad a thousand bucks?Here is the list of things I remember what my father did:-When I was about 7, my father kicked my brothers teeth in because he farted and yet blamed my younger brother. Also he's just naturally that abusive, no alcohol/drug influence whatsoever.-My father misplaced his slingshot and blamed me and my brother. He flicked rubberbands at our faces until our faces were just dripping with blood. We couldn't eat at all because our lips were sore. He found it eventually but still blamed us.-He bought us a pet chicken and I thought it was unusually kind of him. A few months later, we had chicken and it turns out he killed it and laughed at us.-He raped my step sister when she was 13. He did it every day for years until she left the house. We were too stupid to call the police because he said he'd come back to kill us if we spoke about it. Also, the local cops and teachers back then bullied us, so we didn't really trust the authorities. Even now he's gotten away with it because there is just no more evidence and I don't want to make a spectacle of myself, and my step sister doesn't want the attention.-My mother and father only spoke to us whenever they wanted us to do some labor like taking out the trash, washing dishes, etc. or wanted to insult us.-Ever since I could remember, my father had always called me useless. He would critique everything I do and called me stupid, an animal, and that I should just go and kill myself. I didn't know what to do so I kept a poker face and pretended I didn't hear anything.-Whenever he would misplace one of his tools, he'd whip my brother and I with an aluminum yardstick for the entire day, literally. It'd just be "AHHHHHHH!!!" WIP WIP WIP for 12 or so hours until he had to go to work. We could barely walk and had to wear long pants and sweatshirts in the summer.-When I caught a cold in the winter, I kept coughing at night. He told me to shut up. Obviously I couldn't, but I muffled it as best as I could. He then punched me a few times, and kicked me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. He then threw me outside for the entire night. And he'd insult me through the window telling me that I'm worthless, stupid, etc etc. He'd rather have a dog than me.-I was so hungry because he'd only feed himself. left the scraps of whatever he had left for us. I then stole 20 bucks from his wallet to buy some food at school. He found out because my little bro ratted me out because he feared for his life. Once again I got whipped the whole day. I still got scars today. Now that I think about it, it was stupid of me to feel guilty for stealing 20 bucks from him.-He'd occassionally point his pistol at us and call us names and beat us up whenever he came home from work angry.-I got picked on and beat up at school because I stank. My father didn't think we deserved water to shower. I came home and my brother told my dad, and my dad knocked the wind out of me for not fighting back. The next day, I punched the kid because I feared for my life. I came back home and the teachers told my father, who then kicked the living hell out of me for fighting at school.-Whenever we played or laughed, he'd tell us to shut up and quit being animals. Nobody wants to see our stupid smiles.-We were never allowed toys or videogames. We had a tv but he'd whip us if he found out that we watched tv while he was away. He said that we were ungrateful for him giving us life, we weren't worth the electricity.-There was never a day when I didn't fear for my life. Like seriously, literally, fearing for your life. I envied those other kids who lived their lives so care free. Even now I still have trouble socializing. I'm basically a hermit. The few girlfriends that I had left me because I was just too 'wierd'.-My parents never told me they loved me, never hugged me. My father told me he only had me and my other siblings so he could stay on welfare. I was born for welfare.-While I was in the navy, my parents asked me to come home for christmas. I thought they missed me.... I went home and brought presents for everyone. They gave me an envelope, and inside it was life insurance papers. They wanted my signature. They then told me not to worry, they'll pay the premiums. I just have to go out there and kill saddam hussein. That was the last time I saw them.I left and joined the navy because it was the only way I knew how to get away and support myself. I felt guilty for leaving my younger siblings behind though.Just a few years ago, when I thought I had forgotten it all, and pushed it all behind me...my roommate finally came up to me and told me that he's had enough: I would scream bloody murder almost every night when I sleep. He's kept it to himself for a year because he felt sorry for me. So even now, I still do that. My father still haunts me no matter how far I go.It's been over 10 years since I seen him. Now he's miserable and pretends that nothing has ever happened. And then over the phone, he told me "I love you" I was just shocked. It sounded so odd and so wrong. I knew he was lying though because the next week he called asking for money. People never change, their circumstances do. My father is just old, weak, and broke now and I predicted that he would try to suck up to me one day when he realizes that he's alone and nobody gives a crap if he dies. I told myself I would laugh in his face when that happens. I waited over 10 years for it to happen...It was my chance when he tried to ask me for money. But I couldn't go through with it. How do I tell him that he done f'd up without feeling guilty, or without having him come over to try and kill me? Evoksgolo, xqaeuysktue, erespannermap and 69 others 72 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted October 25, 2013 Report Share Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) Hello, Chengsta, welcome!I've read all the experiences you mentioned and it really does sound like hell... There's no wonder that it haunts you in your dreams. (However; I'm curious if this night, after posting this, wasn't perhaps a bit different... Or did you at least feel a bit good when you wrote it down?) It's great that it seemed to you that you have almost "forgotten it", since it, I suppose, means that you've succeeded to "detach" yourself to some extent from your past and live a rather "normal" life. However, it might be worth to consider to work on your recovery - your dreams suggest that the trauma is still there, unprocessed. Have you ever searched for info about posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), have you been interested in psychology of trauma and its treatment? Although I'm just a layman without personal experience with PTSD, I can tell you that there are effective ways of treating consequences of trauma and your sleep might finally become peaceful. (I'm sure there would be also other positive consequences - visible during the day .)I know you didn't post here to seek help or advises about the impacts of your childhood. Yet I couldn't omit it! Of course, your current problem with your father is important and serious, but it would be a big shame to focus just on it and not to discuss your long-lasting issues...May I also ask you about your roommate? What exactly did he mean by he's "had enough"?? Did he leave or asked you to leave? And did you tell him about the abuse?OK, I'm going to try to address your questions.First of all, I think your safety is the most important issue. I have no idea how big the risks are (that he would come and kill you, as you fear), but minimizing them seems important. By this, I don't mean giving him the money. It's only up to you, so I probably shouldn't even mention my opinion, but... just to clarify, it seems to me that that wouldn't be the best thing to do.I see the two opposing tendencies in you: you'd like to "laugh in his face" or even tell him "he deserves to die" - as a kind of "little revenge" and perhaps also to give him an "eye-opening lesson" - and at the same time, you feel fear and guilt - and the result is confusion. You have rightly recognized that "not defying" is "a trained response" - and I'd add that the fear is similarly learned. And guilt? Maybe you could search for some texts explaining how often victims feel guilty for what happened to them and how many of them feel guilty even for their thoughts about denouncing/informing against the offender/abuser - that's a kind of guilt that your feeling reminds me of... It's natural to have irrational feelings (in general and particularly in circumstances associated with very bad experiences), but your behaviour and decisions aren't determined by your feelings. Reason gives us the possibility to consider the feelings, understand where they come from, ... and then decide how much we let them influence our decision. ... (Sorry for writing obvious stuff ...)I imagine that you might analyze, as you've already started, your emotional responses to his calls and requests and understand what is behind each emotion. Similarly also in case of the "impulses" you feel. And then consider how adequate it would seem to you to "listen to" that emotion/"impulse" and to act upon it. For instance; would it be useful to laugh in his face? Would it make you feel so good that it's worth the risk of making him mad at you even more (-more than just by your (future) refusal to give him money)? Would he consider such a reaction as "a lesson"; would he realize that it's what he "deserves"? ... And how would it feel to you if you decided - rationally, not because of fear of guilt!! - not to do it? Wouldn't you feel... for instance like "a moral winner"? (Like the one who had a good possibility to "do something bad to somebody bad, as a form of revenge", but who decided for a higher moral principle and not to do anything "bad" just because of being triggered by somebody who used to harm him?) ...You also asked about your brother. It's up to him to make his decision - you cannot forbid him anything - but I think it might be worth to discuss it with him. Maybe such a dialogue could be beneficial for both of you.I suppose I didn't bring you the answers you sought; I'm sorry if you're disappointed. But you may react to some of my thoughts and maybe that will bring some new insights (?)...Take care! Edited October 25, 2013 by LaLa3 corrected some typos chengsta and Chieviemi 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chengsta Posted October 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2013 Hello lala, when I meant that my roommate had enough, I meant that he was worried that I might kill him in my sleep or something. As it turns out, I didn't even realise I was having these nightmares until he told me about it. Things got awkward and I had to leave, living with my brother now though.Also, I don't believe in PTSD as a disorder. I believe it becomes your personality, and therefore it can't be fixed. I've lived that way basically my entire life. I only started learning about the world and started interacting with people once I left home, so I feel that many of my social skills, communication skills, mannerisms, and mental processes are comparable to that of a 10 year old. Because of that hurdle, it's so difficult to interview for a job. I can't get anything across other than a nervous laughter, a couple of grunts, and an awkward smile.Also I do feel better after writing this down. When I write down my thoughts, I can look at them objectively and organize them. Now that I think about it, my father is comparable to a dumb animal. He won't learn any lessons, he'll only get angry and retaliate. It would be better for all of us if I just shot him in the head and get it over with, and breath easy for the rest of my life. Like putting down a rabid raccoon, if I don't shoot first, he definitely will sooner or later. But I'd be the guilty one in the eyes of the law. And this sounds stupid, but I also fear he won't die from a mere bullet to the head haha. The only thing I feel that I can do for now, is to change my number and move to where nobody knows where I live. I was planning on moving closer to work anyway to shorten the drive.Also, I do appreciate your input lala. I did write this partly to see if there were others like me around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted October 25, 2013 Report Share Posted October 25, 2013 Hello again I'm glad you feel better after writing it down!I don't believe in PTSD as a disorder. I believe it becomes your personality, and therefore it can't be fixed. I've lived that way basically my entire life. Well, it seems you mix several different things here. PTSD is indeed a disorder and can be successfully treated - there's no point to argue about this fact. However, in the typical form, it's a disorder caused by a rather isolated trauma - if not just one event, then at least something relatively limited in time. Then there's a question if the impacts of a continual traumatizing treatment during childhood can be called PTSD. Here I must take your point; it's indeed different from one traumatic event and so it has also different impacts, even though some principles may be similar or the same. So... OK let's not call it PTSD in your case. Your personality was formed by all these experiences, that's true. And it's also true that (if we want to stay "in the field of diagnoses" for a while) personality disorders are in general quite hard to "fix", at least, as far as I know, harder than some other psychological disorders (but... it depends a lot on the particular case, so...). But it doesn't mean that you (or anybody else with traumatic childhood) couldn't change yourself to such extent that your life would be better, less unpleasant. You can work on your social skills, you can work on your thoughts patterns, ... - that's all very helpful.(Here is, for instance, a site one member recently recommended - about overcoming shyness, which can also seem impossible for many too shy people, but it's not: http://www.succeedsocially.com/index)to change my number and move to where nobody knows where I live. I was planning on moving closer to work anyway to shorten the drive.That sounds safe, although also... a bit sad because of the loneliness that seems to come with it (or you'll go with your brother? That would sound better to me.). But maybe it's a good way to start anew (?).I did write this partly to see if there were others like me around.Oh, unfortunately, there are . (I'm not one of them myself, BTW; I've been lucky (my troubles were and are not caused by abuse)...) Although I can't remember now a member of this community who would describe such violent parents (well, maybe one, but I don't want to mention anybody - maybe you'll find out by reading some threads), I do remember many who were abused in many ways (and beaten). There are parents who tell their children they didn't want them to be born, or others telling their daughter "We would prefer you to die instead of your brother", ... It's awful to see who "is allowed to" have and raise children ...If you want, I'm sure you may contact some of them (those who were abused) on this forum.Take care! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chengsta Posted November 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2013 Well, to follow up with an update... it turns out that he needed the money to bring in a poor unsuspecting 15 yo 3rd world girl to america and marry her. Yup, still an A hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted November 8, 2013 Report Share Posted November 8, 2013 Thanks for the update!Strange...How are you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chengsta Posted November 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 Well now that we found out, my brother is regretting giving him a thousand dollars. Now he's going to be late on his car payment. And then now my father has the nerves to try and claim us on his taxes. It's getting annoying, we all agree to just not pick up the phone anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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