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supriya
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Hello, supriya,

I'm very sorry nobody replied to your previous posts. Please, be sure it wasn't because you would "deserve" the suffering or that we would be somehow repelled from you or didn't want talk to you. I haven't seen your posts since today - it happens that we overlook some posts, it's not an intention. Most of us are quite busy most of the time... And it's also frequent that very long posts don't get replies (soon) because people don't have enough time to read them, so they don't reply either.

I'll write more in a moment, I'm posting this to let you know that there are people who care...

Don't give it up; there's hope for getting much better!

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So, as I see it from some of your previous posts, you have big problems based on a bad/inappropriate reaction of your family to your sexual behaviour in your childhood and, moreover, the problem is exacerbated by the fact that in your society, those reactions and opinions are pervasive due to cultural and religious traditions etc.

As you have access to the internet, you might educate yourself (from serious sources) about healthy child sexuality, you might also ask an on-line psychologist a question about what you did as a child if you need confirmation from appropriate authorities - professionals. For a kid, the parents are the main authority, so it's natural that you got that image of being bad from them, as they treated you that way. But most of what you did most children all around the world do, too - they are curious and it's a healthy curiosity. Of course, adults should sometimes interfere to prevent some behaviour (-I mean worse than yours, btw), but they should do it in appropriate way, without leaving the impression in the child that sex is bad and anything related to it they do is a sin! But, unfortunately, too many parents fail (as their own parents failed, their society doesn't support a rational approach, ...), so they create traumas like yours, traumas that can - in vulnerable people - lead to serious mental problems!

You wrote, for instance:

they believe me a very good numan being but they dont know my truth who wad doind acts like a dog right from chilkdhood.. i love my famil more than myself.. i dont want to commit suicide.. i want answers why did this happen to me. what should i di now? i m depressed. cant tell anybody about my bad acts. shameful for me... if i tell all my relations willl be gone and my family willget destroyed

"acts like a dog"?? Your acts were human. The reactions of your body were also natural. I haven't seen in your posts (I haven't read all, but... most) anything about your sexuality that could make me concerned that you're not "normal" or you're "guilty", "disgusting", ...

Then later, when you, for instance, wrote that anonymous letter about the girl - that may be considered as a wrong idea, of course - but we all do silly or irrational things more or less often and this kind of things/acts doesn't make you a bad person, nor they are a reason to fear that you'd do something worse in future. You made some mistakes, but we cannot live without making mistakes. At least, we can avoid making crimes and being deliberately violent etc.... - and you are a good, gentle person - you couldn't just pretend it so well. Others see it in you, now it's time for you to start believing it! Know yourself better, accept all your sides, accept that you're human and make mistakes, ... and believe more in the power of your good traits. That would be my suggestion. I know it's difficult to accomplish - it's a long journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, even self-love - but we may accompany you if you'd like. And maybe you could find a good psychological help, too. I know in India, it's often considered a shame to go to a psychologist / therapist (I've read about this situation in India), but I also know that it's not impossible. The professionals are there, you just have to find a way to get their help. maybe without others knowing about it. Medication may alleviate some symptoms, but your main problem is a deep feeling of guilt inappropriately induced by your parents and "by the society" - the dominating prejudices.

You also wrote that you fear that you'd molest your daughter. You don't seem to be attracted to children (or I missed something?) , but even if yes, then not only - you are attracted by women. So your wife can (and if not, there are possibilities to get help (counseling) with this!) "satisfy your needs", you don't need to satisfy them with a child, moreover knowing that you are sure you don't want to harm her (the child)! Touching your sisters when you were children doesn't mean/imply that you would ever want to do it when you're an adult (to your daughter or any other child)!! And if you have those ideas/imaginations, then take it as a symptom of your unresolved childhood issues and of the resulting OCD - and the symptom will disappear when you'll have healed the reason = resolve the childhood trauma with a professional.

What do you think?

Take care!

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I have one strong recommendation for you:

Sign in to Coursera (-on-line free courses) and enroll to this course:

https://class.course...001/class/index

(if the link doesn't work for you, then try google "Coursera, A Brief History of Humankind")

and watch the lecture number 7 (at least the segments 1-3)!

There is also quite a lot about India (the system of casts etc. and how and why it was invented) and about sex and sexual prejudices and ideologies... (it doesn't mention children in particular, but it explains very well the notions of "natural" and "unnatural", the ideological prohibitions (claiming that something is "wrong/impure/..."), ...)

I believe it would be very beneficial for you to watch :). (In fact, I think that everybody in the world should see that course or read the book it's based upon... But all I can do is recommend it to some individuals to whom, IMHO, it would be helpful against their suffering...)

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I see that it's problematic for you to get appropriate help :(. It's very sad and tragic that in so many places in the world people cannot get the help they need (not only psychological, of course - in many contexts), even though in other places, it's quite easily accessible...

Psychiatrists often don't provide counseling or psychotherapy (although some do as they have the training, not only medical school). Maybe in India, they never do, I don't know. But that doesn't mean that there are no therapists or counselors at all. Have you tried to search for them? Maybe even in another city as they may be scarce.

There is also the possibility of on-line therapy or counseling (as you speak English, that opens the possibilities as most of the on-line therapists are anglophones). I'm sorry I don't have particular examples, but I know they exist (they exist even in my very little home-country which isn't "as very developed" as, for instance, the US or UK...) and you can give it a try. Why would you end your life (and "punish"/traumatize your family this way) just because not trying enough to seek help?

But in the meantime, feel free to communicate here with us, I hope very much it might be at least a bit helpful. I'm sorry if by mentioning some possible problems with long posts I made you feel somehow ... forced to write only very briefly. I didn't mean that! I'd like to know some more of your thoughts about what I wrote in my previous posts, for instance. Wasn't there anything that you'd consider worth to discuss / write about? If not, then why is it irrelevant for your situation in your eyes? I'd need to know if you liked to communicate more. Because without understanding why my words were useless, I cannot avoid writing more useless words.

I see that there's a part of you that would like to give up as it seems to be an easier way. However, the other part (and maybe more than one; we are all complex) still wants to live - wants a change, but not death. Change of your life for better. And it is possible, although it won't be quick, that's sure.

Take care!

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thanks to you. i m quite depressed. unable tp read ur comment properly. cant explain what i m feeling. but i m really touched by your concern for me. i provided all details about my problem in my questions

why does my mind intentionally goes toward thinking of incest n other extremely immoral things when i dont want to do them?

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i m quite depressed. unable tp read ur comment properly. cant explain what i m feeling.

I'm sorry you are so depressed :(. I hope you'll try to read it several times to get my messages. I know I often write in a quite complicated way...

It's important for you to understand (I know it needs some time) that what you've done was not bad and you're not bad, guilty, shameful, ... I hope you'll find a good way to understand it.

why does my mind intentionally goes toward thinking of incest n other extremely immoral things when i dont want to do them?

I don't know how much you know about OCD, but it "works" this way. Nobody with OCD wants to think about the things (s)he does, they don't want to do them, they just "have to", because of the disorder. In each particular case, it has its causes that can be understood and the problem can be healed. It takes time. Just don't give up because you haven't yet find a way to improve your condition.

Take care!

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Hi, Supriya,

i think no body did read to my question in detail... i have few questions in that whole question...

I'm sorry... It's sometimes difficult to remember all questions from very long texts (and to know what particular parts of the texts are the most important in the eyes of the person who wrote them) :(.

May I suggest that you repeat your questions here? Just the questions - the context is already there and we may go back to your older posts and read them again if needed to understand it better.

I do want to know what you'd like us to answer and I'd like to try to answer. If the questions are here, in a shorter form than in your previous threads, I suppose more people will read them and try to reply, too.

i want to live

I'm very very glad to hear that.

And I want you to know that you can (and deserve to, are able to, ...) live - and it doesn't depend on people answering any of your questions or not. Which doesn't mean that the answers couldn't be helpful. I hope they will. Please, don't give up and try to write again what precisely you need to know...

Take care!

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I don't have much time now, but I tried to find some questions in one of your previous therad.

Here is one:

i want to know that have i abused the daughter of my sister and that 1 year boy sexually. Have i ruined their lives? Daughter of my sister was 3 that time. She was in mylap and we both were runningand laughing. . I touched her playfully in lower back region just once. Never did that again. She loves me most now because we spent so good time together.

Look, I can only know what you described, so my answer is based only on that. What you did doesn't seem to be something good to do, but it doesn't seem to have affected the girl, I'm rather sure she even cannot remember as it wasn't anything special for her, anything linked with strong negative or extraordinary positive emotions, it was just a very short part of having a good time and it didn't happen again. So i personally wouldn't call it abuse and I don't suppose it was harmful to her. I'm not sure about the boy as I haven't find any description of what you did to him yet - I'll try later.

Are the children OK now?

Do they seem to have ruined lives? If not, why do you obsess so much about it?

Again; I'm not sure why my - or others' - answers would be so very important to you as you seem to feel. You are very troubled and suffering, that's something that deserves attention and - treatment. I can see that medicine doesn't help here (although you might try it again - maybe you'll be lucky and find a med that would alleviate at least some of the worst feelings and it would allow you to think about the issues with a lower pain). But you need t talk about the issues with a good professional, with a psychotherapist, a counselor, or maybe a sexologist. I already wrote about the possibilities - in person and even on-line (by Skype!!) - but you didn't reply, so I can't know why you're avoiding this form of treatment...

I have to go now, but I hope you'll post more in the meantime.

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even if they r fine still i cant forgive myself. that boy was 2 years old. i was 13-14 yrs. we wrer playing. suddenly a thought popped up in my mind to see how his penis looks like. i swa it. it was not erect. mine was hard. i rubbed mine on his face. i stopped n let him go. never repeated with him or anybody else like this... i want to ask why such thoughts popped up in that age?

why i could not control despite i always believed in GOD? why didnt god stop me? why only me did these henious acts?

it was god there whom i talked before those acts. he said mild no. then when i said only once my soul said ok only once as an experiment. i never repeated that. but it doesnt dilute my sins. i hate myself.

n now whole day thoughts of incest n other immoral things... heaviness in groin like penis is about to get erect. so much disgust i feel after those thoughts.

why? why did god let me touch my mom n sisters even once? when god is there why didnt he stop his devotee? my base was GOD. i was totally dependent on him for 20 years of my life. why still i m worst human being on earth though i always prayed to become a good human?

why i m in such a situation that my base is lost. my character is lost. i have nothing to live except family. but when my mind is dead how long i will be wble to survive for my family. i dont have any motivation..

why such thoughts popped in my mind at 10, 12, 13,16 years age? my problem cant be solved i know. its irreversible like HIV. but i will keep on repenting till i have last breath in my body...

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WHY god MADE ME LIKE THIS?

WHY MY PENIS USED TO GET ERECT WHEN I WAS 7 reding about pork n meat in books?

why a 7 year old child was seeing breast of his sister when he was made to drink extra secretion of milk from of his sister who was a lactating mother then?

why the 10 year old was excited to sleep with his mom who was topless due to summers?

all this hell was normal?

i hate my life.

want to die

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What would your reaction be to a person who came to you and said, "I have done several things in my life that make me feel very bad. I can't forgive myself for them. I don't feel normal, and I want to die."

Maybe you would ask him if he wanted to repeat the actions that he felt were wrong, and I'm guessing he'd say no.

Wouldn't you urge that person to forgive himself, and to find help with how badly he feels?

So then, you would have to think about why you won't do that for yourself.

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