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Really suffering at the moment.


Jeep
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Has it often been dangerous for you, Jeep, to be vulnerable? Did people take advantage of that?

Because seriously, what harm is your psychiatrist going to do you?

Have you told your girlfriend where your mind is?

Is what you experience really "paranoia", the belief that everyone is out to get you, or more like insecurity in relationships, where you worry about losing them?

Pardon all the questions, but if you have no one to talk about this with, maybe we can stand in for a bit.

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Openly expressing oneself to others can feel frightening, I hear you. We all need gentle care when we are vulnerable. I hope you can take gentle care with you.

I asked for a transfer because I thought she was mocking me then I had a temporary sense of power that I had removed a problem, then came utter fear and pain, because I really had developed feelings for her. I wake up in the night and realise I won't see her again and the loss hits me.

The therapeutic space can be a very valuable place. There we may feel accepted, cared for, and even nurtured. It's no wonder this can bring out loving feelings. Do you know what is missing for you when you feel this loss? What hurts, where is the need?

Unfortunately this new twist, that she probably didn't feel for me, is really difficult, they train themselves not to get involved don't they? She told me she wasn't perfect, but in my mind she really was, like something from heaven.

Idealizing is common, I would think, but therapists are human, just like any of us... Are you able to connect with your feelings and make the feelings about you? How are you a loving and caring person?

My girlfriend is suffering so much at the moment, she has been so patient with me loving another, she knows I am suicidal but she has a demanding job, I feel I can't keep burdening her, she has blood pressure problems.

Perhaps, though, she would want to know what you are struggling with and would not feel burdened? I don't know what kind of comfort you might be needing, but maybe the sharing would be healing for both of you? You will only know if you talk with her.

I hope you will keep expressing as much as you need, Jeep. Sending my support and care.

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Well now I wonder whether I should dial back my response ...

I know it's trite, but it may help to ask yourself what's the worst that can happen? I know that most of my anxieties, when I was younger, were equated with dying even though they were as trivial as whether to talk to a girl at lunch. But I worried about it as if I might die ...

Take care, Jeep, and know that you're not the only one who fears.

There are more private options here than an open post, if that helps.

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