Any advices with my long time problem?

[BDemon256]

Hi this is my first post, it took me some time to find courage to talk about this, I've done it with a couple of friends that I really consider friends, anyways this is my story, any advices will be really appreciated. (english is not my native language as I am from El Salvador, I speak really well yet my grammar is not that perfect).

When I started school (about the age of 6, right after kindergarten) I was a normal kid, my parents had trouble with me when cause I was very slim, not sick but slim and they worried, so they gave me vitamins and stuff which made me chubby, and since the moment I was born i had inherited a big mole above my upper lip, its not big enough to cover my face but not small enough to be not noticeable, which from about the age I mentioned before, the other kids started making fun of me because of my mole, at the age I didn't really care because I was very smart, I talked and got distracted in classes yet when the teacher asked me about the lesson i always answered right and was top of my class, this continued until i was 17, I've always been very smart, i can learn things without any effort, and by the age of 14 i was very arrogant, also my teachers gave me harder assignments to test my capacity which made the other kids bully me more. Also when i was young my family lived in a quite bad place so i spent most of my time at home, i had about one friend, which when we grew up, we liked the same girl and since he went to the same school he began making fun of me like all the others. When i reached 15 in high school things became harder since I began liking girls and the bullying became harder to the point that sometimes my entire classroom would make fun of me, by that time I didnt trust anyone anymore (besides my family, we had some issues but they've been always for me and supporting me even with financial problems) and that made me feel really insecure.

I also was a boy scout, my father was the leader and made me have a really nice time but again since i was good at making things there, the other kids will made fun of me at some point (when my father wasn't around).

Also when i was in high school I tried to get closer to girls but since I was the kid everyone made fun of, they rejected me, i met one but i was afraid and ended up pushing her away.

since then I haven't been able to make friends, im 26 now, i have barely any friends and the ones i do, sometimes i feel like i cant trust them, even though they have show me i can trust in them, my relationship with girls is disastrous, because sometimes i like too much a girl and end up pushing them away or being too awkward, the only girlfriend i ever had was a girl in the USA which was too young for me, even though we stayed together for a year but had to break up because of the distance.

I had a group of friends before but i got to a point where i felt they relied on me too much, i was the one organizing parties or setting the place and time to go out, also with most of the people if I dont start talking to them they wont talk to me, and i barely know that to talk about, since i like talking about politics, science or smart stuff, even comics or technology (im a very geeky guy) and most people just dont talk about that and i feel normal topics are just to vain or stupid.

anyways, i've been feeling very lonely lately because even if i meet new people, they just end up like everyone else, getting away or perhaps being pushed away by my personality, there is no much psychiatric help here since we got a bad public health system and private its quite expensive atm, also all my life ive been chubby (im trying to lose weighh now but its hard cause sometimes i dont feel motivated at all), now a bit fat and makes me feel very insecure because i like to dress well but i cant since clothes will not fit me as i wish.

i failed about 4 years of my university classes which made me lose the few friends i had made in there.

even though all those things, i have a job, finishing my university degree and own a motorcycle (honda cbf 125 2014 ) which makes people think im just grumpy or not satisfied, which sometimes i feel like giving up, because its like im trying to fix everything bad at the same time, losing weight, making for the lost time at university, trying to make friends, dealing with my job (tech support at sony, and sometimes the customers are extremely stressful) and dealing with my country problems, like gangs and the mental insecurity you get with all the media, plus the economy its not good here.

Sorry that its quite messy what i wrote but im trying to include as much details as i can, feel free to ask to know more about me and if you have any suggestion about what can i do, i will be glad to hear it

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, BD.

Maybe it helps to start out by making connections with people who share your interests? I would imagine there are many others who would enjoy talking about politics and science and sharing with you.

i feel like i cant trust them, even though they have show me i can trust in them, my relationship with girls is disastrous, because sometimes i like too much a girl and end up pushing them away

Does this feel like a pattern in your relationships? Do you think you are fearful of being intimate because the closeness might leave you vulnerable to being hurt? I think that many of us develop self-protective behaviors in relationships and a lot of these behavioral patterns may have begun in our childhood. It can be challenging making changes, but it is possible. Developing self-awareness of your feelings and responses can be a place to start.

Take care.

Edited December 19, 2013 by IrmaJean
adding

[BDemon256]

thanks for your reply!

Does this feel like a pattern in your relationships? Do you think you are fearful of being intimate because the closeness might leave you vulnerable to being hurt? I think that many of us develop self-protective behaviors in relationships and a lot of these behavioral patterns may have begun in our childhood. It can be challenging making changes, but it is possible. Developing self-awareness of your feelings and responses can be a place to start.

that's exactly how I feel, I've been hurt so many times that its really difficult for me to get close to people or make connections, how can someone make a connection with another person?

[BDemon256]

ehm sorry I double posted by mistake.

[IrmaJean]

I would say make yourself open to it and be yourself. Try placing yourself in many different social settings and shine as the person you are. I hear you that it's difficult to try if you fear being hurt, but if you don't allow the chance you might also miss out on the possibility for joy. Take care and good luck!