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I'm afraid that i'm a pedo and I rather...


Yisy
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Hey there,

I believe I saw a recent post about this same subject but I went through it quickly cus I can't focus properly right now. I'm scared, I feel helpless and well to tell you the truth I rather be dead than be a pedophile!

Ok so i'm a 32 year old gay male.Yes I have been diagnosed with OCD along with other things that are labelled 'tendacies" like bipolar and major depressive episodes and BPD (Borderline personality disorder). I will quickly go through my ocd symptoms and if you have questions please don't hesitate to ask. I have this"good luck"/"bad luck thing that has been plaguing me for years. Basically there are things I can and cannot do, or wear or say cus they might cause bad luck and my whole life will come crashing down on me. It's not consistent it really is different from time to time when deciding what i'll wear or if I should cross the street or not the decision will be made at that moment with "you'll have bad luck if you do or if you don't" the part that is consistent is that I can't start or buy anything or make plans or deal with money & a whole lot of other things Tuesdays and Fridays. I feel like i'm taking a risk writing this new post cus it's Friday....

Ok now to that stupid Pedophile thing that's been driving me to the point that I have considered suicide as being my only solution cus what else would there be if I am truly a pedophile. I refuse to live my life as a pedophile and have sexual inclinations towards little girls or boys that's just not right.

The thought suddenly jumped into my mind 2 weeks ago after a long day of Christmas shopping with my aunt. I got home went to lie down and the "what if i'm attracted to my 14 year old niece" and the thoughts just spiralled out of control since then. I had an intense panic attack. I thought "this is it i've finally lost my mind!!" I had to call my brother so he can calm me down and everything.

Christmas eve and New Year's eve sucked big time. Not only were they on Tuesdays but those thoughts were rolling in my head. I also have 3 nieces one of which is 13, then the second is 11 and the 3rd is 7. The fear kept coming and going, rising and falling so I took 25mg of Loxapine which totally turns me into a mindless zombie.

I started to read other posts and got some consolation out of it. Tried to face the fear head on but nothing was working the thoughts kept coming and wouldn't stop. One guy had written in a blog that he had tingling in his groin but no erection. Same here. Anyway Ihaven't gone out unless if it's to walk my dog or get a pack of cigcigarettes at the corner store. I get really scared when people are around and I avoid looking them in the eye. Anyway today the thoughts aren't as pronounced but they're still there. And i'm afraid they'll come back stronger... I really need some answers right now. What's wrong with me and what the hell do I do to stop this????

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Hello, Yisy, and welcome. I sense that you are in a lot of distress. I'm sorry you are feeling so much anxiety over this. :( Are you in therapy or being treated for your OCD? If you can, try not to give energy to your obsessive thoughts when they pop up. Can you do something relaxing? What activities do you enjoy?

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