I am losing any and all hope. I just want to be better.

[daydreaming42]

(A quick note; This started out as my ramblings to myself in an email to myself. As I went on I thought that maybe there is help out there.

Also there are a couple references to me being a diabetic without clarification. now you know. Thanks for reading.)

You are not a victim. although life seems to be at a high lighted low there has to be more out there from you. Death is not an option at this point so stop killing yourself. you have intelligence so use it. Quit being everything that you despise. Nothing will be easy but things still must happen. Your sadness makes me sick. How can I change myself? Change by me for me is needed in my life, desperately! Im so tired of hating myself. Every car that passes I deep down inside wish it would have hit me. I realized the other night something. I was about to go to bed and then I asked myself... should I take my medicine? my answer: No, lets shave another year off my life. What in the fuck is the matter with me. I have been unconsciously killing myself for years. Is it because I hate myself? Is it because I do not think I am cut out for this life? Is it because I am too weak? So many questions I have about myself. Im 25, you would think I would know about myself. I dont. This is the longest string of misery I have gone through that I can remember. Its not that they are all bad days but just no sun shine in the skies. My life feels like a waiting room for death. I fear responsibility. I hate dependency and yet i position myself for no independence. I know what I want but take no action to get it. I know where I want to be but I take no moves to get any closer. Im 25 years old and I live with my parents. I own practically nothing. I can not drive and more than likely never will again. I can not have my own bank account. Every obligation or contractual agreement I have ever had I have failed at. Any goal I have ever set for myself I have come far short of. Every relationship I have ever had I have failed at. I have very very very few friends. I have never been consistent with anything except failure. I want more than anything to be better, or so I tell myself and yet every day that goes on, nothing changes. All of this is so true that it hurts. . . almost suffocates my thoughts. The ONLY good I have done in my life is love and care for my puppy and even still... he has not been to the vets since I got him. He was never neutered. I say I want nothing more than to be better but if that were true wouldnt I be doing something about it? I think what I want more than anything is selfishly, to be dead. Because consistently, I am doing things towards that. In my eyes, I am worthless. I do not deserve the pitty or the charity give to me. I feel terrible as I am a burden to any ones life that I am in. They are blinded because I am their son/family. I wish they could see how worthless I am. It amazes me how I can have such a level head on my shoulders and still allow myself to be such dirt. I know better. I know what I need to do. I know I know I KNOW and yet... nothing. there should be nothing more to this than just doing what i need to do and yet that is not it. or something is seriously holding me back. and I know that something is myself. I am functional. I make my bed everyday. I fold my laundry. matching socks. I dirty a dish and then clean it. but everyday its like my own misery is consuming me. I can focus less on everything that matters and focus more on my self loathing and the day dreams of dying fill the empty space between my thoughts. my dreams used to be hopeful and now they have become lonely. I have tried meds...nothing. I exercise regularly...nothing. Ive tried to find religion but i can not believe. I am losing any and all hope. I just want to be better. Please help

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, daydreaming.

I hear your pain, frustration, and sadness. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. You mention trying medication. Have you tried psychotherapy as well? It could help you learn to manage and cope with the difficult feelings you've been having. Is there anyone there with you who you can reach out to? We are here to listen too. I hope you can find a space to be gentle with yourself.

.

[humungus]

Dear Friend,

Please dont give up hope.I,m 57 practically own nothing.Father disowns me and my sister does.

Will tell you more as we correspond.

My name is Trevor living in the U K

I was married,even though my parents coudnt except me being gay or bi-sexual

Raised 4 lads. Coudnt sleep at night and told the wife (that was then) I just had to go out

I went to bars ,clubs,cruising areas etc to no avail

It nearly drove me mad constantly looking for the right soulmate

I took a job in an all night garage and then a person came in that changed my life

Also being miserably broke,I used to feel a complete failure until I also met an Auntie figure ,no relative

who had great compassion,even though I argued a lot with her and she was BORN AGAIN

She said ,"did you know you can have a personal relationship with Jesus

I pondered hard over this subject,went to two or three different Pentecostal churches and found Jesus to be real in my life

I,m not trying to convert you as i,m considered an outcast in Christian circles because i,m gay

but again I say just dont give up

If we can help in any way message us,we are real genuine people DONT HATE YOURSELF

YOUR ON THIS EARTH FOR A REASON.YOU DIDNT ASK TO BE HERE,BUT THE ONE ABOVE HAS A SPECIAL GOAL

FOR YOUR LIFE

LOTS OF LOVE TREV AND ADRIAN XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[devils daughter]

Hi daydreaming,

I can really relate to despising myself, as you have written about in your post. It’s taken a while, but psychotherapy has helped. Actually, it’s more than helped. And it’s core issue—how can one be motivated to do anything for oneself if you hate yourself? I’m actually feeling happy some days. Motivated to find some joy, not just miserable all the time and feeling that I don’t deserve any better. Had someone say they liked me yesterday and I doubted it momentarily but didn’t disbelieve them.

So. . . change is possible but I don’t think we can do it all by ourselves. And in addition to therapy, I have gone to several support groups. They have been for me “safe environments” where I could be myself, as bad as I felt at times, and they listened and didn’t throw me out, as I guess that was my basic fear.

[daydreaming42]

Thank you for your responses.

I have not tried psychotherapy as I do not have insurance and do not have money to waste. I fear that support groups would only frustrate me as I have very very little empathy or compassion to people who are having a hard time. VERY LITTLE. That is something I have been working years on to improve with but not making very much progress. and I am sorry but our lives only suck because we allow it to happen. If we continue to allow these things to happen than it is our own fault. so i highly doubt a support group would be a good fit for me. Therapy could possibly help (dont knock it till you try it, right?) and maybe at some point I will be able to try that.

I have been looking into tai chi used by monks. They are who I ideal as self discipline seems to be something they have a very strong handle on. Any one out there know anything about balancing your chi? meditation? This may be something I should continue to work towards. I will keep this updated if there is any progress

[IrmaJean]

Maybe this aspect of yourself can help motivate you to make positive changes?

I have heard wonderful things about tai chi. That could definitely be helpful to you. Meditation has been helpful to me. I used to feel low levels of anxiety all of the time, but now I only feel anxiety intermittently. Do you enjoy nature? I find that connecting with nature helps bring feelings of inner serenity. Maybe you might enjoy some time outside with your puppy? Animals have a way of helping us open up our hearts and this can be self-connective. I used to enjoy long walks with our dog. I think the combination of exercising, connecting with nature, and bonding with our dog during our walks was emotionally healthy for me. I hope you find something that is helpful to you.

Take care, daydreaming.