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Mental illness transformed me for the worst


setsuna
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When I was young, I was such an idealistic young kid. I was deeply religious, and loved my parents to death.

Nowadays, I hate the very notion of a God (no offense to those who are religious) as an all-loving omnipotent spirit. I sometimes curse my parents and take my anger out on them for bringing me into this world.

Mental illness has allowed me to see things in a different light. I now know what it is like to suffer for months at a time. It's not pleasant, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Can anyone relate?

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Hello again.

Well, surely there are many people who can relate to the experience of long suffering :(. But I wouldn't say that mental illness has to change a person for the worst! On the contrary, there are people who gained also much wisdom as a result of their distressful experiences, who changed their life for better thanks to the process of healing from their illness - in a way they wouldn't do it without being ill.

I wonder if you don't confuse the results of your illness with the symptoms of the way you've been treated and/or with some natural changes that come with adolescence. Many healthy teenagers hate their parents and/or loose their faith in god. And it would be... somewhat unnatural and probably inconvenient to stay very naive and idealistic as a little child all your life, wouldn't it?

By this, I don't mean that it's good to hate your parents and that there is nothing that would be better to change. I just suppose it doesn't have to be seen as "something your illness has done to you" and/or something evil, almost as if it was an irreversible change to a kind of monster (sorry of the exaggeration). Do you sometimes look at it as at a challenge; something that you're motivated to "fix" by your long and hard work in therapy? Have you already explored deeply the reasons of your anger at your parents (except for that they caused your existence)? I think that from really understanding it, you could learn something helpful.

BTW; your parents couldn't had known about your future suffering, so... what is the logic behind hating them for bringing you into this world? They very probably have done it with no bad intention. When raising you, they surely made some mistakes (who didn't?) and that's something that you could possibly explore in therapy (with the final intention to reconcile...), but... being angry the way you are... It makes me imagine that you're rather angry at the state of your mind and your life, but it's unconsciously seemingly easier to redirect the anger to some people...

What do you think?

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Hi Lala,

I'm really sorry, but I didn't read all of your msg, as I'm currently working on schoolwork. I skimmed through it. I will read it in full later.

Yeah, it is really illogical to hate my parents for that. But I don't hate them ALL the time. I love them usually, and consistently. It's just that after a long period of OCD (such as last summer, when I thought for a month that I was a child molester) that I want to take my anger out on others.

And haha, it's true, I can't stay idealistic and childlike all my life. But still, I've kind of lost my innocence. Like, it's hard to explain...but on the whole, I've become a lot more bitter about this world, always expecting the worst of people, always thinking that something bad will happen.

I'm not healing. I consider my OCD to be punishment for the way I acted in the past. Half of me says I deserve it, but half of me says "I don't want this anymore", you know?

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You've been already "punished" too much, you don't deserve more. This perspective, not very unusual, of illness as a deserved punishment, is a big obstacle for healing (as you've surely noticed...). You may imagine your "healthy state" as a state where you no longer - from the perspective of that "punishing part" of you - deserve any punishment. So to heal, you need to accept also stoping wanting to suffer, believing that when you'll be OK, you will (all your parts) agree that you don't (and haven't) deserve(d) suffering.

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