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Doesn't anyone else want a reason for their unhappiness?


setsuna
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Sorry, I'm a bit rushed, as I'm working on schoolwork atm.

My past is, compared to other kids, very dark and spotty. I've had two OCD-involved run-ins with the police. My compulsions drove my relationship with my brother (initially very good) into a dark spot. I've spent a year suicidal because of my obsessions.

But the more I look at my past, the more I realize that there was absolutely NOTHING that could have caused my problems. There was no traumatic incident of any kind, nothing memorable.

Right now, my obsession is with the past. I obsess about what could have caused my OCD, my self destructive tendencies, and so on, and my compulsions are to research the past and try to find the answers.

It's not like I'll be jumping for joy when I find out that I've suffered from a traumatic incident. It's just that I can't be happy with "you were born with it". Was I born suicidal as well?

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I personally find that understanding the pieces of my puzzle and knowing the 'whys' is comforting on a level, but the helpfulness of knowing 'why' might not fit for everyone. If you feel the need to know is a manifestation of obsession, maybe it's best not to give it too much energy?

Though it can be challenging, I find it helpful to take a step back and observe my behaviors and responses. Can you try looking at what has been happening with you without attaching any kind of judgment to your experience?

How has therapy been going for you? Are you working with your therapist to learn ways to manage and cope with your anxiety? What can you do to help create positive change in your life?

Take care, setsuna.

Edited by IrmaJean
typo
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Therapy hasn't been going well. My therapist is really friendly, and she means well, but she's not a specialist in OCD. She gives a lot of common sense advice, like "try to be positive."

Positive change eh? Well, on Monday I'm going to start CBT training. That's positive change! :)

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