I need help, at the very least someone to hear me out

[mh2210]

Hi everyone,

This is probably my first attempt at sharing my personal feelings, etc. but I really need some help. Below, I'm going to right down a lot of things, and I know that you guys might not have the time to read all of it or you might get lost at some point. But I'm going to do this anyways just to show myself that at least I'm doing "something".

Now, let me give some background of what might be the cause of the symptoms I'm having right now.

If I were to describe some of my bad points I would say that I am extremely unmotivated (have been all of my life), lonely (also afraid of human interactions, again all of my life), stubborn and also very lazy (could be because of other problems but I can't tell).

When I was growing up, during teenage years and college and university, I had always spent my time in my room behind my computer playing games, watching movies, etc. I have always been shy, that combined with a trauma in my family which lead to my sister's divorce while I was in college, is what I believe the reason for me being afraid of girls and relationships. I cannot, no matter what I do, start a conversation with a girl, even if it's supposed to be a normal non-relationship-starting one. Right now, I am 28 years old and I am still carrying those characteristics, I shut everyone off. I make every effort to avoid confrontation with girls if there's a chance of any. Also, and this should be obvious by now, I'm not exactly a fun person in my own opinion, I'm hard for other guys to befriend with and maintain that friendship.

Like I said I've always been unmotivated. I REALLY REALLY want to be motivated to have more money, education, anything so that it might give my life some purpose, some goal. I should say that right now the only purpose I have in continuing to live, is perhaps not letting my family down too much and to meet others' expectations. My parents are very thoughtful I must add, they don't really show any expectations, it's all my own thoughts. They just want me to be satisfied and happy and are ready to support me 100%.

Now what has happened recently that makes me write in this thread?

It's been about 4 months that I've quit my job that I was in for 1 year because I wanted to find a job in my own major. Ever since then, I haven't searched for a single job. I've been sitting in my apartment, playing various online games and also watching porn (being afraid of low sperm count is another major fear that I have right now). During this time I have been eating into my savings, I've probably left the apartment maybe 10-15 times only, I haven't been cooking for myself and therefore I've lost quite a lot of weight (I've been spending a lot of time being starved), I've been late in paying my bills, etc. even though I still have the money (I can't make up the determination to do those stuff...really).

But the worst thing that's been happening to me is, I've been remembering a random embarrassing moment in my life like every few hours or so, and it would make me cringe for a few minutes; that would make me want to immediately turn my attention to the game or go watch porn, just so the pain stops.

There are more aspects of my personality that frustrate me to no end, but I think those were the more important ones; and to be honest by this point, my head is hurting so bad that I don't want to think of more of this stuff. I can't continue like this. I don't deserve my family, they've been worried sick and I'm constantly lying to them (they live far from me). I don't deserve all the good qualities and opportunities that I've been given.

It's OK if you can't/don't want to give me an advice. It's enough if you just leave a simple reply just so I know that I've been heard. Really, thank you.

[IrmaJean]

Hello, mh, and welcome to our community.

So sorry you're struggling.

I do notice you being hard on yourself. I hear your frustration. Can you also offer yourself some compassion and care during this difficult time?

I used to be very shy and socially anxious too. Things can improve. Have you ever sought out professional help? Therapy was very helpful to me. It's okay to take care of yourself for you too. Self-care is so very important for all of us.

You've mentioned that you have difficulty making friends. Do you enjoy any activities or hobbies? I know it helped me to start up conversations in subject matters that I had knowledge in at first to build my confidence. You might try placing yourself in many different social situations which would allow for the opportunity to meet people. I understand that probably sounds overwhelming. All of the people you interact with are human too, though, with their own insecurities and vulnerabilities. None of us are perfect.

Sometimes it feels easier to not try than to take risks. Putting ourselves out there in the world can feel frightening, but it's the only way we have a chance to find joy. I understand it's hard. I think, too, that joy is already inside of us as potential but our experiences can make it blossom from within.

I do hear you, mh. I hope you feel better.

Edited January 31, 2014 by IrmaJean
adding

[LaLa]

Hello, mh, welcome!

I've read your entire post, too, and I'm also sorry that you're in this difficult situation - or rather "setting" (of your mind).

I also often struggle with motivation and laziness, but as I have a husband, I am at least able to take care of him and our household (and I'm lucky that I enjoy cooking), so I'm not in such a passive state as you are. But it just shows that having a person you care - about and for - can be tremendously helpful when one's having such a problem. I see that you're far from a relationship, but... maybe, for the beginning, a pet would be a good idea (do you like some animals particularly?). If you had a dog, it would motivate you to go outside every day, to buy meat/food for him - and then also perhaps to yourself, too. Going for a walk regularly is very beneficial for both physical and mental health. I know from my experience that it's often very very hard to convince oneself to leave the apartment, but once I leave and am out, I can begin to enjoy it. And if one has a dog (or perhaps another animal to go out with), there is a strong urge to overcome the laziness and go.

As you probably realize, the games and the P are for you a substitute for "something". It's an easy way to get some momentary satisfaction/gratification, but at the same time it deprives you of even a slightest motivation to do anything else. But as you yourself already feel, you need to be engaged in some meaningful activities, such that will provide probably less intensive pleasure, but a much longer-lasting good feeling (a feeling that you can "normally function", interact with others without just negative feelings, ...).

It's possible that the "remembering of a random embarrassing moment" can be interpreted as a, perhaps quite randomly "chosen" (-by your unconsciousness), symptom by which your unconsciousness is telling you that "there's something wrong with you and you need to start caring and doing something about it". (As a pain points out to a wound or sudden hair loss to some trouble in the body.) And you have started: You posted here about your problems . Don't let it be the first and also the last step!

It's often very useful to communicate about our problems and feelings on a forum like this. But it can't replace professional help. I assume you don't have enough money now for paying for psychotherapy, but ... maybe realizing the depth of your problem and the big need for such therapy could help you to get motivated to find at least some "not ideal" job - at least a source of money and source of motivation to get up every morning and do something with an important aim, not just playing or watching (which makes you even more miserable in long term). If you have doubts about therapy, just express them here; most of us have experiences with it and can answer your questions. I don't say it's the only "way out", but it certainly is (when the therapy is appropriate) a very useful, deeply eye-opeining and life-changing experience. And you really seem to need such thing...

BTW; to get rid of bad habits, one usually needs to build some new, good habit. Stopping your playing and watching would be hard as, for instance, quitting smoking, but it would be worth the pain and efforts and it would need to include some (several, not just one, I imagine) new pleasant activities. Like walking (with or without a dog), for instance. But... as you've mentioned your eating problem, it occurred to me that maybe you could find some new pleasure/fun in cooking. Nowadays, the web is full of easy recipes of all kind with detailed instructions, so even if you're a beginner, it wouldn't be hard to learn. I had almost zero experience with cooking when I got married, but I started loving it immediately when I was "forced to" do it ("forced" by myself and the situation). This way, you can have also quite a good control over your health and feelings related to good eating. In the beginning, you would probably have to force yourself to do it, but then it may bring a good feeling that you're able to do something new and good, that you're actually practically taking care of yourself - that might in turn make you care more "mentally", too.

Good luck!

Edited January 31, 2014 by LaLa
added something

[mh2210]

Thanks guys for replying with such positive comments.

I have to say, I never realized the importance of sharing. It's amazing the sheer amount of momentum I got from just that. Yesterday I did some house cleaning, went to get my hair cut and some food. It was quite refreshing. Although I had reached this stage a couple more times before but I was never able to utilize this momentum and I would go back to locking myself up again. So I'm not foolish enough to think that this is over. I think I had bottled up for so long that I subconsciously broke down. Anyways, It's all thanks to your wonderful comments that I got here and I'm gonna try my best to get some help.

I can not bear the thought of me getting depressed and as a result another animal would get hurt just cause I couldn't take it out or buy food for it. Maybe I could do with a plant? In my own eyes plants are as a lovely existence as the animals but the difference is in worst case scenario I could still tend to them from inside the apartment. I know that wouldn't fix my problem (as much as a dog would) exactly but maybe it's a middle ground or something? Anyways good suggestion.

to get rid of bad habits, one usually needs to build some new, good habit.

This is Gold.

I did used to walk a lot, but that wouldn't help me with my loneliness. It's great to have an anchor. Someone who is intimate enough with you to have the authority to check up on you without your permission (maybe not exactly, but you get what I mean, other than friends and such). That's why I explained how I never could build a relationship first in my comments. I think if I was able to do just that, it would've solved many of the problems I've had up until now. Not being able to build relationship might not have been the primary cause of my depression, but imho it was certainly a key milestone in the chain of events/causes that lead to it.

Anyways, again, thank you Jean and LaLa for your wonderful replies.

[Ralph]

I read what you wrote. I am not good at advice, but I can tell you what I've noticed. The first thing I noticed is that you lead off with some bad points about yourself, after mentioning that you basically had to push yourself to even make such a posting. Well, no wonder your motivation is low if you are just going to beat yourself up. Here's a challenge: Write down five things you like about yourself and post it as a reply to this thread.

The second thing I noticed is your use of adjectives tends towards the emphatic, "Always," "very," "extremely," and, "no matter what I do..." I wonder if you have ever questioned these thoughts, as in, are you always unmotivated? Really? For every second of your life, you have had no motivation whatsoever? It took some motivation to get out of bed. Even if you wrote your posting from a laptop in bed, well it took some motivation to arrange internet access and a laptop to be accessible from bed, and that would take planning ahead as well. See? You've got what it takes to achieve your goals! You just need to... like... direct your energy... or something. You can ask yourself these questions whenever you catch yourself thinking in absolutes: Is this belief consistent with observable facts? If I push this belief to its logical conclusion - for example "always" meaning every second of every day, past present & future - will it be helpful to hold such a belief? Is it logical (free from logical fallacies such as begging the question)?

You can also try this on your embarrassing thoughts - I am guessing the memories of past events are distressing because of the thoughts you have around them, such as "I'm such an idiot," "What is wrong with me," "I can't stand it that..." or others. Think about the way you are talking to yourself. Is this the way you would talk to a close friend? If it happened when you were in childhood, would you speak to a child that way? I am guessing you wouldn't. But don't you deserve as much compassion as you would give someone else in the same circumstance? If not, why? What is so special about you, sir, that makes the standard for yourself so much higher than it would be for someone else?

The third thing I noticed is that you mention motivation multiple times. A misconception about motivation is that you need motivation to get started. It's usually the other way around - the motivation shows up after we get started. You also may be still attached to what you are doing now, e.g., porn & gaming. Yet again, you may be unclear as to what your true goals are, and since you have conflicting goals you can't seem to get started on any of them. Does any of this sound close?

There is a lot more that I could say here, but I think your main desire was to be heard, so I wrote this just to say that yes I heard you. If anything else helps, then great. I think there is also an issue with self acceptance. If you cannot be kind towards yourself, how long will it last that you are kind to others? If you want to know more about goals, I could share what has worked for me. Other than that, you could do some self study online regarding goals and motivation. There is probably more out there in google search results than I've ever thought of.

[LaLa]

Indeed, sharing indeed is important - and it can sometimes actually help even if it's "only by the internet". I'm very glad to see that you "have started" (again, but maybe this time, it will last longer and will be accompanied with some new, helpful insights/ideas/... motivations ?) and even feel better about yourself!! I wish you to stick with it and not to give up when this enthusiasm decreases or disappears for some time. I know it sometimes does, most of us have moments when we "can't" do "anything (positive)", miss motivation, and tend to loose hope. But that doesn't mean gradual progress is be impossible! Those are just moments and we can even learn in time how to overcome them better, more quickly. (Maybe Ralph will share what worked for him - I bet it would be inspirational!)

A plant (or rather more plants ) is also a good idea, IMO! Among the reasons you mentioned, it (well; some species of "house plants" - just google them) clears the air (not only gives oxygen, but also eliminates some toxins evaporating from the furniture and carpets) .

Good luck and keep posting!