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having a really hard day


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so today has just gone utterly horribly.My mother and i have a hard enough time coping with each other but add in the mixture of the two of us cleaning and its like sitting up a cherry bomb in the house just waiting to go off.

I hate living at home I mean I am 30 years old for crying out loud, I want to move out but I have to get a job first.

well me and my mother were cleaning house today, and we got into it over thing mostly her saying negative things to me over and over again and i was getting frustrated and was starting to raise my voice at her and cussing a lil cause I was losing my patience since this same scenario kept going on over and over again.

well it basically ended with her locking the storm door to the outside where it was snowing and icing out seeming as through she was threatening to kick me out. I guess I freaked out....over being outside and feeling like she finally had kicked me out. I hit the door with my fist and next thing I know I punched through the glass on the door :( -__ - well after that point both of us were just pretty much freaked the hell out.

I did not aim to destroy the door in the least, I just panicked and I feel like it was me going into basically survival mode, doing whatever I felt I had to do to try to have shelter and survive their was not feelings of revenge or anything....I mean yes I might have been angry but my motive was just too get back into the house at whatever cost...in the heat of the moment...well in a very fucked up way i guess.I succeed in that.

now I just feel like an ass.

I have a minor eating disorder and this through me into that way of thinking.....basically that I did not deserve food for the way I had acted kind of thinking. I kept fairly quiet for the rest of the day and just continued to help clean around the house and kept my mouth the hell shut.

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