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will I ever trust again?


Confusedaily
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My name is Donna,

I came to this site a year ago while leaving a monster who is a sociopath.

I barly made it out alive.

I moved far away from him. I literally gave up my intire life. My home, my friends my family. I left everone and everything. So i could be free from his grip.

Over this past year, ive had to deprogram myself. Finding me again. My likes. My dislikes. My emotions. My love and my hate.

I have a new life now that ive made for myself.

But im still alone. I talk to few people on facebook. But i refuse giving my number . Or where i am to anyone.

I go shoping and if i see an old friend of mine and his. I get mad. Cuz they have no idea why i left.

I meet a few people started a friendship. But the first time they showed me any type of conrolling behavior id get mean. Id be nasty to them until the. friendship was over.

I hate that i cant trust anyone. Ive isolated myself in my home. Scared to go out cuz of people. When i do leave i speak to noone. This iisnt me. I dont know how to trust.

So i thought maybe id post here and listen to what all of you got to say. Yes im in theropy. And i attend a group for abused women. Nothing helping. Im getting worse.

Thank you for letting me ramble.

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This is all new to me. I think thats why im having a hard time. It makes no scence. I am not a angry woman. I love loving. I nerture people. I feel their pain. Im very caring and kind and loving. Id not hurt anyone. So im confused again. I react very hostial to people. I wont let anyone get close to me. Its like ive replaced his abuse with my own. And its full of hate and anger.

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Hey Donna! Nice to see you again. :)

Your lack of trust is so understandable but I hear you about wanting to regain it.

Are you in the same city as him? I don't know if this will work for you, and it is drastic, but there are people who move to a different part of the country and even change their name. That gives them a new start in feeling safe about giving out their name to potential friends.

Have you read the book "Women who love too much"?

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Hi Luna, its good to see faces (Screen names :-) i know and..... YES TRUST. so its not completly gone. You and a few other here where my light when i was at my darkest. Thank u all if i hvnt said that yet.

TRUST... WOW i gave everything. It cost my life. Really am i free?? I cant even trust myself to trust someone else so i can have one flipping friend. No luna i still live in same town. I see his followers often. And i make sure they let him know. Im wonderful. Im doing great without him. U tell no one thid prison ive put myself into. Yes im free from his abuse. Yes i did it on my own. Yes im still taking my life back. My artwork is coming along great. Even started selling them. Im closer to my children then i have been in years. Im happy. I truly am. But im also so so lonely. It. Cripples me. I shut down completly at hello. Then think what does this #%/"@ want? WHY DID HE/SHE SAY HELLO TO ME???

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What you are feeling is SO, SO understandable.

Some time ago I used to have the following quotation in my signature:

"Then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

I think that day will come for you, when your loneliness gives you greater pain than the suspicion about people's motives. It *will* take some risk, but you can take it in small steps. Eventually a person who is repeatably friendly towards you will give you confidence that they aren't going to exploit you.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Yes I am Irma, thank u for asking. Its really about the only thing Im not confused about. I go into my bubble . Its me the brush and paint. No one or thing cant touch me there. Its wonderful. My problems are as soon as I put the brush down.

Ive been attending a ptsd group. Seeing a therepist. I even moved into a independent living house. I have a private room so I can paint and be aline. There are 3 others in the house. I actually love it here. Been here scence christmas. Im trying to enjoy others. Its just so damn hard.

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  • 3 weeks later...

It saddens me to see people like you. I don't understand your condition at all, but I do know people personally who have experienced partners/parents/etc with sociopathic tendencies, that would do all sorts of cruel things, like beating, verbally abusing, and far far worse. But I've never understood how a victim could blame themselves for it. I know generaly speaking how victims can blame themselves- generally speaking through faulty coping methods formed during time with the abuse. and I guess cognitive behaviour therapy is supposed to address that. but on a more personal level, I don't know what to say to help other than to say good luck. I have Asperger's so I don't know if any of this comes off as insensitive. I just want to be a member of this community.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you octupassrex.. your kind words are enough. Again thank you. I pray on everything I hold dear to me. YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND IT. It pleases me you dont. Because if you ever do. It means your going thru it or went thru it. I dont ever want anyoneto do it. Mine tried killing me. Unfortunatly for him. My will to live was stronger than ANYTHING he had and has. I live today in peace. Loving me. Well still learning that. But over all im happy. And even met a kind man. Hes an artist as well. Ive come a long way. Thanks to everyone here. You all are amazing. Tjank u for allowing my healing to start here. Your all awesome.

Love ya :-)

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I was down town today. I ran into a few old friends. Well his people. They were very happy to see me. We chatted a bit. Then I saw him. He looked horrible. Lost weight. He has aged 10 years. He was trying to act like it was all good. I said bye to the others and walked to my car. He called for me. And it didnt bother me this time. I kept walking. Honestly i didnt even feel pitty or anger. I felt nothing. It was great. I finally have over came him. And im free. My god he cant hurt me anymore. Wow.. i have healed. I thought i was just in limbo with this. Never gunna be ok. But i healed. I passed my test. And I feel wonderful..life is good

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