Confusedaily Posted February 12, 2014 Report Share Posted February 12, 2014 My name is Donna,I came to this site a year ago while leaving a monster who is a sociopath. I barly made it out alive.I moved far away from him. I literally gave up my intire life. My home, my friends my family. I left everone and everything. So i could be free from his grip. Over this past year, ive had to deprogram myself. Finding me again. My likes. My dislikes. My emotions. My love and my hate. I have a new life now that ive made for myself. But im still alone. I talk to few people on facebook. But i refuse giving my number . Or where i am to anyone. I go shoping and if i see an old friend of mine and his. I get mad. Cuz they have no idea why i left. I meet a few people started a friendship. But the first time they showed me any type of conrolling behavior id get mean. Id be nasty to them until the. friendship was over. I hate that i cant trust anyone. Ive isolated myself in my home. Scared to go out cuz of people. When i do leave i speak to noone. This iisnt me. I dont know how to trust. So i thought maybe id post here and listen to what all of you got to say. Yes im in theropy. And i attend a group for abused women. Nothing helping. Im getting worse. Thank you for letting me ramble. AAFrancesrari, escoggriert, AAOdieeryrari and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted February 12, 2014 Report Share Posted February 12, 2014 Hi Donna. I remember you well. It's good to hear from you. It's great that you have started a new life for yourself and you are seeking out help. I'm sorry things are so hard. Have you always had difficulty with trust or is this new since your most recent abusive relationship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted February 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 This is all new to me. I think thats why im having a hard time. It makes no scence. I am not a angry woman. I love loving. I nerture people. I feel their pain. Im very caring and kind and loving. Id not hurt anyone. So im confused again. I react very hostial to people. I wont let anyone get close to me. Its like ive replaced his abuse with my own. And its full of hate and anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victimorthecrime Posted February 13, 2014 Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 Be patient w yourself, healing can't be rushed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted February 17, 2014 Report Share Posted February 17, 2014 Hey Donna! Nice to see you again. Your lack of trust is so understandable but I hear you about wanting to regain it.Are you in the same city as him? I don't know if this will work for you, and it is drastic, but there are people who move to a different part of the country and even change their name. That gives them a new start in feeling safe about giving out their name to potential friends.Have you read the book "Women who love too much"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted February 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2014 I dont ever want to love again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted February 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Hi Luna, its good to see faces (Screen names :-) i know and..... YES TRUST. so its not completly gone. You and a few other here where my light when i was at my darkest. Thank u all if i hvnt said that yet. TRUST... WOW i gave everything. It cost my life. Really am i free?? I cant even trust myself to trust someone else so i can have one flipping friend. No luna i still live in same town. I see his followers often. And i make sure they let him know. Im wonderful. Im doing great without him. U tell no one thid prison ive put myself into. Yes im free from his abuse. Yes i did it on my own. Yes im still taking my life back. My artwork is coming along great. Even started selling them. Im closer to my children then i have been in years. Im happy. I truly am. But im also so so lonely. It. Cripples me. I shut down completly at hello. Then think what does this #%/"@ want? WHY DID HE/SHE SAY HELLO TO ME??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted February 24, 2014 Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 What you are feeling is SO, SO understandable.Some time ago I used to have the following quotation in my signature:"Then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais NinI think that day will come for you, when your loneliness gives you greater pain than the suspicion about people's motives. It *will* take some risk, but you can take it in small steps. Eventually a person who is repeatably friendly towards you will give you confidence that they aren't going to exploit you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted March 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2014 Thank u Luna. I have never been this alone. I so scared to feel anymore. Its crazy. I just dont understand this fear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 26, 2014 Report Share Posted March 26, 2014 Are you still painting these days, Donna? Maybe doing something you find pleasurable can help balance some of the negative feelings you've been experiencing with positive ones? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted April 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 Yes I am Irma, thank u for asking. Its really about the only thing Im not confused about. I go into my bubble . Its me the brush and paint. No one or thing cant touch me there. Its wonderful. My problems are as soon as I put the brush down. Ive been attending a ptsd group. Seeing a therepist. I even moved into a independent living house. I have a private room so I can paint and be aline. There are 3 others in the house. I actually love it here. Been here scence christmas. Im trying to enjoy others. Its just so damn hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted April 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 My profile pic is a mural I painted on my closet door. I painted it 3 days ag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 22, 2014 Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 The painting is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your art with us. Self expression is one way to shine as the person you are.It's great that you like your new home. I wish you well and hope you continue to heal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octupassrex Posted May 8, 2014 Report Share Posted May 8, 2014 It saddens me to see people like you. I don't understand your condition at all, but I do know people personally who have experienced partners/parents/etc with sociopathic tendencies, that would do all sorts of cruel things, like beating, verbally abusing, and far far worse. But I've never understood how a victim could blame themselves for it. I know generaly speaking how victims can blame themselves- generally speaking through faulty coping methods formed during time with the abuse. and I guess cognitive behaviour therapy is supposed to address that. but on a more personal level, I don't know what to say to help other than to say good luck. I have Asperger's so I don't know if any of this comes off as insensitive. I just want to be a member of this community. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Thank you octupassrex.. your kind words are enough. Again thank you. I pray on everything I hold dear to me. YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND IT. It pleases me you dont. Because if you ever do. It means your going thru it or went thru it. I dont ever want anyoneto do it. Mine tried killing me. Unfortunatly for him. My will to live was stronger than ANYTHING he had and has. I live today in peace. Loving me. Well still learning that. But over all im happy. And even met a kind man. Hes an artist as well. Ive come a long way. Thanks to everyone here. You all are amazing. Tjank u for allowing my healing to start here. Your all awesome. Love ya :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 27, 2014 Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 This is wonderful, Donna. So glad you are feeling better. And you met a kind man too. That is great. Best wishes to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 I was down town today. I ran into a few old friends. Well his people. They were very happy to see me. We chatted a bit. Then I saw him. He looked horrible. Lost weight. He has aged 10 years. He was trying to act like it was all good. I said bye to the others and walked to my car. He called for me. And it didnt bother me this time. I kept walking. Honestly i didnt even feel pitty or anger. I felt nothing. It was great. I finally have over came him. And im free. My god he cant hurt me anymore. Wow.. i have healed. I thought i was just in limbo with this. Never gunna be ok. But i healed. I passed my test. And I feel wonderful..life is good Victimorthecrime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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