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44 Year-old Male Virgin.


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I am a 44 year-old Virgin man, diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome NOS and Avoidant Personality Disorder. People like me have a hard time building and maintaining relationships and spend a lot of time alone and in our own world. Being physically romantic or affectionate does not come naturally (I refer to it as lack of NBI: Natural Basic Instinct) and have to work at it to achieve it. Basically, being random is like a foreign langauge to me and I would have to be qued in or I wouldn't know when to act.

I very much want to have a first with a woman but have to build the social skills, find a way out of my head and find a good DBT therapist to do so. Going undiagnosed, the journey was hard. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t connect with others, it felt like I was just broken. You can imagine the time I will have, trying to explain lack of experience/relationships to any future mate I may have.

The 40 year-old Virgin Movie, is more realistic than some people might imagine. Just glad I am Not the only one. Of course I understand the main character didn't have those issues, I am just saying. I am glad this forum exists too.

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I used to live next to 27 year old virgin with Aspergers. Despite being incredibly attractive, he'd never been able to get sex his entire life. When he started hitting on me I found that unsurprising. He was so insulting I had no problem turning him down.

Maybe you can learn from his mistakes. The biggest thing he did was fail to make women feel respected.

He never told me he had affection for me, or thought I was beautiful, or wanted to be with me. Instead he whined endlessly about how sexually frustrated he was. I got the idea that he was desperate enough to fornicate with any warm, female body he could get his grubby paws on.

As a result, I did not feel honored when he pursued me, and I was not the least bit tempted to give in.

Women want to be desired, respected, wooed and cherished. They don't want to be picked up out of desperation. Here is my advice to you.

1) Don't pursue a woman unless you like her and respect her. Men with Aspergers can't get away with that, and its a good thing that they can't, because relationships without respect are always horrible.

2) When you pursue a woman, don't talk about being desperate, horny, or insecure. It will make you sound pathetic and not desirable. Even worse: talking about being desperate for ANYONE might make your lady friend question whether you sincerely like her as an individual. If you really do like her, it would be sad if you made her think otherwise.

3) Don't accidentally become a stalker. I realize that up to this point, I have emphasized that woman want to be desired. That is part of the reason why there is a market for romantic movies where heros display their love and passion by spontaneously showing up at their love's doorstep or participating in a high speed car chases.

Unfortunately, in the real world, such behaviors lead to restraining orders, disorderly conduct and sexual harassment charges. The reason why actions have different results in the real world than they have in the movies is that, unlike in movies where love is always eventually returned, the real world has imperfection; Not all attention is welcome. Be mindful of this and get in the habit of asking women questions whenever you are in doubt. Ask for their number instead of finding it on your own. Agree with them about when and where you will meet.

4) Give complements and show appreciation. Let your lady friend know how beautiful she is, and how much you appreciate her as a person.

Good luck.

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"Going undiagnosed, the journey was hard"

I can definitely believe that.

Hope you will reach out to others, did you try Aspergers groups? Some therapy can really help if you have difficulty with reflecting too much over things or reactions from others.

The lack of "nbi" must be frustrating, but I do believe you can have a satisfying relationship so long as you communicate well verbally.

Good luck!

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  • 5 months later...

Wow 44. I'm. 35. Never even kissed a girl. I'm ugly with a tiny penis but it's beyond the physical thing now. I wouldn't be able to get intimate now because of the strong psychological barrier. I wonder with people with aspergers and other psychological boundaries when it comes to intimacy whether they could be services ( not prostitution ). Where a person could be given sex in a gentle controlled environment

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I wonder with people with aspergers and other psychological boundaries when it comes to intimacy whether they could be services ( not prostitution ). Where a person could be given sex in a gentle controlled environment

by "controlled environment" i hope you don't mean that the staff would be observing the act :P .

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  • 1 year later...

I can sympathize with you, resolute and 1978

(although, 1978, i refuse to add the rest of your screen name to "1978."

Because i refuse to use any words that put you down.)

I was a virgin until after (years after) graduate school, and was very ashamed of myself because of it.

I want you to know that you are not the only ones.

Many of us had this experience.

It wasn't our fault; we didn't choose to be unattractive.

And all those people who come back at you with "it's only because you don't have CONFIDENCE"?

Don't let them rip you guys; fact is, they wouldn't've dated you for a million dollars (if female) or

(if male) introduced you to their sister.

They're not on your side, they're not interested in helping you.

This forum, though, is where you'll find people like me who have walked in your shoes.

I know how ashamed you felt (or feel; and i often still do, too).

But you have other special qualities that deserve respect,

and if i knew more about those qualities, i would probably be very impressed with you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Shall I contribute some female perspective on the same problem?

In my case, I think its more of a personality problem. I'm no beauty queen but I'm not ugly either. Yup. Probably my personality. My cluelessness is probably misconstrued as me being an ice queen or something. If not that, maybe because I'm a walking raincloud at time. Or maybe a bigger impediment would be my mistrust in men. (am laughing at myself really hard)

I dunno. I have no clue.

Anything on my list ring a bell to you?

Not sure what you mean by cluelessness.

Why do you mistrust men?

Do you make yourself available to men?

Being a lifelong virgin is different for men. Women can get sex pretty much anytime they want it. Unfortunately most women attach feelings for the other person over the physical pleasure and most guys don't want to go through the whole process of "getting to know her" just to get laid.

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Guest ChinaDoll

Gah! I don't really want this about me. Sorry. I was just trying to say that girls have this sort of problem too. If you say that its different for a guy then okay... I won't say anything more.

I'm really fine with the way I am. Sex simply is not that important to me. Forget I ever commented.

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Your perspective is also valid, CDoll

Although virginity is a source of shame for many of us,

it doesn't follow that it's necessarily shameful for everyone

(and for purposes of this discussion, i'm equating

a current non-sexual lifestyle with virginity, even though i realize they're different).

If you're happy with your lifestyle, with or without sex,

then there's no problem.

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  • 1 year later...

you'r not alone , virginity for ever bro i'm 28 and  i never talked or met a girl, my mother tells me always you'r living in your own world.with these new generations ppl changed they are more materialist  life lost it's taste and doesn't make any sense to me. my only real hope is not to be in hell in the nextlife.probably i go jihad someday not into killing innocents.

in the end no one knows what the future hiding for him, but in theory with my attitude i will be alone to death and i like being alone don't forget girls or friends can bring you problems too

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2017-07-20 at 2:19 AM, bizzarecontact said:

probably i go jihad someday not into killing innocents.

But who is "innocent" and who not, according to you? And what gives you the proof that you - or and authority you decide to follow - are able to tell the difference? (For instance, you've already posted, on this forum, several comments that were considered as inadmissibly hateful by most, if not all, of us, which shows you at least the variety of human perception of (in)admissible and (in)acceptable behaviour and speech...)

On 2017-07-20 at 2:19 AM, bizzarecontact said:

don't forget girls or friends can bring you problems too

Yes, everything has its "negative side". This may be a consolation, I agree. But not a reason not to engage in friendships or other potentially fulfilling relationships.

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