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Yeah, I know, I suck.


ThePetPerson
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I know I suck, I only come on here when I'm struggling and I hardly ever post on anybody else's topics. I also have a good friend on here, who I keep intending to email, but I just never do. So yes, I'm terrible, I know.

I'm 18, stuck in a psychiatric hospital with people 30 years older than me and the only person I really see in the outside world is my girlfriend. I am not enrolled in any education, I have no money to my name, no job, and no matter how hard I try I can't fix any of that. I have no friends, and the people I miss so much are people I met in my previous hospital and live about an hour away. They don't really want anything to do with me, they just see me as a 'hospital friend' but they all have lives to be living, all I've got is this hospital which I can't seem to get out of because I can't find any housing and my social worker is of no help. I've spent the last full week crying my eyes out day in, day out. My family don't want anything to do with me anymore because of my self harm issues and my eating disorder is really starting to get a tight grip. I feel so alone and so hopeless.

The worst part of it for me is, I don't want to go back to how I was a year ago before my admission, comfortably consumed in my illness, getting enjoyment out of my suicide attempts and self harm, not really wanting to change, but at the same time, I can't seem to find a way to move forward. I've known happier times now, I've really enjoyed the company of people my age and I've made friends but they're all moving on, they don't want me anymore, they want to forget. I'm two years behind everyone in my college now, and everything just seems so pointless but I genuinely don't want to kill myself this time around, but there just seems to be no other choice.

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It's good to reach out when we need to and any of us can only give what we have to offer. I'm glad you checked in here with us; it's why we are here. I hope you will be gentle with yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through so much. :( I'm sorry your family has not been supportive. :( Are you receiving counseling and help there that has been beneficial to you? It's great that you were able to make friends. Friendships can be so healing. Is there any way you can share some time with people your age or is everyone there much older? Sounds like a difficult situation. :-( Have you shared your feelings with your social worker or counselor there?

We are here to listen if expressing yourself more is helpful.

Take care as best as you can, O. (((hugs)))

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So sorry you’re having a bad time, PP. You don’t suck – although LaLa posted an article about anger in therapy last year that I found relevant. Sounds like maybe you’re directing realistic anger about life against yourself? If so, that situation really sucks and I know it well. Actually, for me, it was RAGE against life.

I got better – that’s actually a catch phrase on an alternative mental health site that I’ve seen. But realistically, in the world, here’s what’s going on for me: I continued therapy and also went to a peer-support center after Mother died almost a year and a half ago with the goal of “re-socializing” myself. That wasn’t something that they offered, exactly, but the certified peer specialists have the goal of supporting people attain their own goals, so it kind of fit together. Not “perfectly”, as in what I thought and felt I needed, but not a terrible off-fit either. Best resource I could find in my area, so I took advantage of it.

Doesn’t “fit” much anymore, but there is a computer website called “Meetup.com” here in the US where people with similar interests can get together and talk. I signed up for some starting last December and that is going OK.

Last Tuesday, I went to an investment seminar (appropriate for retired people my age) and really enjoyed it. I left and started crying in my car “I’m so sorry, God, that I’ve been so mean and hateful these last 15 years (since my husband died).” That was the little girl in me. The adult knows I did the best I could, and though the feeling of grief was overwhelming, I got over it. Grief over lost time is normal, according to my T. Still tough to feel.

Hope this helps. I’m not on here often much these days either. Still, I’m glad to read what’s going on with you. Hope it’s better soon. :)

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Hello, O., I'm so glad to hear from you again!!!

I can only agree what IJ and DD have written about this kind of reaching out and about your feeling that "you suck".

My family don't want anything to do with me anymore because of my self harm issues

I'm so sorry that your family has awfully "rejected" you :( ... It's so hard to understand - mainly now, when you're better and it wouldn't be as difficult for them as before. A very sad consequence of the lack of believe that people can change for better... Not to mention the main point: That you need them and they don't realize it :(. If they only knew that they would save you with their love and care! I'm sure they would want you back. But they don't understand. So I wonder if there is a way to explain this all to them. How much did the social worker or a psychologist try to explain your situation to them? Maybe she hasn't tried enough (?). And have you ever tried or you haven't got the opportunity (or courage)?

my eating disorder is really starting to get a tight grip

How do they treat you for the ED in the hospital? And do they know everything, don't you hide it's getting worse again? I imagine it's hard, but you have to be open with them...

Am I right to suppose that this worsening is a consequence of the current situation you've described in your post here? Because it really seems so. Anyway; of course what you ultimately need is to move forward with your life; find a home, start college again or a temporary job, but before solving this underlying problem, it's important not to let the symptoms (-ED) to destroy you and/or to take away your chances to do so. So, I know it would be much easier for you to cope with the ED if you had a concrete, realistic vision/promise of a bright near future, but at the same time, to get closer to such vision, to such future, you need to focus on the present, on your relationship to your body, on your coping skills. You may see this time in this hospital, no matter how hard the conditions are there for you (-BTW; you can always imagine it being much worse - maybe it could help; to think about "madhouses" in the 19th century and the 1st half of the 20th century, or maybe even about some worse places on earth...), you may see this time as an "extra" time "given to you" to do nothing but work on your mental healing. I understand that healing was much easier when you were around people who you befriended. Maybe also the care and the therapies were better in the previous hospital (?). But I believe there is a way to benefit from the time you spend there (where you are now), too.

I've heard a lot (in documentaries) from people who were in prisons for many years, sometimes alone in a room for many months (for political reasons, not because of any crime). I'm sorry I'm not able to share more about/from their wisdom, but... at least one thing: Even this can be an eye-opening and positively transformative experience, if one finds a way to work on one's mental state (not to become depressive, apathetic, hopeless, ...). They all needed to focus on something to keep themselves sane. Most of them were maltreated and didn't even know if they will sometimes be free again. Yes, they (those who offered their testimony) were mentally fine when they were imprisoned, so you might say it was a big advantage. It was, but your advantage is that you're not maltreated (I hope so!; in any case; certainly not so badly), you're in an environment designed for making you better, not worse, you have some professionals there who want to help you in your efforts to get better, ... But I think the principal work has to be done in your mind, by you (like in their case).

It seems that your current suffering is mainly due to the insecurities about your future, but in fact, you may see your future as blurry as they did and still focus on the present, on the goal to manage to make your present days better - by taking care of yourself, your body, ... I'm quite sure it will make you feel much better prepared for leaving the hospital and that in the meantime, when you'll observe your progress, you'll become also stronger in thinking about the future - to plan your life, without being overwhelmed by fear, hopelessness, and sadness like now.

I don't want to go back to how I was a year ago before my admission, comfortably consumed in my illness, getting enjoyment out of my suicide attempts and self harm, not really wanting to change [...] I genuinely don't want to kill myself this time around

This is a huge progress (can you appreciate it?!) and I'm very happy to hear it. You're brave and you've accomplished a lot. The fact that it doesn't guarantee you happiness and solutions to "all" problems isn't a reason to belittle or dismiss this progress.

I've really enjoyed the company of people my age and I've made friends but they're all moving on, they don't want me anymore, they want to forget. I'm two years behind everyone in my college now, and everything just seems so pointless

It's always hard to loose friends, for everybody. No wonder that in your situation, when you're so very vulnerable, it makes you feel so lonely. However, do notice how you make conclusions from it: You move from the positive to the loss of it and then seem to conclude that "everything just seems pointless". But what I see in your descriptions is that you've been able to make friends (not everybody is!), you've been able to be a valuable part of a nice community, you've been able to enjoy relationships. That isn't something that disappeared with your "hospital friends"! You'll make new friends and you'll enjoy it in future - isn't that a nice perspective? Unlike some other people, you have this confidence that you can make good friends (that people can like you and enjoy being with you). So... "what's the point" now (when there isn't the right opportunity to do so)? What about healing yourself to become better prepared for life, for the future opportunities, whenever and wherever they'll come?

Can you read books ("from outside" and/or downloaded from the web) there? I hope so much you can! Would it be possible to get some books that are related to your study (I mean not exactly textbooks, rather some popular psychology, something about the brain, perhaps the morals, social psychology or biology, perhaps some philosophy, ... - there are plenty of them, some even for free as e-books or audiobooks)? First of all, it would be a good way to spent some of the "empty" time (you cannot always just analyze yourself ;-) ) and it would also allow you to broaden your horizons in a relevant field. Not only relevant to your presumed/intended study, but also to your own human growth. What do you think? (And don't reject if for some practical reasons; there must be a way to do it! ;o) )

I genuinely don't want to kill myself this time around, but there just seems to be no other choice.

The "seems" is the most important word here; can you see? ;-) I believe you can...

Take care and keep posting, if possible!

And... please, accept my BIG HUGS!!! :-)

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How does that make you suck, Pet? It's a place for people in need, after all ...

I'm thinking of going back to college, so I'll be thirty years behind my classmates. Except for the experiences I've had, in the meantime. You've had experiences that many of your peers have never had, too. Of course not all of the experiences have been good ones, but I bet each one of them has taught you something. Some of your peers might benefit from the things you've learned, instead of having their breakdowns later in life when maybe the stakes will be higher (for them. There are no stakes higher than suicide ...)

My belief is that there is nothing in life that can't be turned to some advantage, even the bad things. And if the bad things can't be prevented anyway, at least they can be survived and used for growth.

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Thank you all so much for your kind responses.

This week I feel much more peaceful within myself, it has been a very busy week and I am very tired but I am very settled.

IJ, everyone here is much older, but I have been spending a lot of time 'on leave' which has been lovely :)

DD, it really sounds like you are making some wonderful progress, and I hope it continues for you, in order to heal we have to first feel the pain.

L, you write sooo much! :P I am very lucky not to be a prisoner or in an asylum, you are right. There are people here I can reach out to, and that is something I need to work on doing. Those are some beautiful pictures.

M, I think going back to college would be wonderful for you and I hope you take it up. We are all learning and growing.

Big hugs to all.

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