What's wrong with me - am I a pedophile?

[Eckky]

Umm hey I'm knew here so hope this is in the right part

soo for the past 8 months I've been having terrible anxiety to the point where I'm in tears. Over the thought I am/might become a pedophile it scares me to death I've tried to commit suicide 3 times because of this I don't want to be one.

I've never had a sexual fantasy over a child but when I look at a kid I get the feeling I'm going to get aroused so I put my hand over my penis in hope it doesn't go hard (it never has thank god) but the thought of being a pedophile kills me it doesn't leave me alone I get a short break when I don't feel depressed but it comes back stronger idk what it is but it's like a thought "what if I am" that gets me a lot I'd kill myself before I hurt anyone especially a child idk what's wrong with me i have a girlfriend and im and I'm sexually attracted to her

when ever I hear the word pedophile I start to panic and I have to leave the room bc it's bad. Every day "what if I'm a pedophile"

"what if I become one"

im terrified to go to a therapist bc I know being a pedophile is wrong I'm running out of options when I'm no obsessing about becoming a pedophile suicide is in my head

i used to to think I was gay for a whole and that scared me

then I kept thinking I was going to be a murderer

I'm just done I want these to stop and go away so bad

I'll take my life before I put a child through something like that

can anyone tell me if I am a pedophile or if I'm just being pathetic and over thinking

[Eckky]

That's meant to be

"what's wrong with me"

i don't know how to change it

[LaLa]

Hello again; sorry, I didn't notice this post sooner.

From what you've written, you're not a pedophile, you're just struggling with obsessive-compulsive disorder. It's a treatable condition and it would really be good to start addressing it soon, as the suffering that it causes to you is unnecessary and even dangerous (as it makes you suicidal).

I understand that talking about this with a therapist is very difficult, linked to embarrassment and fear. But most of the issues we go to therapy for bring similar feelings and it's natural and possible to cope with. For instance, you don't need to tell the therapist what your obsessional thoughts are about before creating some trust, familiarity, and at least a little feeling of safety with him/her. That might take some weeks and maybe also trying several therapists. But it wouldn't be a lost time, as during this time, you could explore yourself, your childhood and some unrelated issues (I'm sure there would be something to talk about) - before becoming able to talk about the particular fear. (I'm now talking from my own experience, although my issue was of a very different nature - I revealed some of my serious problems to my T only after several months of therapy - and still it was OK and he helped me with them very effectively.)

It's true; there are pedophiles who have similar feelings (the depression, suicidality, ...), values (-rather die than to harm a child), and fears as you have. There's hope also for them, but they have it worse. You're lucky - you don't become aroused when looking at a child, you don't seek pornography, ... and you have a GF or approx. your age! You're not a pedophile. You need to get rid of the fears and thoughts before they somehow ruin you.

Take care!

____

I'll change the title for you .

[Eckky]

My girlfriend is 15 nearly 16

I'm 17 nearly 18

and I've never had OCD in the past like not that I know off

I'm just so scared

i mean I've considered castration even although it's not 100% it's still an option

I read a lot about OCD and pure o and I seriously hope it's that

and I'm around kids every day and I never got aroused but I do get anxious and I can spend little time around them or I panic and run out of the school I can never hurt a child I don't want to

people say a pedophile is 100% gonna sexually abuse a child but idk if that's true bc I have read a lot about pedophilia I read stuff on some pedophile help website predex or something like that and on there it's 40/50 year olds that have never harmed a child

mill go to the extream to not be a pedophile even if it means suicide

and thank you idk what happened with the title I'm on my iPod on this site and my iPod was so slow writing this

[LaLa]

Castration would be absurd! You need to remove the obsession, not any organ!

people say a pedophile is 100% gonna sexually abuse a child

People say a lot of nonsense . (Even on this site, you can meet some pedophiles who haven't and don't ever want to harm a child.)

It's good that you're getting informed about these issues, but maybe it would be better to stay focused on obsession and its treatment in your searches, not to read about pedophilia too much.

Anyway; good luck with your way to healing!