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This might be my "bpd" talking but...


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I am very dissatisfied with myself, I feel as if I'm not doing as well as I could be but not as badly as I could be, I'm not trying hard enough to be well but I'm not letting myself be ill, I'm not doing everything I could be to be moving on with my life but I'm not sitting around doing nothing either. I hate it. It's so uncomfortable, I've never felt so anxious in my life, I'm terrified because I feel like I don't know where I stand which leads to uncertainty of where I'll end up.

I say dissatisfied because it isn't the intense self-hatred I so often feel, because I secretly think I'm actually pretty remarkable. I'm far from perfect, but all my flaws are actually pretty good qualities, I mean, who wouldn't love me? I believe that everyone I meet is obsessed with me, everyone is constantly staring at me, copying me, wishing they were me, intimidated by me, scared of me... I've never been honest about this to anyone, but screw anyone who doesn't like it, I'm better than them anyway! But of course, a part of me knows this is not true, and another part of me hates me for daring to even think it.

My girlfriend is going on holiday this Friday and I'm nervous. I feel like she often talks sense and helps to keep me grounded, so a week without her may be disastrous. At the moment, I've been having very vivid dreams of self harm and I know that acting them out will 'set me back' in real-life terms, but in my head, it seems like such a good idea. I have already decided that I will be fasting the week she is away, and I wish I knew why, other than because I am so in love with destroying myself.

Today I signed up for a two year phone contract, and I got anxious about the commitment, it got me thinking very much about how everything could pan out and when I made peace with the fact that I had ruined my entire by signing this contract, it really hit me what was so scary; I had pretty much committed to being alive for the next two years. WHAT?! Part of me was looking for my own place to live, my first home, whilst the other part was planning to be emaciated within a month and thinking about injecting heroin, but at no point did I consider that I couldn't kill myself if I wanted to achieve any of this. I know it's a pretty obvious thing but woah, it took me by surprise.

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I’m sorry you are not feeling well, O. :( Have you spoken with a doctor there about your symptoms? Have you tried eating smaller and more frequent meals? There can be brain involvement with eating disorders too, so it may take some time to heal and recover. How are you feeling now?

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