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Something is very wrong with me.


ShadowNothing
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I don't know how to say this. These feelings... they started around April/May of 2013. They are very horrifying and disturbing thoughts.

I... get off very hard on seeing dogs hurt and slaughtered. I mean, seeing dogs being...[/removed graphic descriptions/] All of it arrouses me very much. But at the same time, it repulses me and makes me cry in emapthy for these poor creatures. My feelings are extrememly conflicted and confusing. Let me fill in a little background info.

In september of 2012 I became Vegetarian. I could no longer support us killing animals and eating them. It left me feeling a great amount of pity for animals. This continued just fine until about March, 2013, where I discovered a video detailing the Dog Meat trade in places such as China and Korea. The video was very graphic, and it completely and utterly broke me. I sobbed and cried for days, and my sleep was interupped by constant nightmares. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then, after a little while, the pain started to fade. Little by little, to be replaced with something even worse. I wanted to watch the video again, and I did. I... "handled" myself whilst watching the video, and ever since I can't stop searching for more material.

Let me get one thing straight however: I love dogs. They are my life, and I cannot live without them. Which is why this is so confusing. Some days all I can think about is the slaughterhouses and how much I yearn to work at one and eat dog meat, while other times I curse myself and cry for all the dogs being killed. Sometimes these thoughts occur at the same time. It feels like I have a demon inside of me. I don't know how to deal with this, and I certainly cannot tell another soul that knows my name. Sometimes I wonder if it would be safer for me to kill myself so that the dogs around me are safe for certain. I cannot isolate myself from dogs, as I need them. Please help me, I don't know what to do.

Edited by IrmaJean
removed graphic descriptions
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Welcome to the community, Shadow.

I hear your distress and confusion. I don’t know if it might fit for you or not, but sometimes we can be gravitated to what fears us the most. Have you ever had any difficulty with intrusive or obsessive thoughts before? How are things in your life otherwise?

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With OCD, the pattern of thought is the actual struggle rather than what one is obsessing about. Are you seeing a professional? What has helped in the past? I would suggest not giving these thoughts your energy, though I understand this can be challenging.

Perhaps a nice walk outside with your pups might free your mind?

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I'm sorry, I've been very busy with work lately. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past few years, although I've never mentioned anything to her for obvious reasons. This is something completely different to anything I've had to deal with in the past, so I have no idea how to handle it. Cuddling with my dogs helps, but I can't do that when I'm out of the house.

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Don't worry: the lack of response probably has more to do with relatively low attendance at the site, though it may also be that we're not sure how to support you. In particular, "explanations" aren't really our strong point ...

First off, I would suggest talking to your psychologist about this. Ease into it, if you have to; start with the truth, that you love your dogs and would never hurt them (can't hurt to remind yourself of this, as well.)

As IrmaJean pointed out, sexuality can get tied into all sorts of strong emotions, especially if you add obsessive tendencies to the mix. It can also get untied, though, if you choose to. And either way, you're allowed to forgive yourself in the mean time.

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