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Yep no beer last night. It was easy - I was so tired I was in bed at 10 pm and up at 7 am.  

I had a disturbing thought. The reason it's disturbing is I don't know how to interpret it. Is it positive or negative?  Here it is:  I am genuinely comforted by knowing that I will be dead some day. This will all be over.  No more work, no more worries, no more regrets, no disappointments, no more misery & suffering.  

Now on the face of it I know that sounds pretty negative but this contemplation allowed me to enjoy life more knowing it has an ever approaching expiration date.  

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10pm is late for me. :P

I hear you. I think about that more too. I think maybe it happens naturally as we get older and become more aware...truly aware... that our death is inevitable. Losing someone who you were close to can certainly be a wake up call as well. I think I am still working on some things, but I do notice now that I have a clearer awareness of what is important to me and what is less so. I feel less anxiety in general. If this helps you to be free inside the moment that aspect seems positive to me.

Take care.

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On September 17, 2016 at 7:47 AM, Victimorthecrime said:

I am genuinely comforted by knowing that I will be dead some day. This will all be over.  No more work, no more worries, no more regrets, no disappointments, no more misery & suffering.  

I feel this way too. It's why I no longer bother to argue a point. What's the point? It's liberating when you finally realize that there will be nothing to regret once it's over. I no longer care if anyone feels my pain or not. I no longer care whether anyone speaks sense or not - what does it matter to my sanity if the rest of the world is insane? Speak nonsense and carry a big stick. This world is an illusion. Whether I love it or hate it is equally worthless in the end - the jealous shall inherit the bones of the rich.

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I don't know that I find that thought comforting but I do think about why we bother when we're just going to die and in the end nothing matters. But I still worry too much as well. I have been so twisted up for so long I have no idea what it would feel like to live a day without anxiety. I think I would feel empty, hollow.

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For me, it's somewhat different ...it's more like... I'm going to die, so these everyday worries aren't really as important as I thought they were before. I have a clear idea of what truly matters to me and I am less apt to sweat the small stuff now, as they say. I think what we do does matter, though, because we have had an effect on others throughout our lives and they would still be here. 

Starry, I think anything different can feel uncomfortable at first, even if it's a positive difference. Maybe feeling less anxiety would give you a space to build on something new?

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Hey smallstar I was glad to see your comment but sad to read about the anxiety.  What is it that gives you anxiety?  You are welcome to share more here but if not I understand.  

I actually have less anxiety now that ever before.  That doesn't mean I am happy but rather just more accepting of my life & this world.  As a child i was extremely anxious because I was skinny & getting picked on and no one gave a fuck because that is the culture here in this hell hole.  Once I hit age 13 I grew physically quite a bit and there are some people that to this day are lucky I haven't beat the fucking shit out of them.  

Anyway back to beer: I didn't drink last night. I was so tired I went to sleep early.  Now tonight, Saturday, I likely will have a couple pilsners here at home.  

 

 

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Hi victim. I actually have an answer for what gives me anxiety. I give myself anxiety because I make the wrong decision every single time. I was just in my blog and realized as I was writing that I have failed at life. Life is a gift and I wasted it and it's too late now. But I'm still alive anyway and I'll continue to make the wrong decisions.

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Lol Res. 

Oh ok thanks for the insight smallstar.  I don't think I have access to your blog, I have never seen it.  Add me!  If you want, if not all good I understand, some people keep it close knit.  

I can't say I have made all wrong decisions but I have made plenty.  What my family, friends, & teachers didn't understand is that I didn't like myself and no one does good things for people they don't like.  Oh well so it goes, I've just been feeling both angry and depressed at the same time lately.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

Last night was another Friday with no alcohol.  I contented myself w coffee which I also enjoy, both regular and decaf.  I felt relatively strong & clear headed at work yesterday & did not want to fuck it up w swill.  

Now today Saturday I am feeling a bit lethargic but am just going to do my best & not overly stress about it.  This is how Saturday's have almost always been for me, just tired from the week.  It is what it is ha ha.  

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Actually hung out w a friend last night it was fun to talk.  The good news is when I came home I did not drink which is awesome.  Now here it is Sunday and I do have a bit of a craving for a beer but going to stay busy and ride it out. Very busy weekend - chores, shopping, paying bills, some exercise, some planning.  

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