Ok, would you quit?

[Resolute]

Thanks for helping this lazy reader out. I get it.

anytime.

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Stephanie's at college. We took her Wednesday. Her and Sarah got emotional when we left, Sarah cried for 15 or 20 minutes on the way home.

Steph knows 3 or 4 kids at college. She's in music education, but the friend's in physical therapy (sports therapy) of some sort.

Steph and her were on the girls volleyball team together in high school, and her friend's already hammering on her to try out now. Daughter told her she had more credit hours than she could handle now, two primary instruments, dual majoring in another teaching area plus being in the honors college. And to top it off she jot an on campus job in the students athletic center. I'm afraid she'll relent and divert time she don't have to this.

[Resolute]

Stephanie's at college. We took her Wednesday. Her and Sarah got emotional when we left, Sarah cried for 15 or 20 minutes on the way home.

Steph knows 3 or 4 kids at college. She's in music education, but the friend's in physical therapy (sports therapy) of some sort.

Steph and her were on the girls volleyball team together in high school, and her friend's already hammering on her to try out now. Daughter told her she had more credit hours than she could handle now, two primary instruments, dual majoring in another teaching area plus being in the honors college. And to top it off she jot an on campus job in the students athletic center. I'm afraid she'll relent and divert time she don't have to this.

come on john,tell the truth,you cried too didn't you?

or at least got emotional?

you can tell me,i won't tell a soul .

[gone]

no, really didn't. I envy her.

[gone]

This weekend was a prime example of how things get out of hand and go south in a hurry. We should have waited and talked at our next appointment.

Everything's calm and smooth now. Sarah's in the clawsfoot tub in the master bath soaking. I'm relaxing with an iced tea and listening to an easy mix. (youtube Dira 'Daydream' Both of us enjoy Dira Sungandi's music)But it all blew up Friday night.

Sarah had seen the therapist for a one on one visit. I had a few of these when I first started many months ago.

I'd been in a bad mood since Tuesday. I put myself there frankly. Dark thoughts and old insecurities can drag me down fast.

Sarah got home, she wasn't much better. She needed some support, some hugs and a little conversation and I was pretty much an asshole. She tried to talk, I was fixated on my old "want to be her best lover" theme. She got short tempered and finally asked "If I told you right now you were my best would you believe me?" I snapped "HELL NO".

She sat for a second and said "So, later on down the road if we make love and I would 'finish', would you believe that?" I just said "Probably not."

She stared down at the floor for a second or two and finally said "Then we're lost"

She got up and fixed herself a cold sandwich (yeah, I'd been stewing, sitting in the dark. Didn't do anything. I had a great pity party.) I paced, stirred myself up, beat myself up.

I finally went to bed and found out she was sleeping in the spare bedroom. The bed was big and empty. I didn't sleep much.

I was up the next morning in the kitchen. She came down dressed and started out the door. I asked where she was going and she just said "Out". I thought, debated, stewed, beat myself up and generally faced the fear that this might really be it.

She came home about 6. She walked in and said we need to talk, now, bad. I immediately got up and followed her into the front room.

She said "I know how much my former lovers upset you. If I could change things about my past I would. But you've got to understand you're on a completely different level than those guys. It scared me at first. I didn't want to get emotionally involved again, but you were so down to earth and real I couldn't help it."

She went on " I could do without any or all of those guys, but I couldn't do without you. That's why I'm seeing the therapist with you, and alone like Friday. I'm trying hard to work on my issues so we can be a couple again."

I felt like absolute shit now. I told her I was sorry, that I'd allowed myself to be drug down yet again. I said we'd always be a couple, that when she needed me again I'd be there for her. We kissed and hugged. We ate a little supper and went to bed, both exhausted.

Today we worked together in the yard and garden. I'm tilling to put some fall cauliflower and broccoli out. Fall radishes are great too. The stained glass is scheduled to be done first week of Sept. I'll have it shipped back and get the boys to help me put it back in for Halloween.

Halloween was always one of our favorite holidays. We always decorate, but the trick or treaters have become scarce these last few years. All the nieces and nephews are grown up now. We still carve pumpkins and decorate, but it's not the same.

She's out and dry. I think we're going to sit together on the (same) couch and relax a while before going to bed.

[Resolute]

all's well that ends well,for a moment there i was worried,don't piss off your wife john.

[u.r.what.u.is]

I'm not sure what has set you off on a path of doubt, but your wife has made it clear that you are the one for her. I hope your therapist can help you see that for what it's worth so you can be set free. She's yours and all other guys can go fly a kite. You need to kick those guys out of your head. No need to fear them, or on the other hand, gloat over them. They have no place in your private world with your beloved.

[gone]

I know, I know. It's entirely me. I've spent the last 8 or 9 years telling myself how inept I am as a lover. How I can't hope to match the 'well hung' guys she was with.

I realize just in the past couple months I've got new data that contradicts a lot of what I held as absolute truth. It's almost impossible for me to expect for her to 'finish' when she's actively fighting it. And even with that I almost succeeded once.

I've got to stay positive. It's not easy sometimes, but I work on it. I will win. I've got a nice prize to work for.

[Resolute]

It's almost impossible for me to expect for her to 'finish' when she's actively fighting it. And even with that I almost succeeded once.

I've got to stay positive. It's not easy sometimes, but I work on it. I will win. I've got a nice prize to work for.

ya,take that prize buddy .

[u.r.what.u.is]

Agreed! Id'a liked your post in I could find the right button on Android.

[Resolute]

it's been a while since you posted john.

any developments?

[gone]

I don't think this thread is helping anyone. The only one it helps is me. I can clear my head and ramble about inconsequential sh*t that really doesn't matter here.

I don't want to be counter productive to any other members.

I'm not a debate specialist. I'm not even close to a.....wordsmith I think someone said.

We'll be ok.

[Resolute]

I don't think this thread is helping anyone. The only one it helps is me. I can clear my head and ramble about inconsequential sh*t that really doesn't matter here.

I don't want to be counter productive to any other members.

I'm not a debate specialist. I'm not even close to a.....wordsmith I think someone said.

We'll be ok.

i'm sorry you feel that way,i for one would certainly miss your posts.

and i wish you and your wife the best of luck,whether you decide to keep posting or not.

take care john.

[gone]

Thanks.

[Jessie]

hey there- I think I used the phrase wordsmith- it was about kingslor's unusual and entertaining choice of words

… but this isn't an essay competition and I always read your posts and wish you well

ps its always good to hear of couples overcoming a small penis btw!

[gone]

hey there- I think I used the phrase wordsmith- it was about kingslor's unusual and entertaining choice of words

… but this isn't an essay competition and I always read your posts and wish you well

ps its always good to hear of couples overcoming a small penis btw!

Thanks Jessie. Coming from you means a lot. You know I've always liked the way you've expressed yourself here.

What I'm finding out though is I'm the only one overcoming my small penis. It was never an issue with her. She has her own issues she's dealing with, but my size isn't one of them. My insecurity though was driving her crazy. EDIT: And her commitment problems was driving me nuts. We're both working hard on all this.

Thanks for your words, I do appreciate it.

[u.r.what.u.is]

If it's helpful only to you at nobody's expense then so be it.

[gone]

"If it's helpful only to you at nobody's expense then so be it."

So be it.......

We had our monthly couples meeting last Friday night. No real fireworks this time, thank God. Sarah's been to two one on one meetings while I stayed home. The first was when I last posted about the weekend going south. The second I was ready. Supportive and listened while she talked and sorted some personal stuff out. I think these did her a world of good in starting to let go of the past hurts so long ago.

I'd talked a little bit, just kinda rambling. The therapist stopped me and said 'The subject of your not wanting to be seen nude had come up a few times now. Most people are modest to some extent, but you seem to take things much further than most."

I said yes, to a certain extent. I told her I hate medical nudity with a passion, but I knew exactly why and how that got started. I explained about having to be examined by a urologist when 16 or 17 and then continuously by my then G.P. for a few years afterward.

I said 'This situation with Sarah started 9 or 10 years ago. I didn't used to lock the bathroom doors or avoid being undressed around her before that, but the situation just kind of evolved to that point.'

She asked 'So you felt she wouldn't view you as sexual or desirable if she seen you in the nude?' I said "Exactly. All you hear today is how ladies like to see large flaccid penises attached to guys with 6 pack abs. Even the ladies that profess to not like sex with big one say they like to see large, just to look at.

You're supposed to have 'swing' when you walk around nude. I don't. It just got easier to avoid being looked at altogether than fret and worry about it."

She said 'You seem to be in pretty good shape.' I said "Well, yeah. I have health problems that demand I keep my weight down and stay in shape. Plus it helps with my job."

We talked for a while more. She and Sarah talked a few minutes while I sat and listened. The therapist finally turned and looked at me and said "So, I hear you cheated and gave your wife a very nice nude massage."

I just gave her a bland look and said "No, I had all my clothes on." She laughed and said 'No, damnit I meant her!' I smiled and said "She needed it bad."

She said 'So it seems. But at one point it almost evolved into something more?' I said "Yes, but I backed off and just let her rest." The therapist looked at me and asked "So, did you start to get a bit turned on yourself?" I just nodded. She smiled and just said 'Good'.

She wants us to continue with the touching, stroking holding. She wants me to make a deliberate effort to be a little less modest when it's just Sarah and I in the house. She said "You don't have to do naked jumping jacks or anything like that, just normal husband wife life. We made our appointment for Sept and left.

I've spent most of the holiday weekend working on the shutters. When we first bought the house the original shutters had been removed years earlier and stored in a shed. I was bowled over when I found them! 3 or 4 had deteriorated to the point I had to rebuild them.

I got a friend that is a cabinet maker to reproduce the frames and slats. I wanted them made out of poplar. It's not a pretty wood for staining, but it paints beautifully and bugs hate the taste of it.

I saved all the original hardware. Some was cast iron, the rest steel. I already had a nice Ingersoll-Rand air compressor. I bought a small bead blast cabinet and bead blasted all the metal hardware. I found an old electric stove and brought it home. I wired a 220 single phase plug in the shed and used the oven to bake the hardware after I'd powder coated them.

After I'd stripped 4 or 5 coats of paint off the wood I found out the shutters were a dark green. I sprayed a nice forest green back on the originals, and primed and sprayed the ones that were rebuilt. I put the hinges, locks and stops back on.

We were planning on replacing all the windows. When we were looking at the new windows we kept in mind the shutters were going back on. We (well I) found a Semco double paned double hung energy efficient replacement that I could frame in to support the shutters. I framed them one by one making sure they were nice and tight. I put a nice poplar brick molding at the bottom and installed the hinges, then lowered the shutters down onto the pins that are in the hinges.

This weekend I had a couple shutters that wouldn't unlock. They were frozen open. I had to carefully dismount the top and middle hinge and pull the shutter off the bottom pin. Not an easy job about 25 feet up in the air. Luckily the windows hinge down inside for cleaning, and you can remove them completely. If this was 100 years ago, I'd a had to get a rickety wooden extension ladder and work off it. I just got the shutters ready for another cold winter.

Next I'll have to clean the chimneys and clean and vacuum the hearths. The actual fireboxes are huge so at least I don't have to crawl back into them. Except for the one in the kitchen. It has a hook that swings out into the room, or swings back over the fire. We keep an old three gallon pot on a chain on it for looks. (Although I have been known to fix a mess of ham and beans in it during the holidays.) There's two small cubby holes in the bricks just above the fire. These were used to keep bread warm years ago.

[Resolute]

i'm glad you decided to post.

...She said "You don't have to do naked jumping jacks or anything like that....

that was funny.

but you should've asked her if your wife should do naked jumping jacks for you.

[gone]

i'm glad you decided to post.

that was funny.

but you should've asked her if your wife should do naked jumping jacks for you.

Yeah, I'd forgot. During the talk we were talking about the massage, Sarah piped up and said "Maybe I should return the favor!" The therapist just looked at her and said "Maybe you should." Yeah, that'd be interesting......

[Resolute]

Yeah, I'd forgot. During the talk we were talking about the massage, Sarah piped up and said "Maybe I should return the favor!" The therapist just looked at her and said "Maybe you should." Yeah, that'd be interesting......

in addition to the massage you should insist that she do the nude jumping jacks thing too,either before or after the massage lol.

[gone]

in addition to the massage you should insist that she do the nude jumping jacks thing too,either before or after the massage lol.

Damn....you are incorrigible! I had to laugh.

She can't give a decent massage anyway. She's got no forearm or upper body strength. It does feel good when she walks on my back though.

[Resolute]

i'd make some more suggestions,but you'd get sick of me,so that's it for now.

[gone]

I'm sitting here in the screened in area just off the kitchen with a hot cup of coffee. I've had one of the best weekends of my life. All the kids are home. My youngest boy (middle child) brought his girlfriend over (they've been going together since high school....6 years now). Stephanie actually brought a guy-friend home from college unannounced (it was a last minute thing). She swears he's just a friend, it's nothing serious. He's an engineering student, graduated 1st in his high school. Honestly, just the kind of geek/nerd I figured she'd be attracted to.

I'd made a giant pot of chili up Friday afternoon because I knew all the kids would be home. Sarah and I enjoyed some around the fire ring Friday evening. The boys and I reinstalled the windows Saturday afternoon. About 6:00 we stirred the fire back up and had a nice fire around 8:00. It's been very cool the past couple evenings, we all were around the fire enjoying chili and then some S'mores last night.

About last week............................

I'd already talked about Mei-Lings foot. She's been trying to keep up with things since Glen's death. Sarah and I had been trying to help out all summer. My dad's radiation treatments have been taking priority and things had fallen behind. When Glen first got sick they'd sold off about 160 acres they owned. Mei's left with 40 acres just around the house, but it's still a lot for her to keep up with.

Last week after we got back and found out the foot was just badly sprained Sarah was tore up over whether to stay or go back to the cabin. I told her we were already here at the farm, we would just stay and do what needed. Besides I said her mom would need help getting around, showering and such for a couple days. She reluctantly agreed.

We'd built a ramp for Glen to use getting in and out of the house. We'd taken it out earlier in the spring. I temporarily reinstalled it so's Mei could hobble in and out of the house. I fired up their John Deere tractor and brush-hogged some of the weeds that had gotten away (a friend pays her a little something to cut hay on about 15 acres. The rest is either yard or wooded).

They have a nice smaller John Deere garden tractor. I think it's the smallest with a live PTO and three point. They have a nice 5' flail mower on the back, so I started it and finish mowed a couple more acres.

I repaired some soffit on the house, put a new lock on the side door of the house and repaired a trolley roller on the main shed door. We left about 11:00 with Sarah promising to check in on her often.

Friday............................

One of my nephews did the mowing for me early Friday. Sarah and I unlocked the house and just piddled around outside until I built the stockpot of chili and started the fire. We sat close together and enjoyed the chili and just enjoyed the crisp air and just talking with each other. Sarah looked at me and said "You've always treated my folks well, like they're your parents too." I said 'of course, I've always got along great with both of them. Your dad was as much a friend as a relative. And you know I just love your mom to death.'

She said "I know, but you've always went above and beyond to make then feel comfortable, at ease and to help them out when they needed it"

(Ok, now I was starting to get suspicious. Whenever I get too much blue sky and sunshine blown up my a$$ by anyone I start to wonder what's going on. I do have a little 'street smarts' about me.)

I just smiled and said 'well any couple that produced you have my eternal thanks anyway.' It was about 9:30, she got up and gave me a quick kiss and said don't be too long coming to bed.

I put out the fire, locked up the house and shut off the lights.

I walked into the bedroom and immediately walked over to the window and shut it. I heard Sarah get off the bed and walk over to the dresser.

She lit a long taper and proceeded to light four candles in glass jars. (The same ones I used for her massage.) I couldn't help but notice she was wearing a little white teddy with small red flowers and red lace. She walked over to her side of the bed and let her hair down, shaking her head back and forth until it was hanging freely.

(She has shoulder-blade length hair. ((except for two little fronds that hangs down in front. They hang about jaw length and frame her face)) She has a wooden hair-thingy that looks like a butterfly with a hole in the middle. It has two wooden sticks with balls on the ends. They look like knitting needles. She swirls her hair in the back of her head, presses this butterfly thing on it and pins it all up with the two sticks)

Anyway she glanced over to look at me. She reached up under her top and hooked her thumbs in her waistband and let her panties drop to the floor. Then she reached up and removed her spaghetti straps. Right hand on the right shoulder, left on the left. After she had the straps off her shoulders she let the top slide down off her body and drop to the floor.

She stepped out of her clothes and climbed up onto the bed. She knee-walked to the center and looked at me. I hadn't even knowingly drew a breath since all this started. She said "Now you" (I just wear underwear to bed) I stared blankly at her. She extended her right arm out toward me and said "Please, I need you!"

Yeah....that's all it took. Later, while I was in the middle of loving her I couldn't help but think this wasn't at all like the last time. Not uncomfortable, no embarrassment or unease.

Just me, and her underneath me making soft little happy noises.

Later we curled up under some quilts. She was sleeping soundly with me spooned up around her, touching with as much skin to skin contact as I could.

The next morning I woke up with a stranger. I felt around and figured out she was already up. I heard some splashing around and knew she was in the clawsfoot tub in the bathroom. I walked naked through the bathroom and seen her laid back soaking in some hot water. I walked around the dividing wall and pee'd, then I walked back out and said I was going to jump in the shower.

She sat up, looked down at the water and then looked up at me out of the tops of her eyes. She grinned (it was a nasty little grin, too!) and shook her head no and patted the water in front of her. Oooook, we've never, I mean NEVER been in that tub together.

I kept looking at her like I expected her skin to split open and an alien head to pop out. She smiled as I eased down into the water. Her legs were together, inside of mine.

Ok, she slid forward and started....ummm rubbing and fondling me with her feet, while she giggled like a school girl.

We spent a few minutes in the tub, climbed out and dried each other off and I picked her up and threw her back onto the bed.

I can't describe the next 45 minutes. It's totally xrated. But she was just the exact opposite of the sweet, gentile lady of last night.

At the very end she pressed down hard into my shoulder with her chin and held her breath. She had some sort of odd bucking spasms or something. Just enjoying the moment I guess. Whatever, she seemed to be fine later on.

This was a real breakthrough weekend for me. It didn't happen at all like I'd dreaded. I think the breakthrough moment for me was when she told me during that last intense conversation when she told me 'I could do without any or all of those guys, but I can't do without you.'

I don't expect I'll have much to add to this thread after this. I appreciate those that let me 'clear my head' with completely off topic rambling and musing. It really helped me to sort things out.

[Resolute]

i'm very happy and excited for you guys john.

as i've said before,i just love happy endings.

feel free to "sort your thoughts" here whenever you want,just don't forget "the interesting" stuff.

best of luck my friend.