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Trying to Float on a Pink Cloud


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I am making my way through my second month of sobriety (mostly for alcohol, but also some drug problems as well).

It has been going really well so far and I kind of feel like it rough going through all those aa meetings. I'm also going to smart meetings as well, which I really like. I'm glad I got diagnosed by a clinician, because otherwise the denial probably would have caught up to me by now. I like, in a certain way, all the things that aa has brought me, but part of me would rather just not drink and go back to the way things were before. I guess it's just that sobriety forces me to do uncomfortable things.

I also have some issues with social anxiety. I just don't think they are that bad. I just avoid things that will be too uncomfortable. I guess that's part of the problem. Some days I just wish people would leave me alone and let me just die, but that is on my more dour days. I am otherwise much more cheerful. Does anyone else get that feeling where when something goes wrong and the anxiety kicks in and you literally want to die? I'm thinking that's why I'm avoiding stuff right now- because I remember such vivid feelings of wanting to die associated with social rejection. But I have been doing a lot more social stuff lately and the feelings have not been so intense or extreme.

I would love to hear about different "baby steps" people have used to get over their anxiety. One of the things I have started doing is txting people from aa. That's a pretty huge step for me.

Thanks for reading.

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Welcome to our community, renewablecloud! And congratulations on your sobriety.

Many people here suffer from anxiety. And yes, it is a very human thing to "comfort" yourself with thoughts of suicide. It is not true comfort, but it can seem to take care of everything to end it all. Good for you for trying out some new skills and allowing yourself to experience some things. That is how we grow through our struggles. For me when I think about suicide it is a flag telling me I need to get to work on things, pay attention to it and address what's going on.

Seeing a therapist can really help. Is that a possibility for you?

Finding non drug/alcohol ways to relax is important too. Are there things you enjoy doing?

Wishing you well, 'cloud! :)

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Thanks. That's so true - it's "comfort." Because I don't really want to do it. My former existential crisis some 15 years back put me in a position where suicide seemed ideal - but I think that will be good to differentiate for myself.

The therapy situation has been interesting. I recently just posted on Missing my Therapist forum. I had been with this guy for 9 months, but I wound up falling in love with him (or feeling like I did - I know it's a whole lot of fantasy) I did talk to him about the transference, but it was pretty abrupt for him. I miss him and want to know that he's okay. But I don't know that's something that would be beneficial for him or me.

Now I'm on the hunt for a new therapist. Possibly a woman.

I've been liking taking pictures. I recently got a smart phone - as a recovery present to myself, so taking pictures of birds, and geese, and most recently 2 minutes of a frog trying to cross a highway.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been doing the AA thing, and last night was one full of tears. So, I've been hearing throughout my meeting that alcohol kills. And it hadn't quite sat with me until today. When I think about alcohol and death, I think either cirrhosis or accidents due to impairment. But I hadn't thought of death from alcohol poisoning. And so, I contemplated and looked at my worse binge to date and realized that I drank so much that my nervous system was malfunctioning. Which is hard to stomach a bit. I kept on denying for so long that it wasn't that bad. I mean, sure I would regret the blackout and the hangover, but I never considered really how bad I was hurting my body.

The annoying part is, I remember the binge. On the third cup I blacked out. And the next thing I remember is waking up in my own urine. I can't remember the hangover, but keenly remember wanting more and more alcohol. And even now a part of me thinks I still want it. That's the cunning brain of an alcoholic talking.

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